Category: The Problem

What keeps you up at night?

Is it money? Work? Family responsibilities? Relationships? Health?

Have you considered that what keeps us up at night is our thoughts about life situations?

Lying awake at night is simply one of our body’s reactions to the meaning we give to life situations.

But do we see things for what they truly are?

Join me in exploring how to be in charge of your power by choosing the way you look at what we have come to define as the major challenges of our existence.

Loneliness kills!

At a time when despite medical advances, we struggle to reach and maintain optimal health, could there be elements we overlook that would positively impact the trajectory for our health and quality of life?

The ancient Greeks said it best: “Balance is excellence”! However, as important as it is to have a diet rich in fruit and vegetables, with regular daily activity, (while minimizing obvious toxic substances), I think we seem to overlook a really important factor towards our health and wellbeing: Our social connections!

In fact, several decades of scientific data clearly reflect, that we could be killing our self at the gym every day, starving our self to loose those extra pounds and yet social isolation and insufficient social relationships, could be one of the most inconspicuous risk factors for our health and longevity!

Social relationships represent an incredible opportunity to enhance not only the quality of our life but also our survival!

THE PROBLEM

Despite increases in technology, that allow us to connect even with our high school friends we have not seen for decades at the click of a button, (that would presumably foster social connections), we are becoming increasingly isolated. We are experiencing a tremendous amount of loneliness and our level of social connection is extremely low. Research uncovered that 25% of Americans don’t have someone they feel comfortable opening up to about their woes. In fact, over the last two decades, there has been a three fold decrease in the number of Americans who report having a confidant. The lower our social connections are, the more prone we are to inflammation, anxiety, and depression, while people with high social connections, are shown to recover faster from disease and live longer.

THE EVIDENCE

In the late 80’s a review of 5 large prospective studies, concluded that social relationships predict mortality. As provocative as this hypothesis was at the time, it generated a tremendous amount of research on the impact of social relationships to health outcomes and mortality. (HouseJS, Landis KR, Umberson D (1988) Social relationships and health. Science 241: 540-545.)

The plethora of research that followed and a myriad of publications, clearly substantiated that social support is linked to improved immune function and inflammatory response mediation processes.

In 2010, a meta-analysis of 148 studies, involving 308,849 individuals followed for an average of 7.5 years, (Holt-Lunstad J, Smith T., Layton B., (2010), Social relationships and Mortality, PLoS Medicine, volume 7, issue 7, e1000316), provided empirical evidence nearly 30 times of what was reported by previous studies, to support the criteria for insufficient social relationships as a risk factor of mortality.

The data from this 2010 meta analysis is strong enough to suggest that social isolation needs to be added to the list of well documented risk factors, since the mortality risk of social isolation, has been shown to be comparable to smoking, drinking 6 alcoholic drinks per day, not exercising and twice as harmful as obesity!

The next steps in the research of these profound findings, is to further understand the mechanism of action and protective factors of social relationships. Current research, illuminates several different biological pathways, that can justify how social relationships influence disease end points and greatly impact health outcomes, for example in depression and stress mediation. One of the ways strong social relationships impact health is through a strong ability to buffer effects of stress. Social support appears to sustain the organism by promoting adopting behavior or neuroendocrine responses in the face of stress. In other words, despite the stressors one may face on a day to day basis, strong social relationships, have been proven to be a significant shield against the way our body responds to external stressors, neutralizing their impact and minimizing the symptoms of stress we experience.

Considering stress is the epidemic of the century and has now been proven to be linked to 90% of today’s disease, we could greatly benefit from improving our health through nurturing healthy attachments to other people.

THE SOLUTION

We now know that the quantity and quality of our social relationships is a significant predictor of psychological and physical health. This knowledge should be used to develop interventions and policies that can greatly improve public health and clinical practice. The question is what can we do at the individual level to improve our social connections?

Here are my top 5 ways we can take advantage of the science on our day to day life and enhance our health and happiness through the art of human connection:

1. Elevate human connection on your priority list.

Most of us, struggle to manage the little time we have against the overwhelming list of things we have to do every day. However, we can choose to replace solitary activities with ones that foster community. Is there an interest you have that involves collaboration with like minded souls? You could sign up to take a dance class, volunteer at a local non profit organization for a cause you are passionate about, or join a hiking group. The camaraderie that develops amongst people that have a common bond can lead to significant relationships that are based on healthy relational patterns.

