Category: The positive perspective

The reality we come to accept as our life is made up of several elements. Some are perceived as good, some bad, and some neutral.

What we don’t realize is that the way we perceive life situations through our five senses actually sculpts our brain which is the ultimate master of our body.
This is a simplified view of a complex process known as neuroplasticity, which is the ability of our brain to re-organize itself— chemically, physically, and structurally— in order for us to change the way our body and ourselves respond to life situations.

The use of imaging techniques in the field of neuroscience has lent us much knowledge on the way our brain behaves in the face of negative and positive experiences. We now know that when we focus on the negative aspects of an experience, our brain engages our resources to confront a threat. For example, a tiger is approaching. This in turn draws all of our metabolic energy from the executive function part of our brain and from our vital functions and processes, and directs that energy to our large muscle groups. Now we can run from the tiger. But this energy shift places us in a temporary state of cognitive and emotional impairment.

On the contrary, when we focus on positive aspects of any experience, we operate from the space of a balanced nervous system, which has been proven to provide many benefits. We feel better, find more creative solutions to problems, experience less cardiovascular diseases, improve our immune function, and reduce anxiety, depression and overall symptoms of stress.

Our brain evolved with a strong negative bias that has kept us alive and ahead of the tigers for millions of years. Now, that negative bias is more harmful than helpful.

What can we do, little by little, to change the neural pathways of our brain, so that we can use it to tap into our most valuable resources and experience life from our best self?

How to effectively respond to a “jerk”!

Once upon a time, I met a very special person. He was so intelligent, loving and kind. He would show up time after time, expressed his fondness and admiration often and much, went out of his way to be supportive in good times and bad, was accountable for his own actions and made promises he would be here for me in this life and the next.

Except, when he experienced negative emotions: The story would suddenly change, as did his behavior!

One of the most destructive relational patterns of behavior involves behaving in an incongruent manner, changing our stance towards another from one moment to the next.

The psychology dictionary, defines incongruence as an inconsistent state of behavior, described as inconsistency between the goals, values, and attitudes projected and the actual behavior observed.

We tend to define someone who behaves in an inconsistent manner as a “jerk”!

Have you considered that anyone who employs unhealthy relational patterns just does not know how to regulate their emotions and simply has been accustomed to blaming (or punishing) others for their very own negative feelings?

A person who contradicts themselves, by their words and actions probably has significant attachment injuries. They most likely have a hard time letting go of the past and do not have experiences that involve the beauty of healthy relational patterns, or know how to soothe themselves in a healthy way when fears show up internally.

If you too have someone in your life that tells you one moment that you are the most important person in their life and then (when they are upset about something) they exclaim that your relationship has no value to them, do not despair!

Although the obvious stance against unhealthy behaviors is to walk away, there are circumstances where you may not have a choice.

Here are the most effective ways I have been able to effectively address another’s inability to relate to me in a healthy way, when they are incongruent with me:

  1. Ask powerful questions

Point out the inconsistency head on. If someone tells you how much they value you and then you find out you were excluded from an important event in their life, simply point out the contradiction and ask them to tell you more about it. Don’t allow your self to get emotionally involved or take the contradiction personally. New insights from neuroscience, reveal that people that were raised by parents that were not attuned to them, (or even worst, were raised by parents with mental illness or substance abuse), have significant issues with nervous system regulation and deficits in parts of their brain that are associated with relational abilities.

Therefore when our fellow human beings bearing attachment injuries feel the sweetness of connection and intimacy, often times without cognitive awareness they will employ “deactivating strategies” to rupture connection.

Asking questions, without being emotionally charged, breaks the spell of a deactivating strategy and may be the only way to awaken someone from a state, that quite frankly although has become automated, causes them a lot of trouble.

  1. Seek first to understand and then to be understood

Power is the ability to do something effectively.

As describe in Stephen Coveys “7 habits of highly effective people”, seeking to understand and be understood is a fail proof strategy, even if you are dealing with someone that has not yet learned how to be effective.

Explaining with love and kindness the tremendous energy drain that any nervous system uses up to reconcile differences in reality, may be a perspective that they have not come across before. Let’s face it, if someone frequently employs contradictory behaviors as a way of relating to others, not many will stay by their side, let alone invest any energy to understand a behavior that hurts. If anything can provide compelling evidence of the power we all have for positive change, this is it!

  1. Role model emotional intelligence.

It’s very easy to simply get mad at someone who makes the most wonderful promises and when we challenge them for not delivering, they say: “I don’t know what you a re talking about”. Speaking emotional language with someone and the impact their actions have on us, can often times trigger feelings of empathy even in people with reported structural deficits in the anterior insula region of their brain. (Brain region involved in healthy development of empathy.)

After all, emotional intelligence is nothing other than making intelligence use of our emotions.

By role modeling emotional intelligence, we have a much better chance of getting through to someone, but even if we don’t succeed, at least we maintain our internal balance and prevent our selves from getting out of our zen!

