Category: Nurture your mind

Each and every one of us is designed with a remarkable capacity for greatness.
And every moment of everyday we perceive the world through our five senses, often infiltrating our core with unconscious imprints.

The media have long been using our energy to direct our attention to messages that shape our perceptions and behavior unconsciously.
When we enter the hamster wheel path of society’s norms, we frequently sleepwalk through life, forgetting universal truths.

Nurturing our mind is the conscious choice of investing time everyday to bring to consciousness the brilliance of our species that far outweighs our limitations.

In our information overload era, we have access to knowledge and wisdom as we never had before. At a click of a button, we can access informative scientific papers, books, Ted Talks, and podcasts. Yet, the average American watches over four hours of often mind-numbing TV per day.

I challenge you to nurture your mind by directing your energy to places that expand your possibilities and enhance your understanding of your limitless potential.

Self Care for a healthier, happier and more productive reality.

I am celebrating my birthday this week, one of my favorite days of the year to give myself some much-needed self-love and care. I know I ought to be giving myself “birthday love and care” every single day of the year, but out of the 365 days per year, most days there seems to be something else that takes precedence over taking care of myself.

The truth is that optimal performance; peak productivity, happiness, and health are not possible without scrupulous self-care. Our species has achieved some amazing accomplishments throughout our history: We have uncovered the human genome; walked on the moon; and created masterpieces of art, like the Sistine Chapel. But we continue to fall short at practicing self-care, which is a major obstacle to realizing self-mastery.

Why is taking care of ourselves so hard for us to put into practice?

Here is a small collection of guidelines about self-care—possibly the most critical component to realizing all noble human pursuits:

  1. If and when the cabin pressure drops, you have to put on your mask first before you can help anyone else that may need your assistance!

Isn’t it time we got over the conditioned way of thinking that we are selfish if we take care of ourselves before we take care of the ones we love? If we have people we love in our lives, we need to remember that we cannot be there for anyone in our lives if we become ill.

  1. Re-think your “number goals,” and change them to ones that truly matter.

We often sacrifice self-care for the goal most of us make number one on our numbered lists of goals: money! But which of these number-related goals might be more important than money: Thirty minutes a day of physical activity? Five servings of fruit and veggies everyday? Twenty-five grams of fiber per day (if you are a woman) or thirty-five grams (if you are a man)? What unique, beautiful, body number goals should you be considering? Do you need to have a blood pressure goal, or an HbA1C goal if you are a diabetic? Re-think your number goals.

  1. When it comes to your physical health, strive for balance versus perfection.

If you don’t get your thirty minutes of exercise today, can you add an extra ten minutes per day over the next three days? Events happen that take us off-balance. Becoming good at reinstating our balance when it’s lost is one of the most important and impactful things we can do to take good care of ourselves. After all, we cannot eliminate the myriad of life situations that will often challenge us and in significant ways. However, becoming better at how we land back on our feet after each setback and regain our balance is key to arriving at desired outcomes.

  1. Nurture your mind everyday.

Self-care goes above and beyond the American Medical Association’s recommendations regarding our physical health. Challenging yourself to find one way to nurture your mind everyday will increase the grey matter in the parts of your brain associated with inner strengths like resilience.

It only takes a few minutes to listen to a TED Talk or a short, guided meditation, or to read a few pages of a powerful book. But the benefits of re-sculpting your brain toward a happier you last forever!

  1. Self-talk matters.

How do you talk to yourself? Often, we are our self’s worst critic. We camouflage self-criticism under the label “high standards.” A helpful antidote is to picture yourself as your BFF (your best friend forever). How would you talk to them? If your self-talk does not pass the “BFF test,” it’s time to revamp the elements of your internal dialogue. Reframing is a fabulous way to calm our nervous system and bring us back home. For example, if we try something and fail, we can look at it from this perspective: “We are a fabulous person simply having an experience of failure.” Although it may seem like semantics, the act of reframing a negative to a positive is enough to allow us to support our nervous system to work with us towards our health and not exhaust it by employing it for our defense from imaginary threats.

 

  1. Give yourself the gift of connection and human touch everyday.

Regardless of how many ups and downs each day may bring, make the time to hold your loved ones up close and personal. When we hold or touch a person we love, the hormone oxytocin floods our blood stream. Oxytocin is a potent modulator of critical nervous system functions involved with anxiety, depression, and pain perception. If you feel that life becomes a little too much at times, don’t forget oxytocin—the most natural and potent anti-depressant, which is free and has no side effects. All you have to do is reach out and touch the ones you love!

