Category: Turn Towards the things that matter

Scientists from various fields of research have long noted an association between social relationships and health.

Over six decades ago, John Bowlby’s revolutionary research on attachment was one of the first to bring to light the high mortality rates in infants who had no social contact.

Since then, a wealth of studies has provided robust evidence that the lack of strong social support should be added to the list of significant risk factors to health.
In fact, a 2010 study provided evidence that social isolation is more harmful than smoking, drinking six alcoholic drinks per day, and not exercising. And social isolation is twice as harmful as obesity!

A loneliness crisis is evident all around us. Statistics reflect that the number of close friendships that the average American has today is only one, with more than one quarter of Americans not having a single person to confide in.

We don’t have to reside in one of the noted Blue zones to incorporate the practice of doing small things daily towards the goal of building social relationships— one of the most critical influencers on positive health. What small things can you start doing daily to increase your social connections?

An Overlooked yet Powerful Antidote to Stress: Compassion!

We spend so much time and money trying to figure out how to neutralize the negative impact of stress on our busy, information-overloaded lives! Yet one of the simplest, and also ultra-effective, solutions flies right under our radar: Compassion!

Compassion is our response and action towards relieving another’s suffering.

Study after study provides compelling evidence that when we approach life from a compassionate and altruistic place, we are much healthier, happier and live longer.

I have noticed that every time my life gets challenging, something pulls me toward volunteering in my community, which every time has proven to be a profound contributor to my level of happiness and ability to stay “in my zen.”

I recently was sworn in as a court-appointed special advocate (CASA) for abused children in my community. Despite the pressures and demands of being a single mother entrepreneur, making the time to volunteer has significantly enhanced my resilience and has added so much positive energy to my life. Regardless of my time limitations, I know that by being a child’s advocate, my CASA child is:

  • half as likely to spend time in long-term foster care,
  • four times less likely to re-enter the child welfare system, and
  • able to receive more court-ordered services, such as therapy and educational assistance.

I want to tell you why you should consider giving back and why it is one of the most effective strategies against stress.

  1. Voluntary work is a great way to make new, meaningful friendships.

Despite the ease by which we are able to find and connect to our elementary school friends over Facebook, today one in four of us do not have a person in whom we can confide. We are most probably living in the midst of the worst loneliness crisis in the history of our species. Offering as little as one of your 168 hours in any given week to serve as a volunteer gives you access to an incredible pool of people who happen to be just as wonderful as you and just as passionate about the cause you are passionate about—so much so, that they are also working on it for free.

  1. Volunteering is good for your health.

Study after study consistently reflect that compassion, altruism and kindness have a profound impact in your health and wellbeing. In fact a study by the United Health Group and the Optum Institute found that volunteering has a significant positive impact on our physical, emotional, and psychological health. Out of the study participants, 78% of the ones who had volunteered over the prior twelve months reported lower stress levels and 94% reported improved mood.

  1. Volunteering is an amazing way to enhance your skills for free.

We never stop growing and evolving until our very last breath. Commitment to continuing education is always the best investment of our resources. But have you considered that you can receive free training in invaluable skills at the same time as you are improving the odds for a happy and successful life for a fellow human being? The incredible training offered by the CASA advocates of my county enhanced my knowledge of human development, the needs of my community, and the court system. If there is a cause that is near and dear to your heart, giving back to that cause can significantly enhance your skill set and your abilities.

  1. Volunteering is a “career-enhancing” move.

When employers are considering the career advancement of their employees, community involvement and volunteering have always topped the charts in reflecting personal character and ethos. From the opportunity to collaborate and foster teamwork to having statistics that show the benefits and the direct impact of your efforts, volunteer participation can absolutely enrich your resume and boost your ranking when compared to other candidates being considered for a promotion. I will never forget the incredible sense of pride I experienced being part of reducing the HIV infection rate in East Yorkshire, England as part of my voluntary youth outreach work. And trust me, employers noticed it too.

  1. By volunteering you can really make a difference.

Whether you are helping raise funds for the underserved, providing community education, or helping a child learn better coping mechanisms to deal with adversity, it feels amazing to know you are making a difference by positively impacting someone else’s life. Studies have found that one of the most critical components in restoring work-life balance hinges on how we feel about the work that we do, rather than on the number of hours we spend working. The experience of positively impacting the life of another through the humble contribution of your time and skills carries incredible power.

