Why your brain is a Pessimist

Negative Bias

brainDo you sometimes wonder why out of all the things that happen on any given day we tend to fixate on the negative ones, like a negative remark from our boss? If you get frustrated by your negative tendencies and are secretly jealous of the positive people in the world who seem to always be able to make lemonade out of lemons, do not despair. For our survival, our brain has indeed evolved with a negative default position, called the “Negative Bias.” However, once we understand the inner workings and reasons for our brain’s negative bias, we can work with our brain and harness its power to intercept the unnecessary fear, worry, and anxiety that the negative bias causes and improve our personal and professional life experiences.

What is Negative Bias?

Negative bias is simply a term describing our brain’s tendency to over-estimate threats and under-estimate rewards as a byproduct of our nervous system’s evolution to aid our survival. Our brain’s primary job is to scan the environment for threats and orchestrate our body’s response to do what it has to do to keep us alive. If you can, imagine taking a walk on a nature trail and hearing a rattling sound along your path. Within milliseconds your brain will get notified through your sense of hearing, and immediately check in for any past associations of that sound with a threat. If it finds one, it will then trigger your amygdala (your brain’s fear circuitry), which will in term elicit your stress response to re-direct your energy from essential functions to your large muscle groups so that you can flee from the “imminent threat” ahead. The end result is that your brain’s inner workings will make you run away from where you heard the rattling sound. If our brains were not so effective in responding to signals picked up from the environment, you and I would just keep walking toward the direction of the rattling sound and probably get bitten by a rattlesnake.

Now multiply this experience by 600 million years, during times in the history of our species when the conditions were harsh, and perhaps you can appreciate why our brain is such a pessimist. We did not inherit the genes of ancestors who were enjoying a moment to smell the flowers: Those ancestors got devoured by predators!

The problem with our brain’s negative bias

Once upon a time, our environment presented many threats to our survival. However, that is not the case today. The trouble with our brain’s “stone age” evolutionary propensity to tilt to the negative way of looking at things, inadvertently leads to an activation of our fight or flight response more times than what we are physiologically designed to handle. In fact, we know that when we operate under our stress-response-activation, essential functions, like our immune function, malfunction. We become temporarily compromised—physically, emotionally, perceptually, and cognitively.

We definitely need our brain to continue to assume the worst when we hear suspicious sounds while hiking in Yosemite National Forest. On the other hand, there are things we can incorporate into our day-to-day life to train our brain to become better at focusing on positive experiences to correct for the perceived threat false alarms.

The key to building a happier brain, and thus a happier life, is to give our brain experiences that will help it bounce back from an alarmed state to a calm state, where we regain access to the optimal functioning of our body systems and the executive functioning part of our brain. This executive part of our brain is involved with memory, learning, mediation of rewards, motivation, problem-solving and many more fabulous jobs.

We can build resilience and intercept unnecessary anger, worry, fear, and anxiety so we can return to the optimal state of calmness, joy, and peak performance.

Here are some simple things you can start doing every day to cultivate and grow your brain’s ability to collaborate with you to create the life experience you want.

1. Practice mindfulness meditation.

Far from a mystical practice, all that is required to reap the benefits of one of the best antidotes to negativity is to observe your thoughts and simply recognize worries, anxieties, and fears that are not happening right now and return to your breath.

2. Spend more time with people who nourish and support you and less time with people who are indifferent or negative towards you.

Although indifferent and negative people have their role to play in our lives too, don’t forget the power a parachute gives us when jumping off a plane. We need people who support our cause to weather the storms of life.

 3. When things get tough, return your attention to your Breath.

Remember that your breath is the only bodily function that involves both involuntary and voluntary muscles and nerves. By paying attention to your breath and minding its depth and regularity, you can impact your heart rate and calm yourself down.

 4. Instead of waiting, proactively ask for feedback.

Why wait for someone to express what we could have done better? Why not ask what it is that we should start, stop, or continue doing today?

 5. Be kind to others.

Love and kindness spread in ripples and they have superpowers in diminishing threat-related responses of our evolved nervous system. Being love is the best way to experience love.

 6. Be kind to yourself.

Not just in words, but in actions, forgive yourself for past mistakes, eliminate negative self-talk, and stand up for yourself when anyone treats you in an unkind way.

7. Make time to do things that nourish your spirit and make you come alive.

Walk in nature, paint, sing, dance, make love, take a break, plant an herb garden, volunteer, or do whatever makes you smile. I know time is a limited commodity. But our actions in every minute of every day are what birth our reality, our work, and our relationships.

Final thoughts

Throughout our life’s journey, we are guaranteed to face a mix of situations, some of which will be positive and some of which will be negative. Although we have adopted this notion that someday “everything in our life will fall into place” and we will then be able to finally enjoy the moment, we all need to remember: that moment is here now.