  1. Take an active stance against negative thoughts, words, and people.

We don’t often consider the negative consequences of the vibrational frequency of any type of negativity. But if you think of a time in your life when you nurtured a plant, you know how toxic it would have been if you had chosen to water your plant with an acidic fluid, like bleach or vinegar. We, too, are delicate flowers easily taken off our optimal levels by any threat that sounds our alarm! There is nothing more alarming than negative thoughts, words, and people.

Each and every one of us has a very special purpose, regardless of our background, history, or humble beginnings.

We often believe that the economy, unique life situations, or circumstances outside of our control are responsible for us not living the life we want and deserve.

The truth is that we have everything we need to arrive at all our desired outcomes.

All we have to do now is focus on effectively closing the gap between the optimal results we expect and the quality of care we provide ourselves.

As it turns out, the love we put into anything important at work or at home will determine our results.

But the one thing we need to always remember is that we cannot love anyone anymore than we love ourselves.

The time to start loving yourself more is now!

The Most Profound Way to Make Friends and Influence People

We invest much energy and time in trying to become a popular person. We beat ourselves up at the gym to have a nicer body; we starve ourselves to lose weight; we go under the knife to change physical attributes; and we go into debt to buy designer clothes and other material trophies. And what is the outcome of all of these efforts? We are more isolated and lonely than ever.

Do you want to know a secret? The key to being the most likeable person at work or at home is to be the person who is best at establishing safety with others!

 Why is safety the only quality that truly matters?

Our nervous system is built like a sounding board. Much like a mirror, our neurobiology perceives and reflects the internal state of the people around us. Research shows that when we see someone else in pain, the regions of our brain associated with pain get activated. We don’t have to be neuroscientists to witness our mirror neurons at work. Just notice how we tear up while watching a sad movie, although the sad story is not actually happening to us. Emotions are indeed very contagious.

When two people are interacting and one person’s internal state is not calm and balanced, it will activate threat-related neurons and the stress response in the other.

In fact, our nervous system appears to play a very important role in how we feel and behave without us even realizing it. Steven Porges, who developed the polyvagal theory, specifically uncovered compelling data on the role our autonomic nervous system plays in the regulation of affective states and social behavior. Most of our physiological responses occur without our awareness, due to neuroception—a sub-conscious process of threat and danger detection.

When we define others in a negative way, are critical and or contemptuous towards them, their stress response gets activated. The stress response shuts down the brilliant, thinking part of our brain and slows down critical functions, like our immune system. Needless to say, being under the emotionally hi-jacked state of our stress response does not feel good.

We will have a very hard time making friends and influencing people if we elicit the stress response in others when we interact with them.

Three million years have passed since the Stone Age, and we now seem to reside in the threatened brain era, where it is estimated that we activate our fight or flight response over ten times per day. Six hundred million years of evolution have yielded us a brain that has the propensity to assume the worst. What can we do practically to intercept our built-in negative bias and master the art of building safety with the people that matter in our world? Here are some ideas:

  1. Say what you will do and do what you say.

This is one of the best-kept secrets describing the quickest and most effective way to build trust with anyone. It appears to be challenging in the midst of it all to prioritize and remember all the things we said we would do for all the people in our lives. But if you wish to be more popular at work or at home, being the person others can truly depend on is gold. Knowing our own limits and not over-promising and over-extending ourselves is critical too. It is much better to say “no,” than to say we will do something and not do it. Being a man or a woman of our word is a potent ingredient in being liked and having influence over others and, may I say, it is extremely rare.

  1. Replace judgment and resistance with compassion. 

When another behaves in a way that rubs us the wrong way, we take it personally. At that point our threat-related neural activity increases and the right hemisphere part of our brain, which governs our relational ability, shuts down. It is then easy to slip and slide into becoming judgmental, defensive, and resistant to connection. What if instead we choose to focus on feeling compassion for the other person’s temporary inability to relate to us in a healthy way and take the high road in reinstating the sense of safety between us? Research from Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism has uncovered that nothing releases bursts of dopamine (our “feel good” neurotransmitter) in our brain as much as compassion does. If you become associated with dopamine release in another, you can actually become addictive in a good, positive way!

