My Burnout Induced Hiatus – How to Prevent This from Happening in Your Life!

#BURNNOUT

Hiatus is defined in the dictionary, as a temporary gap, pause, break, or absence — not forever, just for a little while. 

Sometimes a hiatus is inevitable, even if the activity it suspends involves what one lives for!

I live for translating science and my lessons from burnout into practical guideposts to help others prevent and heal from burnout.

However, my friends, at this juncture in my life’s journey, I have to take a hiatus from my passion to have spinal surgery, which is what I define as a “Burnout induced hiatus!”

If you have followed my articles over the last year or so, you are probably aware that I had to pay a lofty price for success. I failed to respond to my body’s notifications that I had exceeded my capacity to meet life’s demands without harming my well-being. This led to significant consequences to my physical health, including damage to my spine.

Living with a spinal condition at a young age has not been easy. 

But this injury has also been my greatest teacher and one of the most transformative experiences of my lifetime. It is because of it that I have chosen to dedicate the rest of my life helping others overcome and avoid the negative consequences of chronic stress and burnout, and shield themselves from what I have experienced.

Myndzen was my response to the insidious impact of stress on our health and happiness.

Through Myndzen, I systematically organize the great body of knowledge in the science of stress into practical strategies we can all incorporate in our lives to safeguard our wellbeing and be healthier, happier, and more productive. 

I feel a great sense of joy and pride witnessing the efficacy of my burnout and compassion fatigue “treatment plan” every day. As a certified integrative wellness practitioner, there is nothing more rewarding than to watch my clients overcome burnout and return to optimal health in a matter of months. I am grateful to my burnout adventure for all it has taught me.

 But as a human being, my biggest goal is to ensure that my fellow human beings avoid experiencing what I did!

So on the eve of an intimidating surgery to reverse the negative impact of stress on my body, I wanted to leave you with my favorite stress resilience tips. These tips come right from my heart, not as a stress resilience speaker and coach, but as a fellow human being who suffered the ultimate negative consequence of stress. You could say these are the biggest lessons I learned from the latest research in neuroscience, integrative medicine and my own healing journey towards sustainable stress resilience and optimal health.

May they give you comfort and love and inspire you to take good care of you, today and always.

1. I wish you more self-compassion and less self-criticism. 

Contrary to our conditioned way of thinking, your approval is the only approval you needStrive for excellence, but avoid perfectionismBe kind to yourself, and practice self-compassion toward any negative traits, limiting beliefs, and automatic responses you have inherited. But be accountable in embracing your power to change what does not serve you.    

You are built for greatness and you are amazing just the way you are. 

You are enough.

You already possess all the inner resources you need to succeed in every aspect of your life. Challenge yourself with acts of love and kindness toward yourself every day. Master the art of saying no and resist antiquated notions that self-care is selfish. 

After all, you cannot love anyone or anything truly until you love yourself.

2. I wish you the kind of happiness that can only be found in the present moment.

Happiness can only be found in the present moment.

Research shows that 47% of the time we are thinking something other than what we are doing in the present moment.

Learn from the past and cultivate the traits that have the power to help you design the future that is aligned with your values.

A simple mindfulness practice is enough to become the master and not the slave of your thoughts, so that you maintain optimal balance in your body systems and the major areas of your life. Here is one that I created especially for you: https://youtu.be/zAavQ4aSzko

The most critical element to true happiness is mastering the practice of directing our attention to elements of life that help us work with and not against the incredible power of our neurobiology. 

3.  I wish you energy efficiency.

We are energetic beings and we only have so much energy per day. Just like balancing your bank account with more deposits than withdrawals, prudence is required to expend our energy on people, things, and activities that give you a high return on your energy investment. Life is too short to spend with people who are not here for us, managers who treat us like disposable napkins, and activities that do not nurture our spirit. Spending time with negative people and activities creates an energy deficit, which ends up costing us imbalances in either the physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual aspects of ourselves.

Be prudent in how and where you invest your energy.


