Category: Turn Towards the things that matter

Scientists from various fields of research have long noted an association between social relationships and health.

Over six decades ago, John Bowlby’s revolutionary research on attachment was one of the first to bring to light the high mortality rates in infants who had no social contact.

Since then, a wealth of studies has provided robust evidence that the lack of strong social support should be added to the list of significant risk factors to health.
In fact, a 2010 study provided evidence that social isolation is more harmful than smoking, drinking six alcoholic drinks per day, and not exercising. And social isolation is twice as harmful as obesity!

A loneliness crisis is evident all around us. Statistics reflect that the number of close friendships that the average American has today is only one, with more than one quarter of Americans not having a single person to confide in.

We don’t have to reside in one of the noted Blue zones to incorporate the practice of doing small things daily towards the goal of building social relationships— one of the most critical influencers on positive health. What small things can you start doing daily to increase your social connections?

The Problem of Addiction and Recovery

We have eradicated many of what used to be fatal diseases and also increased our life expectancy to the highest it has ever been.  Yet, we are in the midst of a significant global health crisis, which does not align with our incredible medical advances.  

We all recognize heart disease as one of the major killers of our species. But do you know which disease wrecks more lives than heart disease and cancer combined? Addiction!

Perhaps you think that this problem does not impact you.  After all, you are neither a homeless, opioid addict nor a character in a Quentin Tarantino movie.

In this article, I invite you to reconsider.

Recovery from addiction is a daunting challenge for the individual, family, and for our society. But if we unmask the real problems of addiction, perhaps we can come up with more effective solutions for recovery. 

Although I am not an addiction professional, eliminating obstacles to recovery from addiction is a personal mission for me. This mission began when I was sixteen and lost a loved one to a drug overdose.

For the last thirty years, I have been a committed advocate of addiction recovery. I began this work in college when I volunteered at the “Council for drug problems”. And today, a big part of my work as a Integrative Wellness coach and speaker involves providing addiction professionals with effective tools against compassion fatigue and burnout.

The privilege of working with these incredible individuals has taught me much about what the real problem with addiction is. I have also learned what it means to rise like the phoenix from the ashes and begin a new life.

Addiction and recovery

See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil

This proverb of the three wise monkeys seems to encapsulate pretty well our problems with addiction. Our lack of moral responsibility and our choice to look the other way on this very solvable problem, may be the most lethal component of this issue.

  1. See No Evil: We don’t see addiction for what it really is

 

We often view addiction as a weakness, character flaw, or a punishable crime. However, addiction is a disease, which involves well-substantiated alterations of our brain’s structures and functions. Science informs us that the disease of addiction is a “brain disorder that is characterized by engagement in rewarding stimuli despite the adverse consequences.”

Regardless of our personal history, our common biology propels us to act in ways that get us closer to pleasure and away from pain. If we experienced events in our early life that disrupted the proper development of certain parts of our brain, we may be prone to turn to a substance for relief from pain. (Emotional, or physical.)

But we don’t have to be an opioid addict to suffer from this affliction.

Many of us turn to perfectly legal activities to activate the reward center of our brain despite their adverse consequences. These may include alcohol, work, shopping, video games, social media, or something as simple as food.

Addiction is a treatable disease, but we have to see it for what it is for effective recovery to occur.

  1. Hear No Evil: Stigma and shame.

Stigma is defined as “the mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.” 

Here is how Stigma shows up as a problem with addiction. Historically, instead of joining hands to create paths to recovery for our fellow humans who struggle with addiction, we have cast them out and punished them. We throw people who are not well into the criminal justice system and make it impossible for them to get well or return to a healthy, productive reality.

Can you imagine punishing a fellow human being for having hypertension, diabetes,or obesity?  Sixty-seven percent of us struggle with weight issues or obesity. How would putting us away solve this problem?

  1. Speak No Evil: Fear makes addiction a silent killer.

Of the twenty million Americans who are struggling with substance misuse, only 10% seek treatment. 

The shame and stigma of addiction drive us to suffer alone and prevent us from seeking help. We are afraid to come forth into the light because of fear of the consequences. Thus, we are deprived of the possibility of treatment and recovery. The problem with hiding our issues with addiction is that it cuts off our lifeline to solutions.

Many people around us struggle with addiction, but we will never know if we don’t speak about it. By hiding our struggles and not celebrating our stories of recovery, we deprive one another of the support and resources to recover. Our hearts have been closed for so long because of our fear of being judged and losing connection.We can gain the relief we need through meaningful connection and kinship with others who perhaps suffer too. But this solution is hi-jacked by our fear. 

