Category: Love

Love has remained a mystery throughout the history of humankind and is one of the most powerful reasons that keeps us up at night.

The latest neuroscience research confirms that we are hardwired for connection. A study by Harvard University that looked at what factors contribute to human happiness found that “Happiness is love.”

Yet, for the majority of us, cultivating loving, healthy relationships is still an outcome we have not been able to arrive at effectively.

What are the factors that contribute to our failure, and what can we do within our control to improve our relationships?

The Problem of Addiction and Recovery

We have eradicated many of what used to be fatal diseases and also increased our life expectancy to the highest it has ever been.  Yet, we are in the midst of a significant global health crisis, which does not align with our incredible medical advances.  

We all recognize heart disease as one of the major killers of our species. But do you know which disease wrecks more lives than heart disease and cancer combined? Addiction!

Perhaps you think that this problem does not impact you.  After all, you are neither a homeless, opioid addict nor a character in a Quentin Tarantino movie.

In this article, I invite you to reconsider.

Recovery from addiction is a daunting challenge for the individual, family, and for our society. But if we unmask the real problems of addiction, perhaps we can come up with more effective solutions for recovery. 

Although I am not an addiction professional, eliminating obstacles to recovery from addiction is a personal mission for me. This mission began when I was sixteen and lost a loved one to a drug overdose.

For the last thirty years, I have been a committed advocate of addiction recovery. I began this work in college when I volunteered at the “Council for drug problems”. And today, a big part of my work as a Integrative Wellness coach and speaker involves providing addiction professionals with effective tools against compassion fatigue and burnout.

The privilege of working with these incredible individuals has taught me much about what the real problem with addiction is. I have also learned what it means to rise like the phoenix from the ashes and begin a new life.

Addiction and recovery

See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil

This proverb of the three wise monkeys seems to encapsulate pretty well our problems with addiction. Our lack of moral responsibility and our choice to look the other way on this very solvable problem, may be the most lethal component of this issue.

  1. See No Evil: We don’t see addiction for what it really is

 

We often view addiction as a weakness, character flaw, or a punishable crime. However, addiction is a disease, which involves well-substantiated alterations of our brain’s structures and functions. Science informs us that the disease of addiction is a “brain disorder that is characterized by engagement in rewarding stimuli despite the adverse consequences.”

Regardless of our personal history, our common biology propels us to act in ways that get us closer to pleasure and away from pain. If we experienced events in our early life that disrupted the proper development of certain parts of our brain, we may be prone to turn to a substance for relief from pain. (Emotional, or physical.)

But we don’t have to be an opioid addict to suffer from this affliction.

Many of us turn to perfectly legal activities to activate the reward center of our brain despite their adverse consequences. These may include alcohol, work, shopping, video games, social media, or something as simple as food.

Addiction is a treatable disease, but we have to see it for what it is for effective recovery to occur.

  1. Hear No Evil: Stigma and shame.

Stigma is defined as “the mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.” 

Here is how Stigma shows up as a problem with addiction. Historically, instead of joining hands to create paths to recovery for our fellow humans who struggle with addiction, we have cast them out and punished them. We throw people who are not well into the criminal justice system and make it impossible for them to get well or return to a healthy, productive reality.

Can you imagine punishing a fellow human being for having hypertension, diabetes,or obesity?  Sixty-seven percent of us struggle with weight issues or obesity. How would putting us away solve this problem?

  1. Speak No Evil: Fear makes addiction a silent killer.

Of the twenty million Americans who are struggling with substance misuse, only 10% seek treatment. 

The shame and stigma of addiction drive us to suffer alone and prevent us from seeking help. We are afraid to come forth into the light because of fear of the consequences. Thus, we are deprived of the possibility of treatment and recovery. The problem with hiding our issues with addiction is that it cuts off our lifeline to solutions.

Many people around us struggle with addiction, but we will never know if we don’t speak about it. By hiding our struggles and not celebrating our stories of recovery, we deprive one another of the support and resources to recover. Our hearts have been closed for so long because of our fear of being judged and losing connection.We can gain the relief we need through meaningful connection and kinship with others who perhaps suffer too. But this solution is hi-jacked by our fear. 

The unknown is a significant risk factor for our health,as is social isolation. It is not too late to take an active stance and break the silence of addiction.

If you personally are suffering in silence, know that you are not alone!