4. I wish you emotional acceptance and resilience. 

All emotions are valuable, as long as we make intelligent use of our emotions. 

Beware of not letting fear drive your actions.

Rejection, adversity, loss, and failure are all part of life. We all suffer, we all fail, we all make mistakes, but we can choose our response to all of those emotions and events.

Accepting them without exaggerating them or catastrophizing them will build our tolerance for gleaning important lessons from them and using them as stepping stones to get closer to our higher self. We need simply to seek a shift in focus. For example, when you fail, don’t focus on all the things you lost. Focus on all the things you learned. After all, failure and its accompanying negative emotions are simply invaluable feedback on the path to success.

Learning to work with all of your emotions, both positive and negative, can have a significant impact on your sense of happiness and well-being.

5. I wish you the incredible contentment that can be found by focusing on what you can control.

No matter how many external elements we may attribute our current quality of life to, ultimately, you and I my friends, are the creators of our reality. 

Granted, not all of us were raised with a silver spoon in our mouths. Yet regardless of where and how we were raised or what tools we were handed or not, every moment of every day we have the opportunity to re-write our story to be a story that is meaningful to us and is aligned with our values.

We cannot control the economy, our manager’s leadership skills, or how others may choose to relate to us or not relate to us. But we can absolutely control how we respond to life situations so that we maintain our balance, our access to our valuable thinking brain, and our well-being. Cultivating self-compassion, self-awareness, and self-accountability are incredible gateways to optimal health and happiness and are 100% within our control.

 With that my friends, I will leave you for now and go on a little burnout induced hiatus to have spinal surgery.

I will be staying in touch with my community members during my recovery, so please feel free to join my community to receive updates. http://bit.ly/JoinMyndZen

Keep me in your thoughts and send me positive energy for a speedy recovery.

 Much love,

❤️

Tzeli

3 Mistakes to Avoid if You Want to Beat Burnout.

The prevalence of burnout has reached alarming levels today.

This is true for all of us, but even more so for our fellow human beings who dedicate their lives to caring for others.

Therapists, addiction professionals, doctors, nurses, social workers, and first responders appear to be paying a high cost for their commitment to helping others in their healing journeys.

We are all aware of the problem. The lifetime occurrence of compassion fatigue and burnout reaches a staggering 85% in helping professionals, creating a workforce crisis, but also impacting their well-being and the health outcomes for those whom they care for.

My examination of my personal experience of burnout and the long journey of recovery has revealed some mistakes I made, which contributed to my burnout.

I am hoping to inspire you to assess your current situation and be more proactive in safeguarding your well-being and happiness, as well as your job performance and satisfaction, from compassion fatigue and burnout.

My burnout mistakes

1. I perceived the symptoms of burnout as weakness so I decided to “fix the problem” by keeping quiet about it and working harder. 

If you are a driven person with high expectations of self, maybe you too perceive exhaustion, stress, irritability, or even anxiety, as simply the price one has to pay to be successful.

Perhaps you even view these cumbersome symptoms as signs of weakness, so you attempt to hide them under the rug and work harder to make them go away.

You work late, give up time with your loved ones, skip a meal, or sacrifice your gym ritual in order to “fix the problem.”

I urge you to rethink this approach!

Do you recognize any of the symptoms below in yourself?

Burnout Signs & Symptoms—Gradual onset and slower recovery.

  •   Physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion. (Signs: forgetfulness, insomnia, frequent illness, irritability & anger, anxiety & depression).
  • Cynicism and detachment. (Signs: Negative outlook, isolation, disengagement, loss of employment).
  • Feelings of ineffectiveness and lack of accomplishment. (Signs: Hopelessness, increased irritability, diminished productivity, and poor work performance).

Compassion Fatigue Signs & Symptoms—Rapid onset but faster recovery

All of the burnout symptoms above, as well as the following:

  • Nervous system arousal resulting in anxiety, sleep disturbances, and heightened sense of fear.
  • Overall increased emotional intensity.
  • Decreased cognitive ability and impaired judgment.
  • Loss of hope, meaning, and sense of self-worth.
  • Isolation, depression, PTSD.
  • Depersonalization (The feeling that you are observing yourself from outside your body, or you have the sense that things around you are not real, or both).