The unknown is a significant risk factor for our health,as is social isolation. It is not too late to take an active stance and break the silence of addiction.

If you personally are suffering in silence, know that you are not alone!

Call 1-800-662-HELP (4357). This is a free and confidential treatment, referral,and information services line open 24 hours/7 days a week.The service is operated by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA).

Final thoughts

Almost half a century ago, a Professor of psychology named Bruce Alexander came across a compelling discovery in a now famous addiction experiment that he called “Rat Park”.

He found that we do not become addicted to activities that have adverse consequences because we are flawed. We engage in addictive behaviors because we do not have access to healthy ways to overcome the challenges of modern life. These healthy ways include connection to others and a sense of belonging.

The rats in the Rat Park experiment that lived in a housing colony, rather than in an isolated cage, were more resistant to addiction. When we have a solid sense of belonging (much like the rats in the Rat Park experiment), we have a positive way to stay closer to pleasure and further away from pain. We are able to do this without the adverse consequences of addictive substitutes.

I don’t mean to overlook the differences that the contributions of our individual histories of vulnerability, genetic make-ups and environments have on the problem of addiction.

I also do not intend to down-play the unique experiences and challenges that different forms of addiction present to our fellow human beings.

But I do agree with Professor Alexanderon the following point.

Our problem with addiction is much more of a social problem than it is an individual disorder.

We need to replace discrimination with compassion, punishment with compassionate care, and fear with early-addiction education and harm-reduction efforts. When we do this, then we may have the opportunity to solve the problem of addiction.

And we can then begin to end our global health crisis.

Recovery Tips When Facing a Significant Challenge.

challenge

Life is beautiful. Yet along with all of its wonderful parts, life also comes with a significant amount of challenges.

Right when we think we have done enough work to enjoy a sense of safety, stability and order, some new crisis shows up that disturbs our peace and leaves us feeling overwhelmed, frustrated and alone.

Perhaps a significant relationship ends, we lose our job, or a family member suffers an unexpected illness.

 I recently found myself in the midst of two significant family crises, involving two of the most important people in my life. These life developments came about, right when I had finally established a wonderful balance of living my life in alignment with my values. I launched my business, Myndzen, and was beginning to get some wonderful results helping Care Giving Professionals develop sustainable resilience against burnout and compassion fatigue.

With these family crises, my energy had to be redirected to elements I had not planned for.

I hope you did not take personally the lack of my on-line presence. I had to re-prioritize, re-distribute my energy, and take the necessary time to find a new balance based on my new life circumstances. I am so happy to be back with you again!

Sometimes, adverse life situations are long-term consequences of our own actions. Other times, they relate to things outside of our control.

Either way, the big question is: How do we minimize the pain and speed up our recovery when we face a significant challenge in our life?

Here are some strategies that were surprisingly effective in my personal experience.

  1. Take some activities off your plate.

When some unexpected twist of fate shows up in our life, we feel a palpable energy deficit.  The way we usually attempt to fix this is by sacrificing self-care, giving up things we enjoy, or working late.

Let’s face it, when we deal with major stressors, self-compassion goes out of the window and we become rather self-critical. Right?

But does the inner critic provide us with the support we need to overcome adversity?

The world’s most prominent expert on self-compassion, Kristin Neff, helped me realize that self-criticism activates our stress response, which is already over-activated. We are only physiologically designed to elicit our stress response occasionally. When we are dealing with a crisis, we need to purposefully create ample space to revive in between sprints.

When a major life change shows up, what can you realistically take off your plate, at least temporarily, to maintain access to the problem-solving abilities of your powerful brain? It is both okay and necessary to give yourself the permission to do so.

  1. Be with the pain of the challenge you are facing with equanimity.

When things fall apart, we face the immediate, realistic consequence—the loss of a person whose presence is significant for us, or the direct loss of financial resources associated with losing our job. Yet often times, there is a significant amount of suffering that stems not from the event itself, but from the narrative that accompanies a painful life situation. We may find ourselves going down the road of feeling guilty about the time we did not spend with the loved one that we lost, or envisioning all the possible things that could go  wrong when facing an unexpected re-organization at our workplace. The truth is, 95% of all the things we worry about do not actually happen. What does happen when we allow our mental activity to focus on regrets about the past and worries about the future is to short-circuit our thinking brain. The other thing that also happens, is an extended release of cortisol, which compromises the optimal performance of our body systems.