Throughout my life, I have been blessed with adventure—overcoming adversities and succeeding in three different countries, excelling academically, and meeting and exceeding most of my professional goals.

Yet, my lengthy tenure as a volunteer for AIDS Action (UK), my service on the Council for Drug Problems, and, most recently, my involvement with the court-appointed special advocate (CASA) program in my county top the chart in terms of my sense of accomplishment, joy, and life satisfaction.

While we struggle to keep up with the demands placed upon us and look for ways to reset and restore our precious body system balance, giving back is often the last activity we would consider as an avenue for increased well-being.

We turn to many other strategies to manage stress at the end of the day. We may drink a glass of wine, watch television, or take a sleeping aid.

But why not try out volunteering?

I am not sure of where you are in life or the challenges you may be facing. But I can guarantee you that by volunteering you will form friendships that will last a lifetime, garner incredible new skills, and know that you are actually making a difference in building community wellness. Volunteering is one of the most robust ways to not only get the maximum return on your investment, but to actually improve your own well-being and be the change you want to see in this world.

Five Simple Science Based Pathways to Happiness

Do you feel happy?

If your answer to that question is “yes but…,” I would like to invite you to consider some unconventional pathways to happiness. After all, among all the things we search for in this life, you could say that happiness is the one pursuit that is universal! In addition, scientific research clearly substantiates that happiness is linked to unimpeded well-being, peak performance, and professional success.

If you would like to experience more happiness, here are five practices based on secrets from the neuroscience of happy people that you can use:

  1. Question and redefine the important elements of your life.

Our beliefs, definitions, and values come from our familial, societal, and cultural history. These become our models of the world, and they affect our patterns of behavior and habits. For example, maybe we were raised with the belief that “to be successful in the corporate world you have to pay your dues and sacrifice your personal life.” That belief can lead to us working late evenings and weekends, which will eventually lead to complete imbalance between work and life. We can free ourselves from our history and create the future we want by carefully redefining the important terms in our life. For example, we could redefine success as “having a healthy work/life balance.” And what about our definition of happiness? Have you considered that the way we define happiness may determine whether or not we will be able to attain it? If we define happiness in an all or nothing way, for example, “I will be happy when I am a millionaire,” that sets us up for being unhappy until or if we reach that goal.

The practice: To identify definitions that inadvertently take you out of balance, a good practice is to dedicate time to observe and change beliefs that we have adopted from our environment that affect us in a negative way. Take a moment to create a list of your top three causes of stress. Then, in a second column, list the beliefs and values that are related to those elements being stressors. What terms do you need to redefine so that you can get closer to wholeness and balance? When I was a starving student in a Northern England university, I was one of the people who thought happiness was “having a million dollars.” Today I define happiness as “the ratio between expectation and outcome.” That way, I have an ongoing list of variables I can adjust to improve my sense of happiness, which lowers my level of stress.

  1. Quiet your mind.

Does mindfulness seem like a mystical practice that you are not sure you are capable of performing? What if we look at mindfulness in a way that takes the mysticism and mystery out of it? Mindfulness is simply the practice of directing our attention to the present moment. Although simple, this practice is the most robust and scientific evidence-based practice for health, productivity, and happiness. Several decades of studies show tremendous structural and functional benefits in the brains of fellow humans who have a regular mindfulness practice.

The practice: Find a small slot every day (5-10 minutes) to keep your attention only on your breath. When you notice your attention wandering off (to a negative interaction with your spouse, what you will cook for dinner, or anything else), simply notice it and bring your attention back to your breath. Little by little, you will be happy to realize that after all these years, much of your suffering was a byproduct of your thoughts and emotions. You can find my favorite guided meditation here to help you get started: https://myndzen.com/the-solution/quiet-your-mind/

  1. Nurture your body.

We have decades of data reflecting the incredible benefits of healthy foods and exercise on our cardiovascular health. But did you know that exercise has been proven to have another significant effect? It can make you happier! Exercise has been studied as a treatment for depression for the last thirty years, ever since Professor James Blumenthal (Dept. of Psychology and Neuroscience, Duke University) noticed the inadvertent benefit of exercise on reducing symptoms of depression. A more recent review (2013) by the non-profit Colchrane, a leader in gathering and sharing evidence-based medicine resources, concluded that exercise is as effective a treatment for depression as pharmaceutical treatments.