These signs and symptoms are the ultimate notification that you have exceeded your capacity to meet the demands of life without harming yourself, which is what burnout is.

Compassion fatigue is a type of burnout, which has a more rapid onset of action, characterized by secondary traumatic stress when caring for individuals in distress. (Charles Figley, 1992).

Although it is normal to sometimes feel out of sorts—especially after giving your all to a big project—no title, salary, or career advancement is worth jeopardizing the well-being of your body, mind, and spirit.

The good news is that we can prevent and overcome burnout and compassion fatigue as long as we recognize them promptly and do something about it.

I know that I did not recognize these symptoms for what they were until I was forced to as a result of a major health crisis.

If you are concerned about your level of burnout or compassion fatigue, you can assess where you are by using Dr. Beth Hudnall Stamm’s Professional Quality of Life Screening Tool, which you can access here: www.proqol.org.

Here are some simple things you can consider doing today if you identify with any of the signs and symptoms of burnout.

Recognize that these symptoms are not normal and speak up about them. Early recognition and seeking help are the first and most critical steps in preventing the development of burnout.

Take a purposeful break. Getting off the hamster wheel for a moment and doing something that helps you relax will give you the opportunity to reset and get back to a balanced state from which you can make wise decisions.

Resist the urge to isolate and work harder. As much as we may perceive exhaustion as a sign of weakness, the high prevalence of burnout in our world clearly indicates that you are not alone.

After you re-charge your batteries, re-prioritize your life to provide opportunity for ample self-care in between sprints of intense work. Uncover and challenge any unconscious, limiting beliefs that place a negative connotation on self-care, like believing self-care is self-indulgent. Let the robust research remind you that the most critical predictor of your clients’ outcomes hinges on how well you can care for yourself first.

Create an ongoing inventory of all the activities that help you relax and make sure you dedicate time to do some of them every day. As much as you think working late will help you catch up, a thirty-minute walk in nature will boost your productivity and enhance your mental clarity a lot more than working late.

2. I relied on organizational change for relief of my symptoms, overlooking my personal power to prevent burnout. 

The American Institute of Stress reports that job pressure is the #1 cause of stress in the United States. 

Without a doubt, there are many steps organizations can take to protect their employees from burnout. Decreasing work load, increasing support, cultivating a positive culture where employees feel valued and cared for, and increasing environmental wellness are all great initiatives. 

However, nobody but ourselves can safeguard and maintain the necessary state of balance we need to function properly.

In fact, one of the most effective recovery programs for compassion fatigue substantiates the critical importance of self-directed interventions toward rebuilding professional and personal well-being. (Accelerated Recovery Program for Compassion Fatigue.Gentry, Baranowsky, and Dunning, 1997).

From the standpoint of neurobiology, the stress-related negative effects we experience are a result of our perception of our workplace circumstances as threats.

This does not negate the impact of unreasonable workloads or poor leadership skills that use harsh criticism or motivating by fear as a way to improve work performance.

However, only we can control how we respond to stressors. By associating work demands to perceived negative outcomes and seeing them as threats, our nervous system shifts to the “fight or flight” stress response. When we are in that state, we lose access to our optimal functioning, such as reasoning, decision-making, wisdom, judgment, self-control, and so forth.

How do we re-gain access to that optimal functioning? We can become scientists in our own lives by training our minds to shift our perspective and stop viewing work and life situations as threats. This action can intercept the unnecessary activation of our stress response. Instead we can access the part of our nervous system where we grow, repair, restore, and access invaluable higher-functioning skills and strengths. (Parasympathetic branch, known as our relaxation response.)

Our mind is an effective portal to regulate the energy and information flow that will determine which part of our nervous system we are tackling life from. (Dan Siegel, Mindsight, 2010). 

Here are some practical ways we can cultivate our ability to quiet the over-activation of our stress response and mitigate the development of burnout.

