Science has provided ample evidence that a healthy love relationship is the cornerstone to optimal health, longevity, happiness, and success.
The findings of different bodies of research are well-aligned in highlighting the power love has in impacting how well we will do in life and on our ability to reach our full potential and become the best versions of ourselves.
However, despite the amazing breakthroughs in understanding the science of human connection, love relationships still have an extremely high failure rate.
More than half of marriages fail! And that statistic does not account for the couples who stay together despite being distressed because of either real or perceived lack of choice.
We have never had as much knowledge, as many medical breakthroughs, or as much access to information as we do today. In fact, we have made such astonishing medical advances that we can cure diseases that not that long ago were fatal. Yet, half of us continue to experience the pain and suffering of a broken heart.
Why do so many relationships fail?
Researchers have tried to answer that question for several decades.
They have done so by studying the physiology and neurobiology of couple’s interactions, putting them through FMRI machines, and monitoring their every movement as they grapple with the day-to-day difficulties that all couples face.
And has science found an answer to the question of why relationships fail?
We tend to defend our relationship failure or our single status by saying it is because we have not yet “met the one,” or even worse, because our ex was a real “piece of work.”
Science, however, has illuminated the truth about what the biggest culprit to success in love is: Fear!
None of us want to admit that fear runs our life to the degree that it does. However, the sooner we face the deep, hidden fears that fuel any and all deadly behavioral patterns that are killing our love, the quicker we can regain control and change the trajectory of our most important relationships for the better.
How do we know that fear is the real criminal? Well, it’s clear by the behavioral patterns that accompany the day-to-day shenanigans of the relationships that unfortunately fail. Dr. John Gottman, recognized as one of the ten most influential therapists of the past quarter century, has completed seven studies that can predict divorce with 93.6% accuracy. The studies link four specific behaviors to relationship failure: stone-walling, contempt, criticism, and defensiveness. All of those behaviors are aligned with the bodily responses that result from our fear alarm going off in our brain.
Here are the top reasons why we are such scaredy-cats:
- Our brain’s negative bias
Our brain has evolved with the propensity to assume the worst because, frankly, that is how we have managed to stay alive throughout the history of our species. Underestimating threats can be deadly, so our brain would rather just assume the worst most of the time. Considering that our need to love and belong is as vital as oxygen and water, the thought of losing the vital force of love is very potent in activating our negative bias. We have to slowly, but surely, train our brain much like a puppy to “come, sit, and stay” with this present moment and not go off fighting non-existent dragons. Luckily, our brain can continuously get reshaped based on where we place the attention of our mental activity. Love can become our new default position if only we remain open to it!
- Our past hurts that we still need to heal
We behave the way we do in order to meet our needs. Safety, survival, and security are our fundamental needs. When we have a history of getting hurt in a relationship where we depended on another, /data has been stored in the intricate connections inside our 100 billion nerve cells, which will ring an alarm bell when we find ourselves in a position to depend on another again. Thus, when we fall in love, all the alarms will go off—until and unless we make sense of our past hurts in a way that allows us to stop carrying them along with us.
- Our injured self-worth
The question, “Am I good enough?” is a universal barrier to our happiness and is also part of our human experience. Issues with self-worth need quite a bit of self-compassion, because they originate in events we had no control over. Additionally, depending upon how responsive or not the external world has been to our needs, we will sculpt our sense of internal value on models of the world. So, whether the environment did not reflect us because we grew up in a dysfunctional family, or because we grew up as an immigrant in a non-ethnically diverse neighborhood, our self-worth can suffer because of the way our experiences have established whether the world is a safe place for us or not.
Love has divine power in pointing us to the path of increasing our self-love and self-worth, as it is now clear and supported by the systematic generation of theory from research: We cannot love anyone any more than we love ourselves!
Life is such a magical journey and such an amazing experience with a never-ending supply of ups and downs.
There is an undeniable part of life that involves a significant amount of suffering.
It is in those times of suffering when we can feel the most what science is now teaching us about love—that nothing is as comforting to our soul as the tenderness and power of human connection. Nothing other than love can help us heal as fast from adversity and pain and maintain our nervous system in perfect balance in the face of any threat.
It is, perhaps, why when we are in secure, functioning relationships, we are not preoccupied with things that could go wrong, and we soar in all of our personal and professional aspirations.
As much as we resist the thought of falling in love again after one more failed relationship, our embodied intelligence takes over inviting us instead to rise to love.
Because, after all, the only thing that stands in the way of you and the love of your life, is you.