Call 1-800-662-HELP (4357). This is a free and confidential treatment, referral,and information services line open 24 hours/7 days a week.The service is operated by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA).

Final thoughts

Almost half a century ago, a Professor of psychology named Bruce Alexander came across a compelling discovery in a now famous addiction experiment that he called “Rat Park”.

He found that we do not become addicted to activities that have adverse consequences because we are flawed. We engage in addictive behaviors because we do not have access to healthy ways to overcome the challenges of modern life. These healthy ways include connection to others and a sense of belonging.

The rats in the Rat Park experiment that lived in a housing colony, rather than in an isolated cage, were more resistant to addiction. When we have a solid sense of belonging (much like the rats in the Rat Park experiment), we have a positive way to stay closer to pleasure and further away from pain. We are able to do this without the adverse consequences of addictive substitutes.

I don’t mean to overlook the differences that the contributions of our individual histories of vulnerability, genetic make-ups and environments have on the problem of addiction.

I also do not intend to down-play the unique experiences and challenges that different forms of addiction present to our fellow human beings.

But I do agree with Professor Alexanderon the following point.

Our problem with addiction is much more of a social problem than it is an individual disorder.

We need to replace discrimination with compassion, punishment with compassionate care, and fear with early-addiction education and harm-reduction efforts. When we do this, then we may have the opportunity to solve the problem of addiction.

And we can then begin to end our global health crisis.

What to Do About Not Doing What We Say We Want to Do

self compassion

Last week I wrote about the reasons why sometimes our very own habitual responses become the biggest obstacles to getting what we really want!

I can think of so many examples of this, but the easiest one that comes to mind is giving in to junk food when stressed, even though we committed to shedding unwanted weight. Our nervous systems have developed to try to ease discomfort by activating our reward system during challenging moments and past responses, such as eating junk food, have become automatic and occur without our permission.

If you identify with this challenge in your own life, I have some great science-based tips you can use to activate the superpowers that I know you have to actually get what you want in life.

Research is clearly showing an untapped area that is extremely effective in helping to align our internal states and external actions to get exactly what we want in life: It is called Self-Compassion.

Compassion is defined as “concern and desire to alleviate the suffering of another.” The part we are missing, which is clearly below the realm of our awareness, is that we cannot alleviate anyone’s suffering until we alleviate our own!

As a toxicologist who understands the toxic effect of chemicals on our body, like the stress hormone cortisol, and as a human sufferer who did not really understand how to love myself until I became ill, here are some practical ways to become better at cultivating self-compassion.

  1. Choose to let your distress become your motivation.

Many of the emotional states that drive our actions occur below the realm of our awareness. One common, unhealthy manifestation of underlying, wounded self- worth is playing the martyr and the rescuer of others. Although it is important to be kind and loving to others, pay close attention to any relationships that take up a big chunk of your energy without providing an equal reciprocity of love and support.

The reason we are wiling to give so much of ourselves in exchange for so little is personal and different for every one of us but, regardless of the reason, it is extremely toxic for our health and can make us very sick in the long run.

It pains me to remember the part of my life when I chose to play the martyr. In hindsight and after scrupulous inner work, I can tell you that the reason I made that choice was to alleviate my deep, hidden fears of abandonment. Each and every one of us is equally worthy of love and belonging and we should not be taking care of others at the expense of our own health to feel loved and to belong.

The world-renowned medical intuitive and best-selling author Carolyn Myss has taught me much about this common trap and how sick one can get by negotiating away parts of our self in exchange for safety and security.

We can use the distress of emotional or physical malaise that results from playing the martyr to challenge ourselves to nip in the bud this very unhealthy, unconscious tendency. Ask yourself: Am I creating a deficit of time, effort, love, or something else for myself by playing the rescuer or martyr for another? Answering and addressing that question in one of the most profound ways to cultivate and put to work your superpowers to get all that you want and deserve in this life.

  1. Practice the power of reframing. – Transform triggers to breakthroughs.

When we fail to stick to our New Year’s resolutions, we often get critical and intolerant of ourselves. What if instead of calling those situations a “failure,” we call the fact that we noticed our self criticism a breakthrough? Every time a person or life situation triggers a state of anxiety within, and you catch yourself reaching out for an unhealthy way to self-soothe it is indeed a fabulous breakthrough, because this moment of awareness is the magic moment when you have the opportunity to do something different. By identifying the subtle opportunities for change, we can use every stressor as an opportunity for transformation. We can create a whole new narrative to our story by “choosing the lyrics to the song our heart sings.” So instead of punishing yourself for any slipups during stressful times, reframe them as mini-breakthroughs and ask yourself: What does being caring, kind, and supportive to myself look like right in this moment? What is it that I need right now? I promise you it is not a chocolate muffin!

