Category: The Problem

What keeps you up at night?

Is it money? Work? Family responsibilities? Relationships? Health?

Have you considered that what keeps us up at night is our thoughts about life situations?

Lying awake at night is simply one of our body’s reactions to the meaning we give to life situations.

But do we see things for what they truly are?

Join me in exploring how to be in charge of your power by choosing the way you look at what we have come to define as the major challenges of our existence.

Five Simple Science Based Pathways to Happiness

Do you feel happy?

If your answer to that question is “yes but…,” I would like to invite you to consider some unconventional pathways to happiness. After all, among all the things we search for in this life, you could say that happiness is the one pursuit that is universal! In addition, scientific research clearly substantiates that happiness is linked to unimpeded well-being, peak performance, and professional success.

If you would like to experience more happiness, here are five practices based on secrets from the neuroscience of happy people that you can use:

  1. Question and redefine the important elements of your life.

Our beliefs, definitions, and values come from our familial, societal, and cultural history. These become our models of the world, and they affect our patterns of behavior and habits. For example, maybe we were raised with the belief that “to be successful in the corporate world you have to pay your dues and sacrifice your personal life.” That belief can lead to us working late evenings and weekends, which will eventually lead to complete imbalance between work and life. We can free ourselves from our history and create the future we want by carefully redefining the important terms in our life. For example, we could redefine success as “having a healthy work/life balance.” And what about our definition of happiness? Have you considered that the way we define happiness may determine whether or not we will be able to attain it? If we define happiness in an all or nothing way, for example, “I will be happy when I am a millionaire,” that sets us up for being unhappy until or if we reach that goal.

The practice: To identify definitions that inadvertently take you out of balance, a good practice is to dedicate time to observe and change beliefs that we have adopted from our environment that affect us in a negative way. Take a moment to create a list of your top three causes of stress. Then, in a second column, list the beliefs and values that are related to those elements being stressors. What terms do you need to redefine so that you can get closer to wholeness and balance? When I was a starving student in a Northern England university, I was one of the people who thought happiness was “having a million dollars.” Today I define happiness as “the ratio between expectation and outcome.” That way, I have an ongoing list of variables I can adjust to improve my sense of happiness, which lowers my level of stress.

  1. Quiet your mind.

Does mindfulness seem like a mystical practice that you are not sure you are capable of performing? What if we look at mindfulness in a way that takes the mysticism and mystery out of it? Mindfulness is simply the practice of directing our attention to the present moment. Although simple, this practice is the most robust and scientific evidence-based practice for health, productivity, and happiness. Several decades of studies show tremendous structural and functional benefits in the brains of fellow humans who have a regular mindfulness practice.

The practice: Find a small slot every day (5-10 minutes) to keep your attention only on your breath. When you notice your attention wandering off (to a negative interaction with your spouse, what you will cook for dinner, or anything else), simply notice it and bring your attention back to your breath. Little by little, you will be happy to realize that after all these years, much of your suffering was a byproduct of your thoughts and emotions. You can find my favorite guided meditation here to help you get started: https://myndzen.com/the-solution/quiet-your-mind/

  1. Nurture your body.

We have decades of data reflecting the incredible benefits of healthy foods and exercise on our cardiovascular health. But did you know that exercise has been proven to have another significant effect? It can make you happier! Exercise has been studied as a treatment for depression for the last thirty years, ever since Professor James Blumenthal (Dept. of Psychology and Neuroscience, Duke University) noticed the inadvertent benefit of exercise on reducing symptoms of depression. A more recent review (2013) by the non-profit Colchrane, a leader in gathering and sharing evidence-based medicine resources, concluded that exercise is as effective a treatment for depression as pharmaceutical treatments.

The practice: Take a few moments to plan out your week so you can slowly, but surely, add regular intervals of exercise into your busy schedule. Can you listen to a conference call, your favorite Podcast, or a TED talk while you are taking a walk instead of sitting at your desk? Although at first it may seem like a challenge to fit one more thing into your busy life, I can promise you that if you stick to it for at least three weeks, you can create a new habit for life. The positive impact on your mood of “feel good” chemicals (like glutamate and GABA) released in your brain through exercise will make you so happy you did!