The practice: Take a few moments to plan out your week so you can slowly, but surely, add regular intervals of exercise into your busy schedule. Can you listen to a conference call, your favorite Podcast, or a TED talk while you are taking a walk instead of sitting at your desk? Although at first it may seem like a challenge to fit one more thing into your busy life, I can promise you that if you stick to it for at least three weeks, you can create a new habit for life. The positive impact on your mood of “feel good” chemicals (like glutamate and GABA) released in your brain through exercise will make you so happy you did!

  1. Turn toward what matters.

Whether we turn to neuroscience, psychology, or human experience, the evidence is clear that strong social connections are one of the most important predictors for longevity, health, and happiness! I hear sometimes that we “don’t have time for relationships” in our busy world. As it turns out, having strong relationships that act as a safety net makes us so much happier. Social connections not only flood our system with oxytocin, which reduces fear in our brain, but also create the solid core from which we can conquer the ups and downs of life with increased well-being.

The practice: Add taking the time EVERY DAY to connect with the important people in your life to your to-do list. Ask yourself what you appreciate about them and take the time to let them know. Maybe you can even put a love note in their briefcase.

  1. Cultivate the positive perspective.

Depression is the most common mental disorder in the world affecting more than 300 million people. Prominent scientists around the world have invested a significant amount of time and effort in understanding it. Today, with the insights we have gathered from the way depression affects the brain, we know exactly which parts of our brain we need to affect to build a happy brain that is resilient against depression and anxiety and we know how to do it. For example, we know positive thoughts can build the part of our brains that reduce depression and increase happiness. Best yet, we don’t have to be neuroscientists to benefit from this knowledge.

The practice: Whenever something happens to you that elicits negative emotions, acknowledge the validity of those feelings and redirect your attention to uncovering five positive elements of that experience. For example, if you were just laid off, recognize the legitimate concern about this event. Then focus your attention on how this unforeseen circumstance could perhaps provide you with a much-needed reset space to reconsider your next career move, or with time with your family, and so on and so forth.

FINAL THOUGHTS Beyond the euphoric emotions that we all associate with being happy, there are also many evidence-based benefits to our well-being when we are feeling happy. Being happier not only makes us more open, approachable, hopeful, and optimistic, but also increases our immune function and our ability to calm down in the midst of chaos.There has never been a better time to employ self-compassion and accountability toward nurturing the real sources of happiness in our life.

After all, scientific research has proven that the conventional things we historically go after, fail to make us happier. For example, a relatively recent Princeton University study by Nobel-prize winning economist, Angus Deaton, and psychologist, Daniel Kahneman showed that once one’s income level reaches $75,000 per year, no matter how much more we make, it makes no difference to our degree of happiness!

It appears that beyond the short bursts of primal happiness from having nice material possessions, enjoying a lovely meal, or making love, there is one type of happiness that is internal—one that we carry with us always regardless of the size of our bank account or the type of car we drive.

That kind of happiness hinges upon our ability to maintain a calm nervous system, even when experiences we are having are not pleasant.

Almost six decades of scientific data are illuminating significant clues on how to accomplish having a calm nervous system. We can free ourselves from past limiting beliefs that hold us hostage, redefine the important elements of our life, quiet our minds and nurture our bodies, connect with our loved ones, and focus on the positive, thereby harnessing our incredible nervous system for our health and well-being.

When we establish this sense of internal safety, we will be able to perceive the world and our life as a positive experience.

And that kind of happiness, my friend, is 100% within your control!

Why We Should Let Love Rule

Do you know what the best predictor is of how long you will live, how well you will do in life, and how healthy you will be?

Are you ready? The best predictor for well-being is…drum roll…love!

After my marriage, which had lasted the majority of my adult life, failed, I vowed to never fall in love again. I announced to myself, to the world, and to all interested parties that I was not willing to fall for love ever again!

Until one day, when I least expected it, one of my best friends—who I adored—kissed me and decided to move the moon and the stars in order to change my mind and make me fall in love just one more time.