  1. Instead of self-judgment, learn to embrace and own how powerful you are!

 Are you sometimes shocked at how hard you can be on yourself? Why do we have so much empathy for our friends when they make mistakes, yet are so unkind and harsh to ourselves? The answer to that question is hidden inside our physiology. The truth is that our conditioned way of being self-critical when we mess up is a result of the activation of our stress response, which is activated just as it would be if we were being chased by someone dangerous. The key to breaking through this limitation is to understand it better. You see, self-criticism does not actually present a physical threat like being chased by a criminal does. The threat a mistake or a failure presents to us is a threat to our self-concept. When we fail in some way or we hear news that challenges our perception of self we attack ourselves because, unbeknownst to us, our thoughts threaten our self-concept!

When our friend fails, we have plenty of encouraging words of affirmation because our friend’s failure does not threaten our self-worth. Dr. Brene Brown has done some amazing work that links shame with our fight or flight response. She has spent the best part of the last two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy and is the author of four #1 New York Times bestsellers—The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly, Rising Strong, and Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. So, the next time you feel your harsh inner critic surfacing, place your hand on your heart and instead of being harsh think or say some encouraging words to yourself. For example, you can say: “I am just human; it’s okay if I make mistakes.” Then ask yourself: What is within my control about this situation that I can change to get a different result?

  1. Connect, touch, and be touched.

When we feel less than, get a bad diagnosis, or fail at a regimen of self-improvement, our fear circuitry in the brain’s amygdala gets triggered and we shift to an older, non-relational part of our brain, which leads to us operating from our fight, flight, or freeze state. However, we have another system available to us, our attachment system, which provides a different and very effective way of dealing with dangers in the environment—connection and human touch. Although our reptilian, conditioned, unrefined way of responding to stress is to withdraw and isolate to keep our feelings of “not being good enough” to ourselves, we can choose to do something different. We can choose to connect, share our stories and our stressors, hold someone’s hand, and enjoy the myriad benefits of the “feel good” hormone, oxytocin. Next time you feel threatened, ask yourself: How did I get so lucky that I have the love, kindness, and support of (name a person who loves you here) in my life? And instead of an unhealthy alternative, reach out to them instead!

  1. Embrace pain, and practice being comfortable with discomfort.

We are hard-wired to avoid pain and to look for anything that alleviates it, even if that something is killing us. We will even excuse and allow in our lives people who treat us unkindly, hurt, or betray us. This leads us to a tendency to numb our pain with a story we make up, like excuses for the reasons why we let people off the hook that hurt and betray us. Forgiveness is absolutely necessary and vital to our health and healing. But so is being able to set healthy boundaries and cut the cord from people that treat us unkindly and cause us continuous pain.

The truth is that the ultimate gift and act of love to ourselves is to train our brain to be okay with the undeniable part of life that involves a significant amount of suffering. What if instead of investing our energy in hurt people that hurt us, we choose to acknowledge and be with the pain of the situation without resistance? There is no need to cover up and perpetuate any source of pain in your life. We can instead befriend it and ask: What is this painful experience here to teach me? What can I choose to do differently because of the pearls of wisdom this painful experience has bestowed on me?

You are so incredibly complex, powerful, and beautiful!

It took me many years to see that one of the reasons we don’t do what we know will get us what we want is because we have not yet come to terms with just how amazing we are.

Science has come to the side of ancient, contemplative wisdom to form a beacon of light for our liberation.

And thankfully, we don’t have to study science to leverage its power to become the “master of our domain.”

We can accept not just the undeniable beauty but also the pain of human existence.

We can choose to cut the lifeline to excuses and live by the truth that we cannot love anyone any more than we love ourselves.

We can choose to see our human connectedness and how we all go through our fair share of ups and downs, often not so graciously.

You are powerful beyond comprehension, and you can cease playing small and let your light shine by learning how to truly love yourself.

After all, as our dear Dr. Brene Brown has uncovered through her research: “We can only love others as much as we love ourselves.”

An Overlooked yet Powerful Antidote to Stress: Compassion!