  1. Practice having power over your mind.

When something in another triggers negative emotions in you, redirect your attention to identifying at least three positive things about them. Although not visible on the exterior, emotions are perceived under the surface through contagion neurons. And if you have any concerns that thinking positive thoughts about someone who is upsetting you is letting them off the hook, think again. Redirecting our attention from a threatened brain state to a calmer state will allow us to have the clarity of thought to handle this, and any other, situation effectively. In addition, this practice is critical to the mastery of self-control, a rare skill that everyone admires and is attracted to.

  1. When emotions run high, use “I language.”

Communication between two people is nature and science at work. Since it is natural for two people to have differences, we must exercise caution when expressing any discomfort we feel and not put our fellow human beings down. When we do, safety is immediately removed, and the person across from us is no longer interested in resolving our differences. They are now busy defending themselves.

When views, perceptions, and understandings are shared with “I language,” they do not trigger defenses. We feel honored and special when someone shares their feelings as opposed to defining us in a negative way. Think of your last, heated discussion with another. How would that conversation have ended if you had expressed your feelings and needs instead of blaming the other person for how things turned out?

  1. Invest wholeheartedly in your healing!

We don’t typically like to admit it, but we are complicated, powerful systems that come with no directions, driven most of the time on autopilot from procedural memory. As much as we prefer to be known as easy-going, we all have varying degrees of wounds, past pains, and baggage we carry along with us, which frequently get triggered when we least expect it.

We are hot beds of emotions driven by our never-ending efforts to get further away from pain and closer to pleasure. Nothing is more powerful than being the admired person and role model we strive to be. We do this best by processing, unpacking, and making coherent stories of our past experiences that otherwise hold our spirits hostage and disrupt and sabotage every effort and good deed we make toward connection and belonging.

As it turns out, it is not the perfect exterior but a well-regulated interior that appears to be the most attractive attribute we can bring to our personal or professional life.

Although we can continue to play the part, use the right words, wear the right clothes, and do things the way others like us to, we know that maintaining a status quo façade is an ineffective way to create authentic connection and trust with the people in our microcosm.

If we want to make a difference and be part of a small revolution, nothing can set us apart from the crowd like being people who are predictable, accountable, reliable, and who say what they mean and do what they say.

You can be the person others know they can depend on, no matter what. You can be the one they always feel calm and safe around.

And I promise you, a person like that is definitely the one everyone wants to be around and everyone wants to follow.

Performance excellence and Flow

performance excellence

Performance excellence is a universal human pursuit. No matter where we come from or what our IQ is, we all strive to be our best. But not all of us arrive at self-mastery.

I have been a performer in the top 5% for the majority of my adult life. However, my performance plummeted in all areas of my life when I fell into the depths of burnout and frazzle and lost access to my best self.

But what are the two degrees of separation between our ability to perform a task beautifully with a deep sense of joy as opposed to expending all of our energy without arriving at a successful outcome?

Flow is the term that describes the state in which we can perform and feel our absolute best.

The term was coined by Hungarian psychologist, Mihaly Csikszentmihályi, who in the early 1970’s began the quest of unpacking the characteristics of the state that allows us to perform at the utmost of our ability. Dr. Csikszentmihályi’s work launched a massive, global effort to understand how we can access the super powers that have allowed fellow humans to accomplish the impossible. More recently, neuroimaging techniques have lent us incredible insights regarding the state of flow, such as knowledge of the specific alterations in brain function that occur with this desirable performance state of being.

What is flow?

Flow is a positive state in which we are able to perform a task at hand at optimal levels while also feeling a deep sense of happiness and joy. It has been described as “the sweet spot” or being “in the zone” where we are completely enamored and engrossed in the task at hand and experience an extreme sense of heightened awareness, so much so, that we often lose track of time.

When we find ourselves in flow, we are highly-focused, exceptionally creative, and feel a deep sense of fulfillment and satisfaction.

Research, which includes the use of fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging), has revealed that the part of our brain—the dorsolateral pre-frontal cortex—associated with the voice of doubt within us shuts down when we are in flow. That means that we are free to make decisions and access our creativity and innovation without having to waste any energy quieting the inner critic within us. We also know that the state of flow is associated with several pleasure-inducing neurochemicals, such as dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin.

The benefits of flow.

Being in the state of flow appears to have an incredible impact. We can:

  • Learn twice as fast.
  • Solve problems more effectively.
  • Access solutions that we don’t have access to under normal circumstances.