  1. Turn toward what matters.

Whether we turn to neuroscience, psychology, or human experience, the evidence is clear that strong social connections are one of the most important predictors for longevity, health, and happiness! I hear sometimes that we “don’t have time for relationships” in our busy world. As it turns out, having strong relationships that act as a safety net makes us so much happier. Social connections not only flood our system with oxytocin, which reduces fear in our brain, but also create the solid core from which we can conquer the ups and downs of life with increased well-being.

The practice: Add taking the time EVERY DAY to connect with the important people in your life to your to-do list. Ask yourself what you appreciate about them and take the time to let them know. Maybe you can even put a love note in their briefcase.

  1. Cultivate the positive perspective.

Depression is the most common mental disorder in the world affecting more than 300 million people. Prominent scientists around the world have invested a significant amount of time and effort in understanding it. Today, with the insights we have gathered from the way depression affects the brain, we know exactly which parts of our brain we need to affect to build a happy brain that is resilient against depression and anxiety and we know how to do it. For example, we know positive thoughts can build the part of our brains that reduce depression and increase happiness. Best yet, we don’t have to be neuroscientists to benefit from this knowledge.

The practice: Whenever something happens to you that elicits negative emotions, acknowledge the validity of those feelings and redirect your attention to uncovering five positive elements of that experience. For example, if you were just laid off, recognize the legitimate concern about this event. Then focus your attention on how this unforeseen circumstance could perhaps provide you with a much-needed reset space to reconsider your next career move, or with time with your family, and so on and so forth.

FINAL THOUGHTS Beyond the euphoric emotions that we all associate with being happy, there are also many evidence-based benefits to our well-being when we are feeling happy. Being happier not only makes us more open, approachable, hopeful, and optimistic, but also increases our immune function and our ability to calm down in the midst of chaos.There has never been a better time to employ self-compassion and accountability toward nurturing the real sources of happiness in our life.

After all, scientific research has proven that the conventional things we historically go after, fail to make us happier. For example, a relatively recent Princeton University study by Nobel-prize winning economist, Angus Deaton, and psychologist, Daniel Kahneman showed that once one’s income level reaches $75,000 per year, no matter how much more we make, it makes no difference to our degree of happiness!

It appears that beyond the short bursts of primal happiness from having nice material possessions, enjoying a lovely meal, or making love, there is one type of happiness that is internal—one that we carry with us always regardless of the size of our bank account or the type of car we drive.

That kind of happiness hinges upon our ability to maintain a calm nervous system, even when experiences we are having are not pleasant.

Almost six decades of scientific data are illuminating significant clues on how to accomplish having a calm nervous system. We can free ourselves from past limiting beliefs that hold us hostage, redefine the important elements of our life, quiet our minds and nurture our bodies, connect with our loved ones, and focus on the positive, thereby harnessing our incredible nervous system for our health and well-being.

When we establish this sense of internal safety, we will be able to perceive the world and our life as a positive experience.

And that kind of happiness, my friend, is 100% within your control!

Three Simple “Antidotes” to Prevent Feeling Overwhelmed

The dictionary defines “to overwhelm” as: “to drown beneath a huge mass.” Do you find yourself having more to do than time to do it? Do you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, and yet you cannot stop taking on more and more responsibility?

If this sounds like you, you are not alone!

Ample scientific evidence is ringing an alarm bell about how much feeling overwhelmed and experiencing high levels of stress impact our health and performance. But we don’t have time to read those studies or the peace of mind to come up with solutions. Luckily, you have a scientist at your disposal, who suffered great health consequences from chronic stress and is passionate about developing practical, science-based solutions just for you.

Next time you find yourself at the tipping point where healthy motivation or positive stress (called eustress) is turning into distress, and you are feeling overwhelmed, I invite you to try out three simple hacks that are supported by science and, although simple, are very effective at nipping feeling overwhelmed in the bud.