  • Practice mindfulness. Increasing our ability to direct the focus of our attention from imaginary threats to the reality of the present moment has shown incredible benefits in reduction of emotional exhaustion and depersonalization in as little as six weeks. If you are not sure how to begin a mindfulness practice, you can read my last article by clicking on this link: https://myndzen.com/the-solution/the-positive-perspective/the-magic-of-mindfulness/ and even try out a guided practice I recorded by clicking on this link: https://youtu.be/zAavQ4aSzko
  • Cultivate your emotional intelligence (EQ) by working with difficult emotions. EQ has been researched extensively and has been correlated with robust, positive outcomes in all areas of life. Asking yourself powerful questions to assess the nature and validity of your emotions redirects your energy back to your thinking brain. For example, you can simply ask yourself, “What am I afraid will happen? What is the feedback my fear is trying to give me?”
  • Take back control. One of the predisposing factors of burnout is the perceived loss of control. When we depend on outside factors to become healthier and happier at work, we give away the control we have over the situation.

It is our responsibility to cultivate the skills we need to ensure our well-being, our performance, and the quality of life we all deserve. Not to mention that by taking ownership, we take back control of feeling more content and calm and no longer generate the negative symptoms of burnout.

3. I did not realize the long-term recovery time and consequences of burnout.

Once upon a time, I was considered a force to be reckoned with. For the majority of my life I was “untouchable.” I was an athlete with incredible physical strength. I had a sharp intellect that could solve any problem. And I was a ferocious leader and top performer with a proven track record of success. I could literally solve any problem and exceed every goal I set my mind to, even synthesizing cancer drugs that surpassed the efficacy of existing treatments at the time.

Burnout replaced all those traits with brain fog, memory loss, difficulty concentrating, panic attacks, fainting spells, self-doubt, and a painful spinal condition.

From my usual driven and high-achiever stance, I thought I could conquer burnout all on my own.

I did not realize the long-term consequences of operating at such high levels of stress or how long the journey of recovery from burnout is.

Research shows that chronic stress actually causes structural changes in our brain in non-favorable ways. Our invaluable pre-frontal cortex, which is involved in motivation, problem- solving, reasoning skills, and mediation of rewards shrinks significantly under prolonged exposure to chronic stress. The hippocampus, which is involved with memory and learning, has been shown to reduce in size as well. And our amygdala, the alarm that goes off in the presence of a threat, actually increasesin size, which then makes us more susceptible to recognizing events as threatening.

Furthermore, the long-term effect of the over-exposure to neural, endocrine, and immune system stress mediators associated with our stress response can cause organ system damage leading to disease.

For example, when facing a threat, our blood pressure and heart rate rise and insulin and blood sugar increase in our blood stream in order to provide us with the necessary energy to address the threat. In the case of acute stress, these changes are short-term, adaptive actions that are protective. (McEwen & Wingfield, 2003).

However, chronic stress can result in our body having to make too many changes to be able to return to normal levels so that abnormal levels of blood glucose and blood pressure continue. The amount of this effort to return to normal levels is referred to as allostatic load and this effort can lead to disease. (Allostatic load, McEwen 1993).

For example, when the allostatic load becomes too high and our body is unable to shut off the increased blood glucose level this can lead to the development of Type 2 diabetes.

High allostatic load has also been linked to cognitive, skeletal, endocrine, immune, and cardiovascular disease.

I am the poster child of the long-term organ damage that can occur as a result of the great amount of work my body had to perform to reinstate the equilibrium of high functioning. There are several studies exploring the mechanisms of how stress may affect the physiological processes involved in musculoskeletal disorders, such as the one I was diagnosed with.

But as I continue my work to reinstate not only my physical health, but also my self-concept, I came across a profound epiphany.

The debilitating effects of burnout in my life became an incredible catalyst to restructuring my self-concept and identifying and cultivating undiscovered resources, skills, and meaning that have the potential to result in unfathomable growth, transformation, and improvement of the quality of my life.