  1. Set and enforce healthy boundaries.

We can be kind and loving to all life, but first and foremost we have to be kind and loving toward our self!

Brene Brown, Ph.D., best selling author of a number of books on the power of vulnerability, defines betrayal as “choosing not to connect to someone when the opportunity is there”.

We have to face our fears and practice being assertive, speaking clearly of what we are willing to tolerate and what we will not.

We can work with our internal resources to maintain our inner balance in the face of someone who does not have the ability to relate to us in a healthy way. We can even have empathy for their condition and understand that their behavior reveals that they have established intimacy and vulnerability as a threatening situation and that it’s nothing personal.

But at the end of the day, if we employ all the skillful and effective techniques and we are still not able to see accountability from the person that confuses us with contradictions, we may not have many options left.

The healthiest and most effective approach may be to love them and leave them.

What is abuse?

At one time I used to think abuse was a foreign concept that only existed in the lives of my fellow human beings who had limited education and a compromised standard of living. I thought they experienced abuse because they did not know any better.

Little did I know!

Abuse does not discriminate by socio-economic status and appears to be widespread and present not only in the lives of many individuals and families, including the affluent, but even in the business practices of many reputable, organizations.

Abuse includes any type of behavior that targets another human being, with the goal of making them doubt their perceptions and abilities in order to gain power and control over them.

Here are some effective ways within our control to build resilience against abuse:

  1. Learn to recognize abuse when we see it.

One of the biggest problems with abusive behavior is the myriad of ways it camouflages itself, which makes it difficult to recognize.

Beyond overt name-calling, anytime any of us has not cultivated our own personal power and choses to define another in a negative way, we are crossing the line from an effective to a dysfunctional pattern of behavior and communication. Some examples include:

  • When we give someone the “silent treatment” because we are upset with them, thereby defining them as nonexistent.
  • When we withhold fondness and admiration from someone we care about, because we experience discomfort with an aspect of our relationship with them.
  • When we use mishaps of others from the past to coerce them to act a certain way in the present,
  • When we minimize the perspective of another human being or counter their expressed feelings or needs,
  • When we dismiss agreements we made and act as if we do not remember them,
  • When we deny reality in response someone’s efforts to re-connect with us and we deny being aware of any disconnection in the first place: “I don’t know what you are talking about”,
  • When we make a joke about someone that highlights a part of them that is not one of their strengths.

These are all examples of maladaptive behaviors that “abusers” use to gain power over others.

  1. Understand the core issues that lead one to behave abusively.

Although when we are being abused we tend to take it personally, being subjected to abuse is not at all our responsibility. Someone who uses any of the above ways of interacting with another,  has an injured sense of self worth, hence, attempts to make you feel less than who you really are, as a way to feel good about themselves!  We need to understand that as scary as the behavior of an abuser may be and as misunderstood and unimportant as we may feel (as well as afraid of what may happen if we press the issue), an abuser’s behavior comes from a sense of powerlessness. As crazy as it may seem when someone is putting you down If we can cultivate empathy for the obvious ineffectiveness of the abuser to express their feelings and needs in healthy ways, we can actually begin to make a difference in eliminating this destructive pattern of behavior. By not taking it personally and understanding how challenged “the abuser” is psychologically, allows us to stay empowered to use assertive, effective communication, strict boundaries for accountability, and zero tolerance for abusive transactions. Trust me, the “abuser” deep down is miserable for how ineffective their dysfunctional patterns are in their life’s outcomes, they don’t really want this kind of trouble just don’t know how to change it!

  1. Take an active stance against abuse by refusing to respond to it.

We often think that by getting upset and responding with anger toward someone who puts us down, we set them straight. Actually, playing “tit for tat” games with an abuser feeds their injured sense of self.

If and when we do something that offends another and our behavior requires adjustment, we deserve as much good will and respect as we do when we are acting beautifully. When our responses comes from a deep sense of self worth, we do not tolerate unhealthy treatments because we made a mistake. Equally, when we feel worthy and deserving of love and belonging, we don’t engage in somersaults to make someone treat us with respect. We treat ourselves with respect by not getting upset and by setting clear boundaries.

So, the next time anybody “stone-walls” you, you can clearly express that you acknowledge their challenges in expressing their feelings and needs at this time. You can inform them that when they are ready to tell you what they need, you will be happy to hear their perspective. Then simply go about your day and remove yourself from being treated as invisible.

After all, everything is simply a temporary perspective, and your perception of self is the only valid reality.

  1. Reinforce and role-model healthy communication.

We are all beautifully human, and we don’t have the power to read somebody else’s mind, nor can we feel, sense, and experience life’s events through someone else’s lens. We will ruffle another’s feathers at times and they will ruffle ours.

After all, the dictionary definition of relate is to make a connection between differences. The only way we can make a connection between our differences with another human being in a healthy way is by choosing to express our feelings and needs in a loving way—void of criticism, hidden agendas, and contempt.