2. Nurture the relationships you already have.

In this information overload modern life we live in, we sometimes take for granted what we already have. If we are lucky to have people in our life that love and support us, nurture those relationships! The research of John Gottman, Ph.D., has shown that doing the small things often is all it takes to build healthy long lasting relationships that can withstand the storms of life. Every day, take a few moments to recount what it is that you love about the important people in your life and express your fondness and admiration often. Whatever we put our attention to grows! Don’t let your demanding schedule dilute your focus on what seems to be the most important component to your health and wellbeing.

3. Nurture your own ability for empathy. Empathy is the ability to feel what another person is feeling. Although we are built to feel other people empathically, our fear based society has conditioned our mind to look for differences between us and others. We are all different and we can easily release our negative emotions by identifying and focusing on our differences with others. What if we switch our attention to having empathy for the woman that cut us off on the freeway? Chances are, she too had to get lunches ready and kids dropped off to school before she could catch her early morning flight. How does it help us to get mad at her? We have been conditioned to get frustrated with others as a way to discharge the stress we feel within. But we need to remember that our nervous system, is built much like a sounding board, not only reflecting and impacting the people around us, but also constantly changing depending on where we direct our energy and attention. When we see someone else in pain, our brain regions associated with pain get activated…we feel their pain. Equally, when you see someone smiling, the facial muscles in our face get activated… We can start being the change we want to see and increase the grey matter in the regions of our brain associated with empathy by simply having empathic experiences. I promise you, the results will be amazing!

4. Brave vulnerability!

We are often too scared to show our true colors and we prefer to play it safe by presenting the “facade of the invincible” to the outside world! We stay locked up in our “kingdoms of isolation”, never letting anyone see our true beauty. We seldom express any needs and even if our heart is aching, we say we are doing great! We don’t want to come across too “needy”, so we tippy-toe around issues and would rather put our energy into building an impression of perfection. Although undoubtedly, one has to earn the right to hear our story, there is so much power in being courageous enough to show our authentic self with no fear of being judged or not accepted. It seems that the great effort we make to fit in, is the exact obstacle to true connection. But most importantly, not being willing to be ourselves, reflects a lack of self acceptance.

The absolutely brilliant researcher Brene Brown Ph.D., whose outstanding research has uncovered that perfectionism is nothing other than a hidden fear of “not being good enough” said it best: “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

5. Savor human connection.

We make the mistake of expecting to find people who totally get us, with whom minimal effort is needed to enjoy connectedness. We therefore pull away when we identify the slightest difference between us and another, hoping that “some day” we will meet “the one” in love but also in friendships. In actual fact, “to relate” by the dictionary definition, means “to make a connection between two different things”. Even when someone behaves in a way that ruffles our feathers, it does not serve us to take it personally. Every single one of us, will behave according to our degree of evolution at that moment in time. He who breaks your heart dreams of having robust healthy relationships too, they just don’t know how yet!

However, the way we translate human interactions, promotes the development of neural connections in different parts of our brain. Our automatic, conditioned way of thinking establishes differences as threats and reinforces the development of brain regions that are associated with negative traits, (like hypervigilance) and ultimately this creates imbalances in our nervous system.

It is up to us, to direct our thoughts, state and actions to aid the development of brain regions that are associated with inner strengths instead. Once we recognize this truth, we will no longer feel threatened by the differences we may have with another and we can cherish others love and their different perspectives, as a way to enhance our human experience.

We live at an incredible time, with robust research outcomes that literally can hold our hand through living out a healthy and long life. We know one by one all the risk factors that can interfere with our optimal health and scientists have uncovered the exact mechanism of action that relate risk factors, to the path that leads us to the big killers of our time, cardiovascular disease and cancer. The truth is we cannot control many things in life that hi-jack our nervous system and deprive us of our valuable resources.

But if we really want to receive the biggest return on the investment of our time and effort, that is 100% within our control, the simple act of love and kindness towards our fellow human beings, may very well be the biggest opportunity to enhance our health and happiness!

What is abuse?

At one time I used to think abuse was a foreign concept that only existed in the lives of my fellow human beings who had limited education and a compromised standard of living. I thought they experienced abuse because they did not know any better.

Little did I know!

Abuse does not discriminate by socio-economic status and appears to be widespread and present not only in the lives of many individuals and families, including the affluent, but even in the business practices of many reputable, organizations.

