Category: Self worth

What is self- worth?
The dictionary defines self-worth as “the sense of one’s own value or worth as a person.”

Self-worth is the most critical component of our ability to truly believe in ourselves and live our life aligned with our best qualities. Without a healthy sense of self- worth, doubts and fears can overwhelm our true potential, greatly impacting the quality of our life experience, as well as sabotaging our life’s dreams, vision and purpose.

Although some of us may not be consciously aware that what is keeping us up at night is a sense of self-worth that needs improvement, I am here to tell you that if you and I can focus on one issue with the highest return on your investment, it is self-worth.

The story of how we develop or do not develop self- worth can be a long and painful one.

Join me as I make every effort to organize where your story of self-worth begins, and how we can make the ending the happiest one possible!

The One Love Affair that Can Reduce Stress

#SelfLove
Photo by http://yuliyajul.com

When the glaring reality of stress shows up in your life in the form of anxiety, exhaustion, or irritability, I bet love is the last thing on your mind.

However, considering that our relationship with stress defines every other relationship in our life, I want to tell you a little secret about a special stress-reducing kind of love: The love you have for yourself.

In this article, I want to share with you why cultivating self-love is a gateway to effective stress-reduction as well as the ultimate path to the gifts of optimal health, performance, and happiness.

Why is self-love so critical?

If you are skeptical about the stress-reducing properties of cultivating self-love, let me share with you some data from scientific literature.  

The most vulnerable populations for compassion fatigue and burnout are:

  • Highly-dedicated individuals –the best and the brightest (Killian, 2008; Meyers & Fine, 2003),
  • Drivers and high-achievers (Shanafalt et.al., 2012),
  • Individuals with high expectations of self (Figley, 2012).

Although on first glance you may think that the above individuals’ dedication indicates a great degree of love for one’s self, I invite you to reconsider. Could their dedication be driven more by perfectionism than by self-love? An endless striving for perfection harbors a great degree of self-judgment and a loud inner critic, rather that self-love. Which would explain the high vulnerability of these individuals to compassion fatigue and burnout.

In fact, Dr. Brene Brown’s robust research on vulnerability has uncovered that perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval. Most of us who have a hard time saying no, who push ourselves to the limit and sacrifice self-care and work-life balance for success, know all too well the cost of perfectionism. It is linked to depression, anxiety, addictions, eating disorders, digestive issues, and so much more. 

When I found myself falling from my top performer pedestal to the tight grip of burnout and illness, I had an invaluable epiphany: The endless chase of perfectionism and the adverse effects of stress may have meant that I had forgotten to love and honor one important person—myself.

How do you know when you don’t love yourself enough?

Until we love ourselves whole-heartedly, we are stuck in this never-ending chase for love, approval, and security from external sources.

I call this state the “bottomless pit.” You know you are in that state when nothing ever seems good enough and you are your own worst critic. Regardless of how much you accomplish, you are never fully satisfied. Perhaps this is because of the way accomplishments were rewarded in your early life. You may have established an identity that is derived from your achievements if you got “love” from others for your performance. You then forget all about your well-being or what makes your heart sing. You begin living your life to meet other people’s expectations, judgments, and perceptions of you.

How stress shows up when we don’t love ourselves enough

Stress is a state characterized by all the changes our body makes to meet the demands from our environment. However, although it is considered to be the epidemic of the century, stress is essentially what summons our resources to rise to the occasion as needed in different aspects of life.
In fact, up to a certain level, stress is defined as eustress (good stress) and it is what gives us the superpowers to ace a presentation, pass an exam, get through a family Thanksgiving dinner, or solve a complicated problem.

There is nothing wrong with being committed to performance excellence, but there is a big problem when our efforts are driven by the fear of not measuring up to others’ expectations. When we push ourselves to the limit to get approval, safety, and security from others, we are running away from this fear instead of going after something we value.

Giving control of how much is enough to others will push us past the good level of stress into the bad level of stress, called distress. 