When events happen that take you off-balance, lean toward the pain and let it be without resisting or exaggerating it. Everything is temporary and this too shall pass. I promise.

  1. Recognize the human connectedness in all of life’s struggles.

When something happens that is linked to a negative outcome, we define it as failure. A sense of shame hides below the brave face we put on for the world, which leads to isolation. The truth is, we all have our fair share of vulnerabilities and the fear that “we are not good enough” is universal. The fabulous, grounded-theory research by Dr. Brene Brown has added much evidence to support this truth. This false sense of separation is a huge obstacle to self-compassion and connection, which is, after all, the most potent pain reliever there is!

Next time you are suffering, what if beyond acknowledging your suffering to yourself, you openly speak about your experience to people who care about you and support you?

Sometimes life gets more complicated than what we think we can handle emotionally and physically.

However, most of the time, it is during the difficult times that we feel compelled to re-shuffle our deck of cards, let go of things that no longer serve us, and chart a new course that is more aligned with our values and purpose.

Although sometimes I experience a great degree of intensity and discomfort in my life, I prefer to deal with it from an inner sense of calm and balance, while openly recognizing that this is part of our human experience.

I know that we live in a culture that does not give us permission for falls, failures,and imperfections. Yet the only way to change that is to slowly, but surely, plant seeds of kindness for ourselves. If we purposely replace self-judgment with self-compassionand isolation with connection, we may just realize that we have plenty of resources and support to transform unfortunate events into catalysts for positive change.

What to Do About Not Doing What We Say We Want to Do

self compassion

Last week I wrote about the reasons why sometimes our very own habitual responses become the biggest obstacles to getting what we really want!

I can think of so many examples of this, but the easiest one that comes to mind is giving in to junk food when stressed, even though we committed to shedding unwanted weight. Our nervous systems have developed to try to ease discomfort by activating our reward system during challenging moments and past responses, such as eating junk food, have become automatic and occur without our permission.

If you identify with this challenge in your own life, I have some great science-based tips you can use to activate the superpowers that I know you have to actually get what you want in life.

Research is clearly showing an untapped area that is extremely effective in helping to align our internal states and external actions to get exactly what we want in life: It is called Self-Compassion.

Compassion is defined as “concern and desire to alleviate the suffering of another.” The part we are missing, which is clearly below the realm of our awareness, is that we cannot alleviate anyone’s suffering until we alleviate our own!

As a toxicologist who understands the toxic effect of chemicals on our body, like the stress hormone cortisol, and as a human sufferer who did not really understand how to love myself until I became ill, here are some practical ways to become better at cultivating self-compassion.

  1. Choose to let your distress become your motivation.

Many of the emotional states that drive our actions occur below the realm of our awareness. One common, unhealthy manifestation of underlying, wounded self- worth is playing the martyr and the rescuer of others. Although it is important to be kind and loving to others, pay close attention to any relationships that take up a big chunk of your energy without providing an equal reciprocity of love and support.

The reason we are wiling to give so much of ourselves in exchange for so little is personal and different for every one of us but, regardless of the reason, it is extremely toxic for our health and can make us very sick in the long run.

It pains me to remember the part of my life when I chose to play the martyr. In hindsight and after scrupulous inner work, I can tell you that the reason I made that choice was to alleviate my deep, hidden fears of abandonment. Each and every one of us is equally worthy of love and belonging and we should not be taking care of others at the expense of our own health to feel loved and to belong.

The world-renowned medical intuitive and best-selling author Carolyn Myss has taught me much about this common trap and how sick one can get by negotiating away parts of our self in exchange for safety and security.

We can use the distress of emotional or physical malaise that results from playing the martyr to challenge ourselves to nip in the bud this very unhealthy, unconscious tendency. Ask yourself: Am I creating a deficit of time, effort, love, or something else for myself by playing the rescuer or martyr for another? Answering and addressing that question in one of the most profound ways to cultivate and put to work your superpowers to get all that you want and deserve in this life.