1.   Take a break!

If you are anything like I used to be, when responsibilities became overwhelming, I would steal more hours from my personal life to try and complete all my tasks. I hoped that once I got caught up, I would be able to get back to a healthy work/life balance. Research, however, is showing that one of the most effective things we can do to meet life’s demands better is to get off the rollercoaster, even if it is just for a few minutes. Despite how busy you may be, shut your devices down, and create some space to do something that gives you pleasure. Research is showing that one of the biggest factors as to whether stress will be a friend or a foe to our well-being hinges upon whether our stress levels are intermittent or constant.

By taking an active stance to infuse breaks, so that your nervous system has the opportunity to reset and restore, you are actually intercepting the chemical reactions in your body that result in a myriad of consequences, including but not limited to depression, insomnia, hypertension, GI problems, higher incidence of infection, and even memory impairment.

2.    Practice the one-minute rule.

When I found myself so incredibly overwhelmed and hiding my debilitating anxiety behind my awards and my outward success, I came across Gretchen Rubin’s incredible work and her “one-minute rule.” Gretchen Rubin, one of the most influential observers of happiness and human nature, is the author of three New York Times best sellers: The Four Tendencies, Better Than Before and The Happiness Project. The one-minute rule involves completing any and all tasks that can be completed in one minute or less before tackling larger projects. These tasks could be hanging up our coat, making our bed, confirming an appointment, sending a quick follow-up email, depositing a check, and so on and so forth. Although completing these small tasks may seem like nothing in the larger scheme of the “huge mass we are drowning under,” I have found Gretchen Rubin’s one-minute rule to be extremely impactful. It helps me take some weight off my overwhelmingly-full plate so I can focus on the bigger and more energy-demanding priorities. Try it out and see for yourself!

3.    Plan Ahead.

Planning ahead can minimize unnecessary stress. Can you remember a time when you had a million things happening at the same time, and you were late for an appointment, and you could not find your car keys? I can!

Although in isolation, not remembering where you put your keys is not that big of a deal, it can be the “straw that breaks the camel’s back” in the midst of a crazy day. What if we could take the necessary steps proactively to eliminate those extra stressors, or at least plan ahead and develop back-up plans that control their negative impact? I have found so much calm in the midst of chaos from something as simple as having a specific spot for my keys and the mail and the stamps and all the little things that, although not great stressors in isolation, can tip us off the optimal performance zone when we are already dealing with an overwhelming number of things to do. Take a minute to look back at a time when some small things tipped you off your optimal performance. Determine which of those things are within your control and plan ahead for them, so that the next time you have a million things happening at once, you can feel less overwhelmed.

In conclusion

In this information-overloaded, fast-paced world, it is very normal to feel overwhelmed and stressed out.

Our immaculate brain has naturally evolved with the propensity to focus more on negative aspects of experience, inadvertently activating our fight or flight response, temporarily shutting down the thinking part of our brain, and slowing down the optimal performance of our important functions like our immune system.

We all know there are many things we have absolutely no control over. However, increasing our knowledge and embracing the amazing power of our brain and nervous system is within our control. We can learn how our brain and nervous system can turn against us when untamed, and learn how to tame them. Working with our incredible nervous system and not against it, is one of the most impactful avenues we can take to lead us to changing anything that is not working for us, reunite us with our best self, and reinstate that lovely balance of home and work life.

Trust and Betrayal

Trust is one of the most common words in the English language. Although we usually associate it with personal relationships, trust and betrayal are important elements in our professional, as well as in our personal lives.

According to the 2017 Gallup State of the Workplace Report, the lack of trust in the workplace contributes to active disengagement by employees and interferes with the ability of an organization to build a loyal customer base. Companies that have employees who are engaged in their work are 147% more profitable. The bottom line is that lack of trust costs companies a lot of money.

So how can we do better in matters of trust and betrayal? In order to cultivate trust and to know what to do to repair injuries of betrayal it is important to understand what trust really is and why we break it in the first place.

The most practical definition of trust I have come across comes from Dr. Brene Brown, grounded theory researcher and bestselling author of four #1 New York Times best sellers, including Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection.