Abuse includes any type of behavior that targets another human being, with the goal of making them doubt their perceptions and abilities in order to gain power and control over them.

Here are some effective ways within our control to build resilience against abuse:

  1. Learn to recognize abuse when we see it.

One of the biggest problems with abusive behavior is the myriad of ways it camouflages itself, which makes it difficult to recognize.

Beyond overt name-calling, anytime any of us has not cultivated our own personal power and choses to define another in a negative way, we are crossing the line from an effective to a dysfunctional pattern of behavior and communication. Some examples include:

  • When we give someone the “silent treatment” because we are upset with them, thereby defining them as nonexistent.
  • When we withhold fondness and admiration from someone we care about, because we experience discomfort with an aspect of our relationship with them.
  • When we use mishaps of others from the past to coerce them to act a certain way in the present,
  • When we minimize the perspective of another human being or counter their expressed feelings or needs,
  • When we dismiss agreements we made and act as if we do not remember them,
  • When we deny reality in response someone’s efforts to re-connect with us and we deny being aware of any disconnection in the first place: “I don’t know what you are talking about”,
  • When we make a joke about someone that highlights a part of them that is not one of their strengths.

These are all examples of maladaptive behaviors that “abusers” use to gain power over others.

  1. Understand the core issues that lead one to behave abusively.

Although when we are being abused we tend to take it personally, being subjected to abuse is not at all our responsibility. Someone who uses any of the above ways of interacting with another,  has an injured sense of self worth, hence, attempts to make you feel less than who you really are, as a way to feel good about themselves!  We need to understand that as scary as the behavior of an abuser may be and as misunderstood and unimportant as we may feel (as well as afraid of what may happen if we press the issue), an abuser’s behavior comes from a sense of powerlessness. As crazy as it may seem when someone is putting you down If we can cultivate empathy for the obvious ineffectiveness of the abuser to express their feelings and needs in healthy ways, we can actually begin to make a difference in eliminating this destructive pattern of behavior. By not taking it personally and understanding how challenged “the abuser” is psychologically, allows us to stay empowered to use assertive, effective communication, strict boundaries for accountability, and zero tolerance for abusive transactions. Trust me, the “abuser” deep down is miserable for how ineffective their dysfunctional patterns are in their life’s outcomes, they don’t really want this kind of trouble just don’t know how to change it!

  1. Take an active stance against abuse by refusing to respond to it.

We often think that by getting upset and responding with anger toward someone who puts us down, we set them straight. Actually, playing “tit for tat” games with an abuser feeds their injured sense of self.

If and when we do something that offends another and our behavior requires adjustment, we deserve as much good will and respect as we do when we are acting beautifully. When our responses comes from a deep sense of self worth, we do not tolerate unhealthy treatments because we made a mistake. Equally, when we feel worthy and deserving of love and belonging, we don’t engage in somersaults to make someone treat us with respect. We treat ourselves with respect by not getting upset and by setting clear boundaries.

So, the next time anybody “stone-walls” you, you can clearly express that you acknowledge their challenges in expressing their feelings and needs at this time. You can inform them that when they are ready to tell you what they need, you will be happy to hear their perspective. Then simply go about your day and remove yourself from being treated as invisible.

After all, everything is simply a temporary perspective, and your perception of self is the only valid reality.

  1. Reinforce and role-model healthy communication.

We are all beautifully human, and we don’t have the power to read somebody else’s mind, nor can we feel, sense, and experience life’s events through someone else’s lens. We will ruffle another’s feathers at times and they will ruffle ours.

After all, the dictionary definition of relate is to make a connection between differences. The only way we can make a connection between our differences with another human being in a healthy way is by choosing to express our feelings and needs in a loving way—void of criticism, hidden agendas, and contempt.

For example, “When you are late to our meetings without giving me a heads up, I feel frustrated and angry. I need you to please give me a heads up as soon as you know that you will be late so that I may adjust my schedule.”

This is the only way one may consider making adjustments to accommodate our request and trust me, none of us will in response to abuse!

  1. The most important action we can take against abuse is to strengthen our own sense of power.

When we process our own wounds and past hurts, we are not afraid to assertively express our feelings and needs. We can move past anyone who comes across our path who refuses to acknowledge our point of view or to be accountable for their actions.