By deepening our awareness of our incredible brain’s inner workings and its built-in negativity bias, we can enhance our capacity to deal better with life’s challenges. Since we cannot prevent things from going wrong, what we can do instead is to put systems in place and incorporate tools, resources, and practices to control how adverse events impact us. Understanding the basis and the reasons behind our negative bias gives us the opportunity to use everyday experiences as a catalyst to retrain our brain to collaborate with us to change our life for the better. By purposefully incorporating practices that allow our nervous system to quickly return to baseline no matter what happens on the outside that causes it to get hi-jacked through our brain’s tendency to assume the worst, we are actually retraining our brain to be happier.

Because after all, how we handle negative situations whether they are perceived or real threats is one of our most profound opportunities to not just learn who we truly are at our core, but also who we can potentially be.

For regular inspiration, awareness, and practices that can teach you how to stay calm and balanced for the greatest health, happiness, and effectiveness regardless of your life situations, I invite you to join my community. http://bit.ly/JoinMyndZen. I would be honored to be your guide in re-acquainting you with your best self and helping you go from where you are to where you want to be.

Why Love Relationships Fail

Science has provided ample evidence that a healthy love relationship is the cornerstone to optimal health, longevity, happiness, and success.

The findings of different bodies of research are well-aligned in highlighting the power love has in impacting how well we will do in life and on our ability to reach our full potential and become the best versions of ourselves.

However, despite the amazing breakthroughs in understanding the science of human connection, love relationships still have an extremely high failure rate.

More than half of marriages fail! And that statistic does not account for the couples who stay together despite being distressed because of either real or perceived lack of choice.

We have never had as much knowledge, as many medical breakthroughs, or as much access to information as we do today. In fact, we have made such astonishing medical advances that we can cure diseases that not that long ago were fatal. Yet, half of us continue to experience the pain and suffering of a broken heart.

Why do so many relationships fail?

Researchers have tried to answer that question for several decades.

They have done so by studying the physiology and neurobiology of couple’s interactions, putting them through FMRI machines, and monitoring their every movement as they grapple with the day-to-day difficulties that all couples face.

And has science found an answer to the question of why relationships fail?

We tend to defend our relationship failure or our single status by saying it is because we have not yet “met the one,” or even worse, because our ex was a real “piece of work.”

Science, however, has illuminated the truth about what the biggest culprit to success in love is: Fear!

None of us want to admit that fear runs our life to the degree that it does. However, the sooner we face the deep, hidden fears that fuel any and all deadly behavioral patterns that are killing our love, the quicker we can regain control and change the trajectory of our most important relationships for the better.

How do we know that fear is the real criminal? Well, it’s clear by the behavioral patterns that accompany the day-to-day shenanigans of the relationships that unfortunately fail. Dr. John Gottman, recognized as one of the ten most influential therapists of the past quarter century, has completed seven studies that can predict divorce with 93.6% accuracy. The studies link four specific behaviors to relationship failure: stone-walling, contempt, criticism, and defensiveness. All of those behaviors are aligned with the bodily responses that result from our fear alarm going off in our brain.

Here are the top reasons why we are such scaredy-cats:

  1. Our brain’s negative bias

Our brain has evolved with the propensity to assume the worst because, frankly, that is how we have managed to stay alive throughout the history of our species. Underestimating threats can be deadly, so our brain would rather just assume the worst most of the time. Considering that our need to love and belong is as vital as oxygen and water, the thought of losing the vital force of love is very potent in activating our negative bias. We have to slowly, but surely, train our brain much like a puppy to “come, sit, and stay” with this present moment and not go off fighting non-existent dragons. Luckily, our brain can continuously get reshaped based on where we place the attention of our mental activity. Love can become our new default position if only we remain open to it!

  1. Our past hurts that we still need to heal

We behave the way we do in order to meet our needs. Safety, survival, and security are our fundamental needs. When we have a history of getting hurt in a relationship where we depended on another, /data has been stored in the intricate connections inside our 100 billion nerve cells, which will ring an alarm bell when we find ourselves in a position to depend on another again. Thus, when we fall in love, all the alarms will go off—until and unless we make sense of our past hurts in a way that allows us to stop carrying them along with us.

  1. Our injured self-worth

The question, “Am I good enough?” is a universal barrier to our happiness and is also part of our human experience. Issues with self-worth need quite a bit of self-compassion, because they originate in events we had no control over. Additionally, depending upon how responsive or not the external world has been to our needs, we will sculpt our sense of internal value on models of the world. So, whether the environment did not reflect us because we grew up in a dysfunctional family, or because we grew up as an immigrant in a non-ethnically diverse neighborhood, our self-worth can suffer because of the way our experiences have established whether the world is a safe place for us or not.

Love has divine power in pointing us to the path of increasing our self-love and self-worth, as it is now clear and supported by the systematic generation of theory from research: We cannot love anyone any more than we love ourselves!

 Life is such a magical journey and such an amazing experience with a never-ending supply of ups and downs.

There is an undeniable part of life that involves a significant amount of suffering.

It is in those times of suffering when we can feel the most what science is now teaching us about love—that nothing is as comforting to our soul as the tenderness and power of human connection. Nothing other than love can help us heal as fast from adversity and pain and maintain our nervous system in perfect balance in the face of any threat.