It is well documented in scientific literature that operating too long at the level of distress, compromises every aspect of ourselves. Our body systems malfunction and we enter a state of mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual impairment.

It is at that point that we experience exhaustion, irritability, ineffectiveness, and so many other symptoms of stress-coping mechanisms.

And as I learned all too well from my personal experience of burning-out and suffering a musculoskeletal disorder, this can lead to extensive damage in organs and body tissues, broadly described by the term allostasis.

How self-love transforms our relationship with stress

One of the most important lessons I learned from burnout is that meeting the demands of life from a place of worthiness and love for ourselves is a game-changer. It took a serious illness for me to discover self-love and to know how amazing being on my own side feels, but I am grateful for all I have experienced and the new direction of my life’s purpose: To translate all the lessons I learned from science and my healing journey into guideposts and strategies on how we can actually be successful without burning out.

Here are some examples of what living from a place of self-love can look like:

We may stay up late to meet a deadline, but we do so from a space of deep satisfaction, which re-charges our batteries with ample energy to conquer the world the next day.

We charge toward a goal that is aligned with our innermost sense of purpose and values. 

We feel self-sufficient in being our own source of love, approval, safety, and security. And from that beautiful, calm, balanced state our relationships transform at work and at home. We no longer cling to people, situations, and things, relating to them in a dysfunctional way that is rooted in fear. We trust that people, jobs, and all good things in life will be available to us as long as the energy exchange remains balanced and healthy. We also have the courage to step away from energy drainers. We don’t think it is the end of the world to give up a larger paycheck to work for an amazing leader or a company that lives their values.   We appreciate everything with a healthy dose of gratitude and we don’t play the martyr. We don’t take things personally, and we establish healthy parameters of giving and receiving while making appropriate adjustments when necessary. We have no reservations about setting healthy boundaries and we are proud to be a role model of work-life balance. We are able to follow the advice of Howard Thurman: “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Final thoughts

Stress is an inevitable part of our modern life that none of us gets a free pass from.

However, the quality of love and trust we cultivate with ourselves greatly determines how resilient we are and the impact that stress will ultimately have on our well-being.

Until we become the source of love, trust, and safety for ourselves, our relationship with stress will continue to be problematic.

Our efforts will be tainted by an endless pursuit for approval and a hidden sense of fear.

We will then engage in dysfunctional patterns of being and relating, which often lead to reducing our optimal performance. Then we experience the adverse consequences of stress.

However, when we choose to cultivate a different quality of love for ourselves, we begin to do things that are aligned with our values. Then the magic begins to happen.

No matter what curve balls we have to deal with in life, we are able to trust in our ability to set our own parameters to deal with these difficulties. We do this with a sense of purpose and equanimity while growing inner strengths along the way.

Although you may be skeptical of the stress-reducing properties of increasing love and kindness for yourself, there is so much science that proves it!

But don’t take my word for it. Regardless of where you are in life, if you are not where you want to be, you can begin the only love affair that can change that.

I will share science-based strategies on how to cultivate more kindness and love for your self in my next article. If you would like to be notified when it will be published and begin to tap into the transformative power of Self-love, Join my loving community: bit.ly/JoinMyndZen 

Five Ways Our Mind Trips Us Up and How To Change That.

Mind Trips

In my last article, I invited you to join me in celebrating the amazing capabilities of our mind.

Thank you so much for all your love, comments and engagement!

In response to all your invaluable comments, I decided this week to write an article that addresses what is on your mind: Why does our “untamed” mind lead us to behaviors that trip us up and what can we do about it?

By “untamed mind” I mean the thought processes that we habitually engage in based on past experiences although they sabotage us today.

Are you frustrated with any habitual thought patterns that sabotage your relationships, your career/finances, or your health? Why not consider guiding your mind to take alternative pathways so that you can arrive at different destinations?

Your mind may be distorting your view of reality and tripping you up without your even realizing it.

The truth about our mind’s involvement in self sabotage. – It is not your fault!