For example, “When you are late to our meetings without giving me a heads up, I feel frustrated and angry. I need you to please give me a heads up as soon as you know that you will be late so that I may adjust my schedule.”

This is the only way one may consider making adjustments to accommodate our request and trust me, none of us will in response to abuse!

  1. The most important action we can take against abuse is to strengthen our own sense of power.

When we process our own wounds and past hurts, we are not afraid to assertively express our feelings and needs. We can move past anyone who comes across our path who refuses to acknowledge our point of view or to be accountable for their actions.

It is important to focus on feelings of empathy and compassion for someone who is in much pain and using maladaptive behaviors to feel better about themselves. Yet we have to be brutally honest with ourselves, as well, when we allow our pain to get the best of us and we find ourselves guilt-tripping another for our negative emotions.

Healthy development and emotional intelligence allow us to accept and respect others points of view, show goodwill, and be accountable when we occasionally slip. We may at times need to express negative emotions like anger or frustration with another, but we can do so constructively, without defining another in a negative way.

The insidious nature of abuse can seriously interfere with one’s emotional and physical health and corrode the essence of the human soul of an individual, a community, and the world we live in.

The time is now to reverse the trajectory of our physical, emotional, and social health—one breath and one relationship at a time.

And it all starts with you!

Why does love hurt?

Oftentimes, when our love life does not go according to plan, we get mad at the most innocent victim of all—love!

Here is how the story usually goes. Every once in a while, we fall in love in a powerful, all-consuming way that makes us feel on top of the world: We feel invincible, we can perform miracles on barely any sleep, we go to the gym, we look our best, we whistle on the way to work on Mondays. Everything seems possible. Then nature’s love potion that characterizes the infatuation phase of a relationship runs out. Our old state of being returns, often full of negative emotions like doubt, concern, and fear. We feel heartbroken and blame love and the object of our affection for these negative emotions. Then we decide we are never getting in another relationship again. We would rather be alone than weather the storms of love and the hurt that comes with it. Does this sound familiar?

Now, let me introduce a different perspective that may help you to create a more sustainable reality within your control with a better ending: love does not hurt. The pain we feel when we are in love is about the fears that depending on another awaken in us based on our past experiences. If you think back to all of your relationships that ended in heartache, you will likely find a common theme—fear of either being abandoned, run over, engulfed or used.

Love is actually beautifully simple and powerful. It is an agreement between two people to hold each other’s hand in becoming the best version of themselves. One of the most profound ways we do that for one another when we are in a healthy, secure relationship is through calming each other’s nervous system simply by having each other’s back. We have much science that backs up that claim.

Attachment, in and of itself, is the way we address dangers in the environment by seeking comfort and support from those we depend on. But how can we let ourselves be comfortable exposing our vulnerabilities and depending on another if we don’t have past experiences that yielded positive outcomes when we did depend on another? Here are some ideas.

  1. We have to get to the point where we want to do something differently. That means that we have to be honest with ourselves regarding our contributions to why our relationships have not worked. Until we allow our relationship distress to be our catalyst for change, we will just keep allowing our past to design our present and our future.
  2. We have to be willing to be in our power and see things for what they are. Every time we blame “the other” for anything that is not working in our relationship, we give away our power to impact the outcome of a situation. What if we let our partner off the hook and focus instead on what we can control? Sometimes that means we have to own the way we show up and sabotage our relationships.
  3. We have to embrace and respect our nervous system, which drives our behavior on auto-pilot until we decide to bring the unconscious into consciousness. For example, if we refuse to understand and heal an injury that resulted from any type of abuse in our childhood, every time we get close to someone special our nervous system will automatically do things we may not even be aware of. This can include, for example, shutting down the right hemisphere of our brain which controls our relational abilities.
  4. We have to allow ourselves to have love relationships so that we can heal ourselves. If we did not have the best relationships as a child, our brain may not be well developed in regions associated with fabulous inner strengths. However, as an adult, we can still build gray matter and develop these regions of the brain. The Nobel prize-winning concept of neuroplasticity has given us hope and backed up the following quote with science: “whatever we focus on becomes our reality.”
  5. We have to accept that we are hard-wired for connection as scary as it seems to give in to love. Studies show that a secure, functioning relationship is the most concrete path to our best, most confident self.

Every now and then, the one you have been looking for will cross your path. Imperfections aside, they will be there for you no matter what! They will show you their fondness and admiration in many ways: making you chicken soup when you are sick; having a stress relieving conversation with you at the end of the day; celebrating your birthday; holding your hand during a nature walk, and kissing you softly. You will know they are the one when they take to heart any unmet need you express and make necessary adjustments for you to feel safe.

It’s true that when we are alone, we can easily camouflage past pains, unfinished business, and raw spots. But the next time love brings you, someone who is willing to hold a lamp to light your path and be the ultimate mirror to your soul, this is your opportunity to truly get to know yourself, rewrite your story, and allow the master in you to defeat the darkness of your past.

And I can promise you that when you do this, love will never hurt again!