The all-encompassing love that followed had a profound impact on my life and awakened me to levels of consciousness and self-awareness that I never knew were possible.

If you, like me, have found yourself disappointed and disillusioned by love, let me give you ten good reasons to reconsider!

  1. Love—a fundamental need

After food and shelter, one of our most fundamental needs on this planet is to connect with others. The way we see and perceive things is shaped by our connections. Research clearly shows that nothing appears to give us a larger advantage in life than a healthy primary relationship.

  1. Love as a predictor of well-being

A happy love relationship is one of the strongest predictors of physical and emotional health. People in healthy relationships recover faster from illnesses, live longer, and are less prone to disease and ailments than their single counterparts.

  1. Love’s survival benefit

Having a secure attachment to a special one also appears to offer us a significant survival benefit through an apparent activation in our brain that diminishes threats in the face of situations that are perceived as stressful. At a time when stress is believed to be the epidemic of the century, love seems to be one of the most effective ways to neutralize its toxic effects from the inside out.

  1. Loves antidepressant and pain-relieving properties

Physical and emotional closeness is one of the most potent antidepressants and pain-killers. When we hold or touch the person we love, the hormone oxytocin is released into our blood stream. Oxytocin appears to have a significant impact on many central nervous system functions, including those modulating anxiety, depression, and pain perception. So, when you are stressed by your job, forget about Xanax. Make love instead!

  1. The power of love on your attachment style

If you happened to have been raised by parents who were not attuned to you, you probably developed an insecure attachment style. Although you had nothing to do with the creation of your insecure attachment style, it will determine the way you relate to others in intimate relationships. And trust me, I know from personal experience that we don’t relate in healthy ways when our attachment style is insecure. Research, however, shows us we can transform our insecure attachment style to a secure attachment style, which has the qualities of relationship harmony, bliss, and joy. But guess what? We can only accomplish that transition through the power of a healthy adult relationship. This is the most effective way to replace the relational pattern that was developed with our primary caregivers in childhood. (See Attachment Theory Review in the Science section, if you would like to learn more.)

  1. Love’s invaluable insight to self

A relationship with a significant other is the most profound mirror to our soul, which reflects not just our beauty, but also any wounds we carry that still need to be processed, healed, and released. If you pay close attention to your complaints about your partner and/or your relationship, you will get incredible insights about the raw spots in you that need your attention and healing. Don’t you think that instead of blaming and walking away from love when we experience past pain, we should actually be ever so grateful to love for illuminating the path to our complete freedom from pain?

  1. Love and self-mastery

Falling in love is an intense opportunity to practice mastery on so many fronts, because when it comes to love, the stakes are very high. For example, when our lover’s behavior is not what we would like it to be, it is the perfect opportunity to practice letting go of what we can’t control. Or, if we have been conditioned to be independent, and we are not comfortable asking for anything for ourselves, a primary relationship is the perfect space to practice how to state our needs in effective ways.

  1. Love’s impact on success

When we make an authentic connection to someone we can truly depend on, we can absolutely soar as an individual. Our confidence is at its highest, and we are more courageous in going after our dreams and aspirations. Studies reveal that people who are happily coupled have a significantly higher average income than their single counterparts. Paradoxically, it appears that this unique interdependence is a catalyst to our own self-love and independence.

  1. Love’s power to defeat fear

Love is the most potent antidote to fear. One of our biggest challenges in this information-overloaded era we are living in is that fear has become our BFF—our best friend forever. We see fear everywhere: in politics, news, displays of violence, school shootings, and terrorist attacks. Love and fear cannot coexist. Since feeling connected is a primary source of security in life, love is an incredible shield against fear.

  1. Love and happiness

Harvard University’s longest study of human development throughout history, which aimed to uncover the secrets to a fulfilling life, came to the following conclusion: “Happiness is love. Full stop.”

Knowing how many incredible gifts love brings to our lives, wouldn’t you agree that nurturing healthy love is one of our most important human projects?

However, statistics reveal that healthy love is challenged by high relationship failure rates. Join me next week for an empowering perspective on the reasons behind relationship failure. Learn how to open up avenues for solutions within your control, and give love another chance.