  • Our thought patterns are very powerful, but have been established through experiences we had no influence over.
  • Our mind has been trained to take certain pathways to make sense of challenging aspects of life and help us cope with the internal discomfort that accompanies them.
  • Threatening thoughts, (mind trips) place us in a compromised state because they activate our fear circuitry.
  • Our wise mind shuts down and our body systems veer off balance to address the perceived “threat”.
  • We then grasp for any ways to activate the reward centers in our brain and release “feel good” hormones, to mitigate the sense of unease.
  • Our pathways to rewarding activities that have also been set in our past, may or may not be aligned with our current goals.

Food may be a pleasurable, rewarding activity for someone like me, raised in the Mediterranean, where so many positive values are cultivated around the dinner table.  However, allowing food to be the default pattern of reward center activation during stressful times may over time lead to obesity.

Eliminating the thought patterns leading to Self-Sabotage is within our control.

It is not our fault if the thinking patterns and reward activation pathways which were established in the past do not serve us today.

However, it is within our control to change those patterns in the present.  

We can carve new thinking and reward activation pathways and displace the “defaults” which  consistently mess things up for us.

Here is what you can do next time you feel an internal thought-based discomfort and you are considering an action that sabotages your goals:

  1. Pause– Challenge the thought, its origin and the trigger.
  2. Ask– What it is that I really need right now? Often when we binge watch Netflix we try to numb our unmet need for connection and support.
  3. Choose– Replace old thought with a new alternative thought and rewarding activity that is aligned with your values today.

Trick your way out of Five Common Mind Trips

Here are some suggestions on ways to trick your mind out of five very common mind trips that mess things up for many of us, although they are not based on reality.

  • Mind Trip # 1 — “I am not good enough.”

Sometimes we confuse our behavior with our quality as a person, leading to inadvertent self-doubt and self-criticism. For example, notice the difference between “I am a failure” as opposed to “I fail sometimes.”

You are not your behavior. You can choose to change your behavior if it is not serving you well.

 Trick your mind out of this Mind trip by resting your attention on this thought instead:

You are perfect just the way you are and you have all that you need to meet and exceed every one of your goals in every area of your life. This does not mean that you do not have room for growth. You can use every mishap, moment of self-doubt, or encounter with your inner critic as  guides to uncover qualities that YOU would like to cultivate.

You are more than enough. I think it’s about time you embrace this!

 

  • Mind trip # 2 — “Material things will increase my value as a person.”

We literally kill ourselves to reach a six-figure income level, buy a certain brand of car, or upgrade our home. Yet research is clearly showing that beyond a certain income level, ($75,000/annually), wealth and assets have no impact on our happiness. 

Trick your mind out of this Mind trip by resting your attention on this thought instead:

No material asset will make you more amazing than who you already are. When you catch yourself worrying about the size of your bank account, consider instead the astonishing thirty-seven trillion cells at your disposal to manifest abundance in your body, mind, and environment.

An imbalance in your bank account simply requires your attention in determining how you will go about increasing the deposits and minimizing the withdrawals. But increasing your wealth will have no impact on increasing your sense of self-worth.

Only you can improve your sense of self-worth by using your mind to reinstate balance in your life. From that calm and centered state you can access your body’s amazing resources for greatness.

 

  • Mind trip # 3 — “I can’t help the way I am. I was born this way.”

As George Elliot said, “Its never too late to become who you are meant to be”.

Your brain shapes your mind and your mind shapes your brain throughout your life.

In essence, whatever your mind rests upon becomes your reality.

Advanced imaging techniques now allow us to see from the inside exactly how our thoughts shape our brain and hence our reality.

Trick your mind out of this Mind trip by resting your attention on this thought instead:

 Where you choose to rest your attention induces the growth of different brain regions. Different brain regions are associated with traits and characteristics, some of which are positive and some negative. When you‘re dealing with a challenging situation, if your attention goes to feeling helpless, the neurons in the region of the brain that register helplessness will fire and wire together. This then strengthens the pathway to feeling helpless. When something becomes problematic, why not acknowledge the complexity of the problem and simply ask, “How can I solve this riddle?” Asking your brain to come up with the resources to solve problems is key. This redirects your energy and activates the problem-solving region of your brain, as opposed to the region that registers defeat. You can change any traits that you don’t like about yourself that you inherited from your environment. You can do so by consciously choosing to focus your attention on experiences that cultivate traits you would like to enhance instead.