I am particularly fond of social science grounded-theory research because it involves the construction of theory through methodical gathering and analysis of data. This is in contrast to developing theory by starting off with a hypothesis and trying to find out if the data will support it or not.

Dr. Brown has given us an amazing, measurable framework that demystifies how we can build trust in practical ways in our personal and professional relationships.

She defines trust as “choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else.”

She uses the acronym B.R.A.V.I.N.G. to outline the behaviors you and I can do every day to get closer to mastery and away from disaster when it comes to trust. Here is her outline.

B is for Boundaries. We cannot cultivate trust unless we are clear about boundaries and respect one another’s boundaries.

R is Reliability. In this information-overloaded age we are living in, it is hard to keep up with life’s demands. However, if we care to build trust with people, we need to be able to do what we say we are going to do, over and over and over again. If we have a hard time doing that, then we can practice becoming better at saying no to additional demands.

A is for Accountability. We cannot build trust or repair past injuries if we don’t own our mistakes, be accountable for them, and apologize for them.

V is for Vault. We cannot cultivate trust with anybody if we don’t treat others with respect by honoring what they have shared with us. When we do not keep confidentiality as an integral part of the parameters of a relationship, that in and of itself is a corrosive form of betrayal that is very hard to recover from. Even when you share with me something about someone else (aka gossiping), you still disrupt my ability to trust you!

I is for Integrity. We cannot build trust if our actions do not align with our values. We cannot lie about somebody because we are upset with them and then profess that honesty is the cornerstone of our business.

N is for Non-judgment. We cannot trust one another when we come from a place of judgment. It takes courage to ask for help and expose our vulnerability. Judging someone for having the courage to be real with us can pose a significant obstacle to building trust. We need to do better at honoring the courage to be real, and it starts by us doing better in asking for help and not judging ourselves for that.

G is for Generosity. We cannot build trust if we don’t cultivate a model of being with others that leaves some room for mistakes, that does not assume the worst about one another, and that gives each other the benefit of the doubt. If we are all brave in bringing up what is not working and are ready to be accountable for our mistakes, then we can easily recover from betrayals and enjoy positive and wholesome relationships.

When we have so much evidence about the importance of trust in relationships and the great impact it has on the health of individuals and organizations, why would any of us break it?

Research has linked many unhealthy human behaviors to structural changes in our brain that occur as a result of negative early-life experiences. This altered brain structure makes it more difficult for us as adults to process internal negative emotions without perceiving them unconsciously as threats to our survival. This results in our trouble with not being accountable, not having or respecting boundaries, and not holding confidentiality.

We can see this not only at the theoretical level from behavioral science, but also through FMRI imaging techniques that reveal structural differences between people that were raised with positive versus adverse childhood experiences.

When we experience the pain of rejection, (for example, when a client wants to cancel their contract with us) having the ability to process and express our emotions in a healthy way hinges upon our ability to regulate the temporary discomfort we are feeling and not perceive it as a major cue for danger. When we allow an event like the loss of a client to be interpreted as a danger cue, we activate our stress response, which draws our metabolic energy away from our amazing thinking brain to the less evolved parts of our brain.

Losing access to the executive functioning part of our brain means we may slip and slide into the realm of behaving with others in ways that lead to distrust and betrayal.

However, we can train our brain to work with us and not against us by using everyday, simple practices that allow us to improve our ability to make intelligent use of our emotions.

As abstract as this concept may seem, it starts with the single act of being accountable, if and when, we temporarily lose access to our best self and engage in behaviors that are not healthy. I have created five questions to use to easily turn your executive brain back on when stress has overwhelmed it so you can return to being your best self. You can access these questions when you join my online community.http://bit.ly/JoinMyndZen

Although we may have to call upon our self-compassion in regard to having a brain that is more prone to seeing danger where it does not exist because of our past experiences, we have the power to change any part of our life that is not working for us as long as we focus on what we can control. This includes the power to reshape our brain to help us build more trust at work and at home!