It is important to focus on feelings of empathy and compassion for someone who is in much pain and using maladaptive behaviors to feel better about themselves. Yet we have to be brutally honest with ourselves, as well, when we allow our pain to get the best of us and we find ourselves guilt-tripping another for our negative emotions.

Healthy development and emotional intelligence allow us to accept and respect others points of view, show goodwill, and be accountable when we occasionally slip. We may at times need to express negative emotions like anger or frustration with another, but we can do so constructively, without defining another in a negative way.

The insidious nature of abuse can seriously interfere with one’s emotional and physical health and corrode the essence of the human soul of an individual, a community, and the world we live in.

The time is now to reverse the trajectory of our physical, emotional, and social health—one breath and one relationship at a time.

And it all starts with you!

Why does love hurt?

Oftentimes, when our love life does not go according to plan, we get mad at the most innocent victim of all—love!

Here is how the story usually goes. Every once in a while, we fall in love in a powerful, all-consuming way that makes us feel on top of the world: We feel invincible, we can perform miracles on barely any sleep, we go to the gym, we look our best, we whistle on the way to work on Mondays. Everything seems possible. Then nature’s love potion that characterizes the infatuation phase of a relationship runs out. Our old state of being returns, often full of negative emotions like doubt, concern, and fear. We feel heartbroken and blame love and the object of our affection for these negative emotions. Then we decide we are never getting in another relationship again. We would rather be alone than weather the storms of love and the hurt that comes with it. Does this sound familiar?

Now, let me introduce a different perspective that may help you to create a more sustainable reality within your control with a better ending: love does not hurt. The pain we feel when we are in love is about the fears that depending on another awaken in us based on our past experiences. If you think back to all of your relationships that ended in heartache, you will likely find a common theme—fear of either being abandoned, run over, engulfed or used.

Love is actually beautifully simple and powerful. It is an agreement between two people to hold each other’s hand in becoming the best version of themselves. One of the most profound ways we do that for one another when we are in a healthy, secure relationship is through calming each other’s nervous system simply by having each other’s back. We have much science that backs up that claim.

Attachment, in and of itself, is the way we address dangers in the environment by seeking comfort and support from those we depend on. But how can we let ourselves be comfortable exposing our vulnerabilities and depending on another if we don’t have past experiences that yielded positive outcomes when we did depend on another? Here are some ideas.

  1. We have to get to the point where we want to do something differently. That means that we have to be honest with ourselves regarding our contributions to why our relationships have not worked. Until we allow our relationship distress to be our catalyst for change, we will just keep allowing our past to design our present and our future.
  2. We have to be willing to be in our power and see things for what they are. Every time we blame “the other” for anything that is not working in our relationship, we give away our power to impact the outcome of a situation. What if we let our partner off the hook and focus instead on what we can control? Sometimes that means we have to own the way we show up and sabotage our relationships.
  3. We have to embrace and respect our nervous system, which drives our behavior on auto-pilot until we decide to bring the unconscious into consciousness. For example, if we refuse to understand and heal an injury that resulted from any type of abuse in our childhood, every time we get close to someone special our nervous system will automatically do things we may not even be aware of. This can include, for example, shutting down the right hemisphere of our brain which controls our relational abilities.
  4. We have to allow ourselves to have love relationships so that we can heal ourselves. If we did not have the best relationships as a child, our brain may not be well developed in regions associated with fabulous inner strengths. However, as an adult, we can still build gray matter and develop these regions of the brain. The Nobel prize-winning concept of neuroplasticity has given us hope and backed up the following quote with science: “whatever we focus on becomes our reality.”
  5. We have to accept that we are hard-wired for connection as scary as it seems to give in to love. Studies show that a secure, functioning relationship is the most concrete path to our best, most confident self.

Every now and then, the one you have been looking for will cross your path. Imperfections aside, they will be there for you no matter what! They will show you their fondness and admiration in many ways: making you chicken soup when you are sick; having a stress relieving conversation with you at the end of the day; celebrating your birthday; holding your hand during a nature walk, and kissing you softly. You will know they are the one when they take to heart any unmet need you express and make necessary adjustments for you to feel safe.

It’s true that when we are alone, we can easily camouflage past pains, unfinished business, and raw spots. But the next time love brings you, someone who is willing to hold a lamp to light your path and be the ultimate mirror to your soul, this is your opportunity to truly get to know yourself, rewrite your story, and allow the master in you to defeat the darkness of your past.

And I can promise you that when you do this, love will never hurt again!