And yes, my friend, your mind has the power to do that.

 

  • Mind trip # 4 — “Others will not like me if I let them see my vulnerabilities.”

We spend a whole lot of our energy hiding our humanness in an effort to be admired and respected more. We can witness this behavior in elementary school students all the way to our current political leaders. However, adopting the fake belief that perfection equals power deprives us of our real power—the power of connection.

Trick your mind out of this Mind trip by resting your attention on this thought instead:

You are an amazing, complex system with a myriad of strengths and vulnerabilities. However, part of being human involves having characteristics that have room for improvement. This can  threaten our feeling of needing to belong. Fear activates our stress response, which shuts down the part of our brain that helps us relate to others. 

The best way out of this trap of fear is to resist your tendency to let fear isolate you. Why not respond to fear by opening up to someone you trust? Andadd a hug while you’re at it. Human contact induces the release of oxytocin, a wonder chemical with so many positive effects. Why not focus your attention on the power of your body’s oxytocin to reduce your perception of fear and increase feelings of safety and trust?

A hug is a wonderful way to soothe the internal discomfort of feeling vulnerable. It is also a powerful way to train your mind and brain to keep your relational center open to connection— one hug at a time.

 

  • Mind trip # 5 — “My problems are not my fault.”

Do you blame your former spouse or your manager for your lack of career advancement? Do you attribute your debt to the economy? For many of us, our mind trips us up into wasting our energy blaming someone else for our reality when that reality is not the one we wished for.

 Trick your mind out of this Mind trip by resting your attention on this thought instead:

You are 100% the creator of your reality. The beginning of getting your power back is the realization that you, and only you, have control over your circumstances. If you are not where you would like to be, it’s time to take charge.

The mind map technique.

Here is a technique that you can use to begin this process. You can create a “mind map” of where you are compared to where you want to be. You will need a blank sheet of plain paper and three pens with different colored inks, green, red, and orange. Using the green color, jot down a list of all the things that you do that help you get to your desired destination. Using the red color, jot down a list of all the things that you do that hinder you from getting to your desired destination. Review your lists and then using the orange color, jot down one or two things that you can commit to doing every week that will help you get to your target. Make sure to focus only on things that are within your control.

Each one of those small things, repeated over time, will slowly but surely help you create the life you wish for.

Final thoughts

Although your mind is simply the focus of your attention, it has a lot of power.

Your thoughts are responsible for how you feel and how you act.

Your thoughts are also responsible for the architecture of your brain, which determines how resilient you are.

Thus, if you are unsatisfied with any aspect of your life, you can begin to make changes with the power of your mind.

When you catch yourself engaging in actions that do not support you, pause, question your motivation and make a new choice. In this way, you actually begin building a new pathway to feeling good during difficult times that eventually will all together displace the defaults that trip you up.

Switching the focus of your attention will not only improve the way you feel in the moment, but you will also begin to carve a new path, using your mind, to take you to where you want to be.

If you need a guide to hold a lamp to light your way down your path to re-uniting with your best self, I am here for you. You can contact me at tzeli@myndzen.comto set up a free consultation.

Self Worth Matters

self worth

What if I was to tell you that your sense of your self-worth is directly proportional to your happiness in life? Have you ever pondered what on earth self-worth is?The dictionary defines self-worth as “the sense of one’s own value or worth as a person.” But how do we get to value ourselves? Well, one thing is for sure: None of us are born with it.