  1. Practice the power of reframing. – Transform triggers to breakthroughs.

When we fail to stick to our New Year’s resolutions, we often get critical and intolerant of ourselves. What if instead of calling those situations a “failure,” we call the fact that we noticed our self criticism a breakthrough? Every time a person or life situation triggers a state of anxiety within, and you catch yourself reaching out for an unhealthy way to self-soothe it is indeed a fabulous breakthrough, because this moment of awareness is the magic moment when you have the opportunity to do something different. By identifying the subtle opportunities for change, we can use every stressor as an opportunity for transformation. We can create a whole new narrative to our story by “choosing the lyrics to the song our heart sings.” So instead of punishing yourself for any slipups during stressful times, reframe them as mini-breakthroughs and ask yourself: What does being caring, kind, and supportive to myself look like right in this moment? What is it that I need right now? I promise you it is not a chocolate muffin!

  1. Instead of self-judgment, learn to embrace and own how powerful you are!

 Are you sometimes shocked at how hard you can be on yourself? Why do we have so much empathy for our friends when they make mistakes, yet are so unkind and harsh to ourselves? The answer to that question is hidden inside our physiology. The truth is that our conditioned way of being self-critical when we mess up is a result of the activation of our stress response, which is activated just as it would be if we were being chased by someone dangerous. The key to breaking through this limitation is to understand it better. You see, self-criticism does not actually present a physical threat like being chased by a criminal does. The threat a mistake or a failure presents to us is a threat to our self-concept. When we fail in some way or we hear news that challenges our perception of self we attack ourselves because, unbeknownst to us, our thoughts threaten our self-concept!

When our friend fails, we have plenty of encouraging words of affirmation because our friend’s failure does not threaten our self-worth. Dr. Brene Brown has done some amazing work that links shame with our fight or flight response. She has spent the best part of the last two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy and is the author of four #1 New York Times bestsellers—The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly, Rising Strong, and Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. So, the next time you feel your harsh inner critic surfacing, place your hand on your heart and instead of being harsh think or say some encouraging words to yourself. For example, you can say: “I am just human; it’s okay if I make mistakes.” Then ask yourself: What is within my control about this situation that I can change to get a different result?

  1. Connect, touch, and be touched.

When we feel less than, get a bad diagnosis, or fail at a regimen of self-improvement, our fear circuitry in the brain’s amygdala gets triggered and we shift to an older, non-relational part of our brain, which leads to us operating from our fight, flight, or freeze state. However, we have another system available to us, our attachment system, which provides a different and very effective way of dealing with dangers in the environment—connection and human touch. Although our reptilian, conditioned, unrefined way of responding to stress is to withdraw and isolate to keep our feelings of “not being good enough” to ourselves, we can choose to do something different. We can choose to connect, share our stories and our stressors, hold someone’s hand, and enjoy the myriad benefits of the “feel good” hormone, oxytocin. Next time you feel threatened, ask yourself: How did I get so lucky that I have the love, kindness, and support of (name a person who loves you here) in my life? And instead of an unhealthy alternative, reach out to them instead!

  1. Embrace pain, and practice being comfortable with discomfort.

We are hard-wired to avoid pain and to look for anything that alleviates it, even if that something is killing us. We will even excuse and allow in our lives people who treat us unkindly, hurt, or betray us. This leads us to a tendency to numb our pain with a story we make up, like excuses for the reasons why we let people off the hook that hurt and betray us. Forgiveness is absolutely necessary and vital to our health and healing. But so is being able to set healthy boundaries and cut the cord from people that treat us unkindly and cause us continuous pain.

The truth is that the ultimate gift and act of love to ourselves is to train our brain to be okay with the undeniable part of life that involves a significant amount of suffering. What if instead of investing our energy in hurt people that hurt us, we choose to acknowledge and be with the pain of the situation without resistance? There is no need to cover up and perpetuate any source of pain in your life. We can instead befriend it and ask: What is this painful experience here to teach me? What can I choose to do differently because of the pearls of wisdom this painful experience has bestowed on me?

You are so incredibly complex, powerful, and beautiful!

It took me many years to see that one of the reasons we don’t do what we know will get us what we want is because we have not yet come to terms with just how amazing we are.

Science has come to the side of ancient, contemplative wisdom to form a beacon of light for our liberation.

And thankfully, we don’t have to study science to leverage its power to become the “master of our domain.”

We can accept not just the undeniable beauty but also the pain of human existence.

We can choose to cut the lifeline to excuses and live by the truth that we cannot love anyone any more than we love ourselves.

We can choose to see our human connectedness and how we all go through our fair share of ups and downs, often not so graciously.

You are powerful beyond comprehension, and you can cease playing small and let your light shine by learning how to truly love yourself.

After all, as our dear Dr. Brene Brown has uncovered through her research: “We can only love others as much as we love ourselves.”