Dr. Joyce Mikal-Flynn’s trauma research underscored concepts of stress-resilience and post-traumatic growth, resulting in a revolutionary framework to guide one in recovery from traumas, challenges and personal life crises.

Her extensive research, led to the development of Metahabilitation, a new structure and clinical pathway of rehabilitation that supports and guides survivors to move beyond a simple restorative state to a heightened existence, not despite our crisis but as a direct result of our crisis (Mikal-Flynn, 2012).

You can learn more about metahabilitation and the research of Dr. Mikal-Flynn by visiting www.metahab.com

My personal review of Dr. Mikal Flynn’s work and research helped me choose a different way of dealing with my crisis based on the characteristics of metahabilitated survivors.

  • I embrace personal control – cultivating self-compassion and refusing to see myself as a victim of my circumstances. Instead I choose to practice self-compassion daily, extending kindness to myself as I would to my best friend.
  • I continually practice and work toward cultivating and maintaining an optimistic outlook, refusing to live in anger and despair, instead focus on creating a new life plan armed with the insights I have uncovered about myself.
  • I practice gratitude daily, including the recognition of my burnout adventure as a catalyst for positive growth.
  • I have chosen to live my life driven by a new mission: Serving others and giving back by transforming my experience and science into guideposts for positive growth.
  • Burnout can wreak havoc in our lives, the way we view the world and how our life unfolds from it. However, it can also be an incredible opportunity for transformation, growth and unimaginable meaning and quality of life. If only we see it that way!

Final thoughts

Burnout and Compassion Fatigue are significant problems, affecting up to 85% of care-giving professionals.

Central to this problem is the propensity to suffer silently, hoping external circumstances will change to relieve the cumbersome symptoms of compassion fatigue and burnout.

No matter how great your workplace is, chances are it will demand more and more of you the more you give.

However, by recognizing the signs and symptoms early and taking an active stance against the inevitable health consequences of burnout, we can prevent and overcome these devastating coping mechanisms.

There are several practical ways we can conquer the insidious impact of burnout in our lives.

If you want to learn more skills that can help you build resilience and become burnout resistant, I am here for you.

You can book a free 15-minute consultation, by emailing me at tzeli@myndzen.com, or calling me at 916-212-3042. You can also join the Myndzen community by clicking on this link http://bit.ly/JoinMyndZen to be notified of new resources and courses that will help you take your power back from burnout.

However you choose to proceed, never forget this one truth: There is only one you in this universe. Don’t let burnout and compassion fatigue overshadow your true potential!

The Truth About Love and Heartache.

Love is a powerful shield against the inevitable bumps in the road of your life’s journey.

We all know the warm and fuzzy feeling we experience when we are in love.

But beyond that, research from various scientific fields has linked love to tremendous benefits in our emotional, mental, and physical health, our happiness and even our career and financial success.

Healthy lovers help each other recover faster from illness, reduce stress, depression and anxiety and grow brain regions involved with creativity, emotional intelligence and resilience. No wonder most of the movies we watch, songs we listen to, and commercials we see are all stories of love. 

But why do so many of these stories talk about heartache?

For decades, researchers from all across the world have tried to answer that question. 

The problem is, when our love life suffers, we lose our parachute that keeps us safe during the falls of life. Relationship distress leads to responses to threatening and stressful events that make things worse, reduces our immune function, and leads to depression.  And it leads to us being too jaded to invest in love again.

The good news is that research has also opened the door to recognizing barriers to a healthy relationship and effective strategies we can employ to overcome them and harness the power of love. 

In light of the highly-commercialized Valentine’s Day, which at least places love in the forefront of our mind where it should be, I wanted to share a handful of myths about love that we need to be mindful of in our quest to make love a positive aspect of our life. 

I am hoping my insights will inspire you to assess your current perceptions and perhaps consider experimenting with these principles to enhance your own experience of love. 

“Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.” 

― Erich Fromm

Myths about love

1.    We think Love is something we “fall into.” 

We are constantly bombarded with an idealized version of what love is all about. According to movies, commercials, and songs, when we meet “the one” we will know it, bring out the best in one another, and walk into the sunset in eternal bliss.