In fact, research has shown that top executives are 500% more productive when in flow.

As we go through the mundane details of our daily existence, we may not often consider our ability to perform in a  similar fashion to iconic athletes like Magic Johnson,  But in actual fact, we are physiologically just as capable of doing what Roger Bannister did in 1954 when he broke the “four-minute-barrier”—running a mile in just under four minutes. Until Roger defeated that barrier, running a mile in under four minutes was not considered humanly possible.

Functioning at this exceptional level of competency and ability means we can not only accomplish whatever we set our minds to, but also that we can have more time for things that matter in life, like our family.

Tips on cultivating flow states

So, if all of us are capable of entering a state that has allowed some of us to conquer the 29,035-foot summit of Mount Everest, how do we enter this state of flow? A large number of scientists around the world have developed lists of the essential components of flow and suggestions on shortcuts that we can practice to become better at entering the state of flow. These methods can be personal, environmental, and/or social.

But here are some simple every day ways you and I can take advantage of the state of human performance excellence known as flow, backed up by scientific research and my own humble experience.

  1. Practice mindfulness.

Mindfulness is the conscious decision of choosing what we focus on. Whether we are Michelangelo chiseling the masterpiece David out of marble, or we are a teacher giving a long division lesson to fourth graders, mastering the art of quieting thoughts that distract and dilute our attention is a very effective way of increasing our ability to experience conscious, focused attention. The more often and the more consistently we practice quieting our thoughts, one minute at a time, the more competent we become at being able to access the present moment instantly.

  1. Practice setting clear goals and priorities for both the smallest and largest pursuits of your existence.

Get into the habit of creating intention for everything in your life—your day, your work, your role as a parent. If we don’t have a specific destination for any part of our lives, we will get nowhere specific. A razor-blade-focus on our goals is critical in activating the parts of our brain that are involved with excellence and peak performance.

  1. Practice consistently aligning your skills to your endeavors in all work and life tasks.

If you ask me to play the guitar solo from Jimi Hendrix’s classic song, Voodoo Child, I will absolutely fail miserably. I don’t have much skill in playing the guitar. If we want to have more moments of peak performance in our life, it is important that we do not allow a desire for external approval to dissuade us and take us off course from our true path. For example, we may want to please our parents by following their chosen career path of practicing law, but if we happen to be Michelangelo, our incredible artistry would be wasted in law school, and we would be miserable!

We need to be really honest with ourselves and brave enough to take an active role in recognizing what jobs match our current skills and what skills we need to become better at. Flow can only be achieved when our skills are fully developed and utilized, so that we can continuously and effectively overcome challenges associated with a job or endeavor.

  1. Commit to actively practicing positive states of mental activity.

Our built-in negative bias is an essential part of life and what has kept us alive for millions of years. However, it is this same conditioned way of negative thinking that short circuits our metabolic energy and shuts down the parts of our brain where creativity and innovation come from. We often don’t know how to bypass our negative bias, or we are too busy to do so. Starting each day with just five minutes of listing what you are grateful for in a notebook or journal can do wonders for allowing you to shift into a positive state, which is a potent precursor for instilling an internal path to the magical space of flow.

  1. Do what you love and love what you do.

In this fast-paced, competitive era that we live in, we forget the importance of doing what we are truly passionate about. Choosing to align our best skills with something that truly excites us and that also makes a positive contribution to the world we live in is a great way to get closer to what Dr. Csikszentmihályi described as the “optimal experience” in life: when our abilities are matched with what we love, what we are best at, and what makes a difference in the world.

Although we tend to look for happiness in checking off endless lists of status quo expectations, it appears that not much can top the immense joy we experience when we can access the powerful, intrinsic state of flow in ourselves – When we do what we use our best skills doing what we are most passionate about, while making a positive contribution to the world, while we are at it!

Unlike the adrenaline rush of winning an award, or getting any external approval, the state of flow represents our ultimate ability to be in control regulate our internal state and channel it toward realizing our smaller and larger noble pursuits.

We cannot underestimate the happiness that comes from human touch, teamwork, or any other source of happiness dependent on external sources.

But the happiness that results from our own flow is the only one that is sustainable, 100% within our control, and invaluable in reinforcing the intrinsic muscle of self-worth that forms the building blocks to our own self-actualization.