Oftentimes, when our love life does not go according to plan, we get mad at the most innocent victim of all—love!

Here is how the story usually goes. Every once in a while, we fall in love in a powerful, all-consuming way that makes us feel on top of the world: We feel invincible, we can perform miracles on barely any sleep, we go to the gym, we look our best, we whistle on the way to work on Mondays. Everything seems possible. Then nature’s love potion that characterizes the infatuation phase of a relationship runs out. Our old state of being returns, often full of negative emotions like doubt, concern, and fear. We feel heartbroken and blame love and the object of our affection for these negative emotions. Then we decide we are never getting in another relationship again. We would rather be alone than weather the storms of love and the hurt that comes with it. Does this sound familiar?

Now, let me introduce a different perspective that may help you to create a more sustainable reality within your control with a better ending: love does not hurt. The pain we feel when we are in love is about the fears that depending on another awaken in us based on our past experiences. If you think back to all of your relationships that ended in heartache, you will likely find a common theme—fear of either being abandoned, run over, engulfed or used.

Love is actually beautifully simple and powerful. It is an agreement between two people to hold each other’s hand in becoming the best version of themselves. One of the most profound ways we do that for one another when we are in a healthy, secure relationship is through calming each other’s nervous system simply by having each other’s back. We have much science that backs up that claim.

Attachment, in and of itself, is the way we address dangers in the environment by seeking comfort and support from those we depend on. But how can we let ourselves be comfortable exposing our vulnerabilities and depending on another if we don’t have past experiences that yielded positive outcomes when we did depend on another? Here are some ideas.

1. We have to get to the point where we want to do something differently. That means that we have to be honest with ourselves regarding our contributions to why our relationships have not worked. Until we allow our relationship distress to be our catalyst for change, we will just keep allowing our past to design our present and our future.
2. We have to be willing to be in our power and see things for what they are. Every time we blame “the other” for anything that is not working in our relationship, we give away our power to impact the outcome of a situation. What if we let our partner off the hook and focus instead on what we can control? Sometimes that means we have to own the way we show up and sabotage our relationships.
3. We have to embrace and respect our nervous system, which drives our behavior on auto-pilot until we decide to bring the unconscious into consciousness. For example, if we refuse to understand and heal an injury that resulted from any type of abuse in our childhood, every time we get close to someone special our nervous system will automatically do things we may not even be aware of. This can include, for example, shutting down the right hemisphere of our brain which controls our relational abilities.
4. We have to allow ourselves to have love relationships so that we can heal ourselves. If we did not have the best relationships as a child, our brain may not be well developed in regions associated with fabulous inner strengths. However, as an adult, we can still build gray matter and develop these regions of the brain. The Nobel prize-winning concept of neuroplasticity has given us hope and backed up the following quote with science: “whatever we focus on becomes our reality.”
5. We have to accept that we are hard-wired for connection as scary as it seems to give in to love. Studies show that a secure, functioning relationship is the most concrete path to our best, most confident self.

Every now and then, the one you have been looking for will cross your path. Imperfections aside, they will be there for you no matter what! They will show you their fondness and admiration in many ways: making you chicken soup when you are sick; having a stress relieving conversation with you at the end of the day; celebrating your birthday; holding your hand during a nature walk, and kissing you softly. You will know they are the one when they take to heart any unmet need you express and make necessary adjustments for you to feel safe.

It’s true that when we are alone, we can easily camouflage past pains, unfinished business, and raw spots. But the next time love brings you, someone who is willing to hold a lamp to light your path and be the ultimate mirror to your soul, this is your opportunity to truly get to know yourself, rewrite your story, and allow the master in you to defeat the darkness of your past.

And I can promise you that when you do this, love will never hurt again!