This notion is flawed, as it sets us up for failure. 

In reality, we cultivate love through committed actions and hard work to rise up to a disciplined way we choose to interact with another, so that together we can build a safe haven that makes us stronger in dealing beautifully with the ups and downs of life. 

No matter how good our love relationship is, it is always a work-in-progress. 

The work involves choosing to do all the little things daily that keep us attuned to our partner, reflect that we are there for them, and show that we will emotionally respond to them in good times and, especially, in bad. 

Here are some tips from the experts to incorporate in your labor of love:

  • It is the small things you do daily that allow you to strengthen your bond and build trust. Answering the question:“What does our relationship need from me?” is a great way to uncover what these daily small things your relationship needs to flourish.
  • Increasing your tolerance for differences, and gentleness in how you approach your different points of view, allows you to feel more connected.
  • Conflict is not the real problem as long as you are mindful of keeping the positive to negative interactions in a five to one ratio.

Once the foundation is set and we have done the hard work of planting our garden with all the right fruits and vegetables that we need, we then don’t have to work as hard anymore.

We can enjoy feeling more assured, assertive, and confident and view life in a more adventurous and expansive way.

“If you have a responsive love partner, you have a secure base in the chaos. If you are emotionally alone, you are in free fall.” 

—Dr. Sue Johnson

 

2.    We don’t give love the respect and priority it deerves.

We all want to be happy in love, but sometimes it seems that we don’t realize how sacred and powerful love is.

As a consequence, we often sacrifice love in the name of other important elements of our life, such as our career or our finances. Interestingly, the Grant study, Harvards longest study in human development researching the factors that contribute to life fulfillment, reveled that secure relationships were by far the biggest contributing factor to career and financial success! 

What we don’t realize is that the bond we share with our primary mate, when nurtured adequately, gives us access to superpowers!

Research shows that healthy, attuned lovers are able to reduce each other’s stress response, heart rate, and trigger the release of a potent hormone called oxytocin, which actually turns off fear.

Fear prevents us from expressing our full potential in all areas of our life.

If we tend to play small in life, chances are, our primary attachment bonds in childhood did not arm us with the confidence to expect positive outcomes, so we are more fearful. Negative models from past experience create unconscious limiting beliefs and anticipatory responses that prevent us from being bold in life.

Love can actually reshape our brain and replace old wounds and limiting beliefs with confidence, courage, and grit.

And the well-documented way our brain activates to diminish threats that is associated with a secure attachment, leads to incredible physiological and psychological benefits. 

So how do we harness the power of love in a more practical sense?

The next time you experience internal discomfort, remember that your partner is the solution and not the enemy. Instead of shutting down or turning away from him/her, reach out to them instead. Identifying our emotional needs and sharing them with our love allows them to respond to us and offer us the comfort and support we need.

“The power of love can help to free us from the trappings of past experiences and to live in the true sense of joyful wholeness.” 

—James Van Praagh

3.    We perceive depending on others as weakness.

We are hardwired in our core to meet our powerful need for intimacy. Yet, we experience great discord in life because we define dependence as a weakness. 

Central to this issue is our fear of vulnerability and our confusion between healthy interdependence and co-dependency. 

The critical difference of interdependence from unhealthy forms of dependence is how we show up in the relationship. When we have a solid sense of self and self-worthiness, we don’t engage in maladaptive behaviors, such as people pleasing, manipulating, or blaming. We instead balance our own needs with the needs of the relationship and work toward the beautiful balance of giving and receiving without fears of being abandoned or losing our identity.   

We then feel free to be vulnerable and create true intimacy.

As we have learned from world renowned vulnerability expert, Dr. Brene Brown, there is immense power in creating wholehearted connections where we allow ourselves to be fully seen. This includes the courage to go out on an emotional limb to ask for help when we need it.   

Far from the conventional view of this as weakness, being able to reach for our loved ones as a resource to calm and comfort us is a strength.