Here are the two ways we can get a healthy dose of self-worth:

1. Learn it from responsive primary caregivers in our early life, or

2. Cultivate it through dedicated “self-work” as an adult.

Origin of self-worth

Believe it or not, the value we place on ourselves in the world begins forming in our mother’s womb alongside the development of our nervous system as early as twenty-eight days after our conception! As an infant, our worth is shaped by how we are perceived by our first attachment figures—our parents. Our brain gets sculpted by the information it actually processes, so a nurturing environment ideally will form the blueprint of how we should expect life to go for us, which is directly related to our perception of our place in this world. Imagine our brain as a network of freeways taking us to different destinations.

When we feel a need like hunger, as a baby, we do not yet know what that leads to. If the response from our mother comes in the form of a feeding, that builds a “freeway” in our brain’s neural circuitry, which takes us to a place where we feel reflected and seen. Therefore, a positive implicit memory forms about our place in the world. (Implicit is a memory that cannot be recalled consciously.)

Of course what I call “a freeway” is basically a connection between our neurons (synapses). These connections represent the main channels of information flow and storage in our brain.

In early childhood, hundreds of synapses are formed per second. It is within these connections and not in plain sight, where how much we value ourselves forms.

Later, as children, we process more data from the outside world, creating more pathways of being, while in the background; we chisel away parts of ourselves that are not reflected by the outside world. Sadly, storing away what the external environment, does not reward, can lead to us having a diminished sense of self-worth over time without even realizing it.

The delightful Dr. Brene Brown has pretty much proven in over fifteen years of grounded theory research (generation of theory from systematic research), that our issues with self-worth are universal!

That means that although we may not want to admit it or be consciously aware of it, we could all improve our experience of life (even just a tad) by investing some of our attention in uncovering areas of improvement in how much we truly value ourselves.

Here is a list of behaviors that give away that one has a wounded sense of self-worth. If you identify with any of the items below, be happy, because addressing these issues is also the “to-do list” to get on the pathway to living the most beautiful experience of life ever imaginable.

-We look for approval in external sources, although we do not like to admit it!

-We are not that good at setting boundaries. We have a hard time saying no, although that makes us very frustrated on the inside.

-Although we are very good at playing the role of a good relationship partner in the beginning of a relationship, deep down, we have a fear of dependency, so we will often sabotage our relationships— even the ones that are truly wonderful.

-We have a hard time taking responsibility for our own actions and prefer to blame others when things do not work out in life.

-Although we are very smart and eloquent, we often contradict ourselves. What we think, what we say, and what we do are not in harmony. (Based on Mahatma Gandhi’s definition, that is the opposite of happiness.)

-We are not comfortable expressing our own feelings and needs, so instead we take the stance that we don’t have needs, going against our primary force in life— the need for human connection! When we are not satisfied with another person, we give them the silent treatment.

-We have the propensity to take things personally.

-Although we may create a really beautiful exterior, our deep, hidden, fragile sense of self, may lead us to seek to have power over another in order to elevate our sense of self. This can range from mild passive- aggressive behaviors all the way to different types of abuse.

In extreme cases when someone’s damaged sense of self-worth is the result of a traumatic experience like sexual abuse in childhood, one can completely “kill off” the real self in exchange for a false self, which can lead not only to maladaptive behaviors, but also to a wide range of personality disorders that can greatly impact ones’ odds of being able to successfully navigate through life.

A healthy sense of self-worth holds riches beyond comprehension that are directly related to all noble human pursuits. Understanding our own neurobiology and our selves, can be a gateway to the incredible freedom of personal transformation. We don’t actually have to be a scientist to take advantage of the Nobel Prize-winning discovery of neuroplasticity— the process by which our brain can be changed and re-wired throughout the course of our life by environmental interventions.

We can change the pathways that have been created in our brain from our past experience and re-write the narrative of our story.

And we can start by the simple practice of bringing to our awareness the narrative of our thoughts. Anything outside of our awareness is also outside of our control to change!

Then we have to be ready to cut the lifeline to excuses. But that is a whole different story that I will tell you another time!

Self Worth matters was first published on RecoveryView.com, an Online journal on March 8, 2018.