We spend so much time and money trying to figure out how to neutralize the negative impact of stress on our busy, information-overloaded lives! Yet one of the simplest, and also ultra-effective, solutions flies right under our radar: Compassion!

Compassion is our response and action towards relieving another’s suffering.

Study after study provides compelling evidence that when we approach life from a compassionate and altruistic place, we are much healthier, happier and live longer.

I have noticed that every time my life gets challenging, something pulls me toward volunteering in my community, which every time has proven to be a profound contributor to my level of happiness and ability to stay “in my zen.”

I recently was sworn in as a court-appointed special advocate (CASA) for abused children in my community. Despite the pressures and demands of being a single mother entrepreneur, making the time to volunteer has significantly enhanced my resilience and has added so much positive energy to my life. Regardless of my time limitations, I know that by being a child’s advocate, my CASA child is:

  • half as likely to spend time in long-term foster care,
  • four times less likely to re-enter the child welfare system, and
  • able to receive more court-ordered services, such as therapy and educational assistance.

I want to tell you why you should consider giving back and why it is one of the most effective strategies against stress.

  1. Voluntary work is a great way to make new, meaningful friendships.

Despite the ease by which we are able to find and connect to our elementary school friends over Facebook, today one in four of us do not have a person in whom we can confide. We are most probably living in the midst of the worst loneliness crisis in the history of our species. Offering as little as one of your 168 hours in any given week to serve as a volunteer gives you access to an incredible pool of people who happen to be just as wonderful as you and just as passionate about the cause you are passionate about—so much so, that they are also working on it for free.

  1. Volunteering is good for your health.

Study after study consistently reflect that compassion, altruism and kindness have a profound impact in your health and wellbeing. In fact a study by the United Health Group and the Optum Institute found that volunteering has a significant positive impact on our physical, emotional, and psychological health. Out of the study participants, 78% of the ones who had volunteered over the prior twelve months reported lower stress levels and 94% reported improved mood.

  1. Volunteering is an amazing way to enhance your skills for free.

We never stop growing and evolving until our very last breath. Commitment to continuing education is always the best investment of our resources. But have you considered that you can receive free training in invaluable skills at the same time as you are improving the odds for a happy and successful life for a fellow human being? The incredible training offered by the CASA advocates of my county enhanced my knowledge of human development, the needs of my community, and the court system. If there is a cause that is near and dear to your heart, giving back to that cause can significantly enhance your skill set and your abilities.

  1. Volunteering is a “career-enhancing” move.

When employers are considering the career advancement of their employees, community involvement and volunteering have always topped the charts in reflecting personal character and ethos. From the opportunity to collaborate and foster teamwork to having statistics that show the benefits and the direct impact of your efforts, volunteer participation can absolutely enrich your resume and boost your ranking when compared to other candidates being considered for a promotion. I will never forget the incredible sense of pride I experienced being part of reducing the HIV infection rate in East Yorkshire, England as part of my voluntary youth outreach work. And trust me, employers noticed it too.

  1. By volunteering you can really make a difference.

Whether you are helping raise funds for the underserved, providing community education, or helping a child learn better coping mechanisms to deal with adversity, it feels amazing to know you are making a difference by positively impacting someone else’s life. Studies have found that one of the most critical components in restoring work-life balance hinges on how we feel about the work that we do, rather than on the number of hours we spend working. The experience of positively impacting the life of another through the humble contribution of your time and skills carries incredible power.

Throughout my life, I have been blessed with adventure—overcoming adversities and succeeding in three different countries, excelling academically, and meeting and exceeding most of my professional goals.

Yet, my lengthy tenure as a volunteer for AIDS Action (UK), my service on the Council for Drug Problems, and, most recently, my involvement with the court-appointed special advocate (CASA) program in my county top the chart in terms of my sense of accomplishment, joy, and life satisfaction.

While we struggle to keep up with the demands placed upon us and look for ways to reset and restore our precious body system balance, giving back is often the last activity we would consider as an avenue for increased well-being.

We turn to many other strategies to manage stress at the end of the day. We may drink a glass of wine, watch television, or take a sleeping aid.

But why not try out volunteering?

I am not sure of where you are in life or the challenges you may be facing. But I can guarantee you that by volunteering you will form friendships that will last a lifetime, garner incredible new skills, and know that you are actually making a difference in building community wellness. Volunteering is one of the most robust ways to not only get the maximum return on your investment, but to actually improve your own well-being and be the change you want to see in this world.