“It seems to me that if we, as a species, are to survive at all on this fragile blue and green planet, we have to learn to step past the illusion of separateness and grasp that we truly are mutually dependent. We learn this in our most intimate relationships.” 

—Dr. Sue Johnson

4.    We blame love—and our lover—for our suffering.

Every love affair begins with an incredible cloud nine, fairy tale sort of feeling. But sooner or later, pain shows up, right when the initial honeymoon phase ends. It is at that point that we tend to blame the relationship and the object of our affection for our suffering. 

What is actually happening below the realm of our conscious awareness is that once we have allowed ourselves to get swept in by the strong force of love, our nervous system regurgitates our historical sensations of what happened in the past when we depended on another.

If our past did not leave a positive imprint on our neurobiology, our automatic response is to become fearful. We may be afraid of being rejected, losing our self, losing our independence, being abandoned, and the list goes on.

And then what happens is all the things we are afraid of saturate our body and our mind and in the process of fighting these old memories, we project them onto our love!

John Gottman’s 40-year research, which predicts divorce with 90% accuracy, has identified four hallmark behaviors that will absolutely drown even the best relationships. These are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stone-walling. 

Here are some questions you can ask yourself any time you feel you are beginning to go down one of these poisonous reflex responses. (You can also receive a cheat sheet of these questions along with a feelings inventory in your inbox when you join the Myndzen community by clicking on this link: http://bit.ly/JoinMyndZen)

—What am I feeling right now?

—What about this makes me feel this way?

—How much of it is true and how much of it is a story based on the past?

—What can I do differently that is within my control?

 Reaching out to our love for comfort instead of blaming them for our suffering will not only help us reduce our internal negative arousal in the moment, but it will also strengthen our bond. They can then become a resource as we grow toward emotional intelligence.

“We are born in relationship, we are wounded in relationship, and we can be healed in relationship .”

— Harville Hendrix

5.    We expect love to complete us. 

There is no bigger disappointment than the rude awakening of our beloved asking us to make a change in ourselves right after we believed this was the person for whom we could do no wrong. After all, this one was supposed to be “the one” who would bring out the best in us, right?

Not exactly.

The relationship which protects us from all dangers and threats in life, which gives us the freedom to be ourselves, and supports our growth and our dreams does not work like that.

Rather, it requires two complete, whole individuals who are each committed to personal evolution.

That does not mean that the ones of us who experienced adversity in childhood, wounds, or traumas are destined to miss out.

We all have issues, some of us more and greater than others. However, the difference for our personal evolution is how we handle those issues and what we are committed to do toward our own individuation and self-actualization.

The path to our own healing may seem daunting and we may avoid it by simply changing partners in hopes that our issues will disappear by magic.

But the truth is, until we love ourselves wholeheartedly and commit to our own healing and growth, we will not be able to see the love of a partner and feel safe. This is true even if the archetype of our ideal partner falls in love with us.

After all, the greatest truth about love and heartache, is that until we find harmony within, we cannot create it with another.

 Final thoughts

Love is a powerful shield and a disciplined way we commit to interact with another to powerfully address the ups and downs of life and reach our full potential.

A healthy love relationship has a positive effect on our well-being, our happiness, and our life expectancy. 

To be happy in love, we may want to revisit some current perspectives and default responses that are myths, and not true.

We can recognize and commit to the hard work that is required to rise to love.

We can embrace the power of love and actively engage in doing the “small things often” that will resist the conditioned ways of expressing our pain.

We can learn to speak a new language—the language of emotions—and strengthen our bond through exposing our vulnerabilities.

We can let love be the mirror of our soul and our guide down the path of our own personal development and healing.

Because the truth is, only when we heal ourselves, can we be happy in love. 

Notes: The information in this article was informed by my personal review of studies, my participation in Drs. John and Julie Gottman’s “Art and Science of Love Workshop,” Dr. Sue Johnson’s Emotional-Focused Therapy, and the application of this research in my own life.  If you enjoyed this article, you might want to review an earlier article I wrote listing some of the most significant benefits of love. You can find it by clicking here.