It is, perhaps, why when we are in secure, functioning relationships, we are not preoccupied with things that could go wrong, and we soar in all of our personal and professional aspirations.

As much as we resist the thought of falling in love again after one more failed relationship, our embodied intelligence takes over inviting us instead to rise to love.

Because, after all, the only thing that stands in the way of you and the love of your life, is you.

Why We Should Let Love Rule

Do you know what the best predictor is of how long you will live, how well you will do in life, and how healthy you will be?

Are you ready? The best predictor for well-being is…drum roll…love!

After my marriage, which had lasted the majority of my adult life, failed, I vowed to never fall in love again. I announced to myself, to the world, and to all interested parties that I was not willing to fall for love ever again!

Until one day, when I least expected it, one of my best friends—who I adored—kissed me and decided to move the moon and the stars in order to change my mind and make me fall in love just one more time.

The all-encompassing love that followed had a profound impact on my life and awakened me to levels of consciousness and self-awareness that I never knew were possible.

If you, like me, have found yourself disappointed and disillusioned by love, let me give you ten good reasons to reconsider!

  1. Love—a fundamental need

After food and shelter, one of our most fundamental needs on this planet is to connect with others. The way we see and perceive things is shaped by our connections. Research clearly shows that nothing appears to give us a larger advantage in life than a healthy primary relationship.

  1. Love as a predictor of well-being

A happy love relationship is one of the strongest predictors of physical and emotional health. People in healthy relationships recover faster from illnesses, live longer, and are less prone to disease and ailments than their single counterparts.

  1. Love’s survival benefit

Having a secure attachment to a special one also appears to offer us a significant survival benefit through an apparent activation in our brain that diminishes threats in the face of situations that are perceived as stressful. At a time when stress is believed to be the epidemic of the century, love seems to be one of the most effective ways to neutralize its toxic effects from the inside out.

  1. Loves antidepressant and pain-relieving properties

Physical and emotional closeness is one of the most potent antidepressants and pain-killers. When we hold or touch the person we love, the hormone oxytocin is released into our blood stream. Oxytocin appears to have a significant impact on many central nervous system functions, including those modulating anxiety, depression, and pain perception. So, when you are stressed by your job, forget about Xanax. Make love instead!

  1. The power of love on your attachment style

If you happened to have been raised by parents who were not attuned to you, you probably developed an insecure attachment style. Although you had nothing to do with the creation of your insecure attachment style, it will determine the way you relate to others in intimate relationships. And trust me, I know from personal experience that we don’t relate in healthy ways when our attachment style is insecure. Research, however, shows us we can transform our insecure attachment style to a secure attachment style, which has the qualities of relationship harmony, bliss, and joy. But guess what? We can only accomplish that transition through the power of a healthy adult relationship. This is the most effective way to replace the relational pattern that was developed with our primary caregivers in childhood. (See Attachment Theory Review in the Science section, if you would like to learn more.)

  1. Love’s invaluable insight to self

A relationship with a significant other is the most profound mirror to our soul, which reflects not just our beauty, but also any wounds we carry that still need to be processed, healed, and released. If you pay close attention to your complaints about your partner and/or your relationship, you will get incredible insights about the raw spots in you that need your attention and healing. Don’t you think that instead of blaming and walking away from love when we experience past pain, we should actually be ever so grateful to love for illuminating the path to our complete freedom from pain?

  1. Love and self-mastery

Falling in love is an intense opportunity to practice mastery on so many fronts, because when it comes to love, the stakes are very high. For example, when our lover’s behavior is not what we would like it to be, it is the perfect opportunity to practice letting go of what we can’t control. Or, if we have been conditioned to be independent, and we are not comfortable asking for anything for ourselves, a primary relationship is the perfect space to practice how to state our needs in effective ways.

  1. Love’s impact on success

When we make an authentic connection to someone we can truly depend on, we can absolutely soar as an individual. Our confidence is at its highest, and we are more courageous in going after our dreams and aspirations. Studies reveal that people who are happily coupled have a significantly higher average income than their single counterparts. Paradoxically, it appears that this unique interdependence is a catalyst to our own self-love and independence.

  1. Love’s power to defeat fear

Love is the most potent antidote to fear. One of our biggest challenges in this information-overloaded era we are living in is that fear has become our BFF—our best friend forever. We see fear everywhere: in politics, news, displays of violence, school shootings, and terrorist attacks. Love and fear cannot coexist. Since feeling connected is a primary source of security in life, love is an incredible shield against fear.

  1. Love and happiness

Harvard University’s longest study of human development throughout history, which aimed to uncover the secrets to a fulfilling life, came to the following conclusion: “Happiness is love. Full stop.”

Knowing how many incredible gifts love brings to our lives, wouldn’t you agree that nurturing healthy love is one of our most important human projects?

However, statistics reveal that healthy love is challenged by high relationship failure rates. Join me next week for an empowering perspective on the reasons behind relationship failure. Learn how to open up avenues for solutions within your control, and give love another chance.