Category: Health

I don’t believe there is a single person on the planet that has not spent at least one night worrying about their health. The $3 trillion dollars spent in the healthcare sector in the US is more than any other country in the developed world. What’s worse, prevention in the US ranks low compared to other developed countries. The US ranks as one of the worst countries in preventing deaths from treatable conditions.

Having synthesized five drugs for cancer treatment and having worked in the healthcare industry for the best part of two decades, I can tell you with certainty that when it comes to our health, it is what we do not know that kills us. What are some of the least known hidden causes that prevent optimal health? Join me in finding out.

December 25, 2018

A Holistic Framework to Design New Year’s Resolutions that Work!

The countdown to the New Year is almost here!

We are just days away from opening the door to new beginnings. But how satisfied are you with how this year went? Was it all that you wished for, or do you feel disappointed because this was yet another year that you were not able to meet the goals you set for yourself? Or perhaps you met your goals but feel frustrated because they did not bring you fulfillment?

I have a little secret to tell you.

If your efforts did not bring you satisfaction this year, there is a good chance that your energy was misdirected.

Where you invested your time, attention, and resources is not what has the power to bring you fulfillment.

As an Integrative Wellness practitioner and the poster child of the cost of success without fulfillment, I want to share with you a life construction framework that can help you design your new year to be the beginning of a truly satisfying life.

The truth about New Year’s resolutions

During this time of the year, most of us take the time to reflect on what went well, what did not, and what we would like to do differently in the new year.

“A New Year’s resolution is a tradition in which a person resolves to change an undesired trait or behavior to accomplish a personal goal or otherwise improve their life.” – Wikipedia

But why do New Year’s resolutions have such a high failure rate?

By January 7, a quarter of us give up on our new year’s resolutions, and a mere month later more than 60% of us will give up on them as well. What is the real barrier to lasting change in life improvement endeavors?

New Year’s resolutions’ blindspots.

Broadly speaking, our definition of success, which gives birth to our life strategies and new year’s resolutions, comes from our family, society, educational system, and culture.

It is an external view of success created by others and is problematic in the following ways:

1. This view of success focuses predominantly on material accomplishments, such as the size of our bank account, house, or job title.

2. It impacts only the physical aspect of our being while overlooking the other dimensions of our being, which are just as important:

· Our mental dimension, which includes our thought patterns, self-perception, beliefs, and how we view the world.

· Our emotional dimension, which includes our feelings and the relationships we have with ourselves and with others.

· Our spiritual dimension, which includes our true self, our personal development, our connection to community and the world, and our connection to a higher power, whatever that definition is for you.

3. Directing our energy to meet status quo expectations does not provide us with the motivation we need to fuel the transformations we want to accomplish. When our efforts are supporting someone else’s vision, and lack emotional, spiritual, and mental rewards, we lose steam quickly.

4. Living someone else’s vision negatively impacts important areas of our life.

For example, one may unconsciously sacrifice their primary relationship or deep connection to their children for a leadership promotion or a higher paycheck. Or one can have an incredible career at the expense of the health of their body.

I know all too well the cost of not nurturing all aspects of ourselves and how they affect one another!

As a young immigrant chasing the “American Dream,” I placed too much emphasis on climbing the corporate ladder at the expense of my emotional, mental, and spiritual health. The imbalance in the neglected parts eventually resulted in the collapse of every part of me, including my spine. Living with a severe spinal condition is not easy. But it was my awakening to understanding why Integrative Medicine is the biggest trend in Wellness.

“Integrative medicine embodies the original, but often-forgotten, model of health and wellness: It focuses on a whole-person approach equally addressing the patient’s mind, body, community and spirit as the means to reach optimal health.”-Dr. De Mello

I personally may never be able to restore my physical health to its beautiful original state. But today I am living my life’s purpose: To inspire and empower my fellow human beings embrace the transformative power of holistic (integrative) wellness.

I wrote this article to share with you a step by step path to bring holistic wellness home. If your current life planning method has left you feeling unfulfilled, I invite you to try planning your new year using an approach that works. The holistic life model has allowed me and my clients to break through conditioned ways of being and live a healthier, balanced life we enjoy. And you can too!

A new approach—The Holistic Life Model

At no point in our life do we get educated on the importance of caring for our entire being. A robust body of scientific evidence however, indicates that the most effective path to well-being is possible when we consider and care for the whole person: body, mind, and spirit. Our mind, body, and spirit are not only interconnected with one another, but also have a significant impact on all important areas of our life: health, career and finances, family and relationships, and spirituality and self-development.

You can bring the Holistic Life Model home this year by creating a life plan (and new years resolutions), that involves caring for and nurturing all of you—the WHOLE person. Do you typically try to address a physical problem by taking actions to bring well-being into that physical area alone? Instead, you can begin to address the physical problem by including actions to bring or increase well-being into all four areas of self: mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual.

For example, you probably will not be able to experience lasting positive change in weight loss endeavors if you only focus on creating new eating habits. Weight loss is most successful when we combine addressing core issues that perhaps lead to emotional eating in combination with new eating habits. Which area of your life is causing you stress that you attempt to soothe through food? Is it your primary relationship, the one you have with your manager, or your difficult sister? Improving the quality of that relationship will help address the cause of emotional eating and increase your chance of accomplishing your weight goal.

Here are the steps you can use to plan a Holistic, Fulfilling, Happy New Year:

Step 1: Clearly define your vision.

If you had a blank canvas, what kind of masterpiece would you dare to create for your life?

Allow yourself the freedom and the space to dream for a minute.

Write down the elements of what you would define as a fulfilling life of health and balance if you paid attention to your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual self in all important areas of your life: health, career and finances, family and relationships, spirituality and self-development. Don’t limit your self by one-dimensional visions, like “becoming a millionaire.” Envision what kind of parent, or partner you want to be, how would you make a change in your community? In your vision, what do your daily rituals look like? What are your spiritual practices?

Don’t limit yourself by focusing on what you don’t want, like dropping an extra ten pounds. Dare to dream about what excites you. In your ideal life, would you be in the best shape of your life? Would you challenge yourself to win a dance competition?

By taking the time to create your life vision, circumstances will no longer drive your life. A strong vision will allow you to bring intentionality to all that you do to support you in becoming who you want to be.

Step 2: Identify the area currently in need of the most improvement.

This step can be a tricky one. Often times, an imbalance in one area is the root cause of what we experience as a problem in another. The experience I shared earlier—of trying to lose weight by dieting, when the root cause of your weight gain is emotional eating to deal with stress from a toxic relationship—is an example of this.

You are the expert in determining which part of your life needs your attention today to provide you with the highest return on your investment in improving your life experience as a whole.

Maybe you have accomplished much success in your career, but your primary relationship suffers. Maybe you have worked your way into great physical fitness, but your finances are in disarray. Maybe you have a great home, but you feel lonely. Or perhaps you have a good job and are financially comfortable, but you don’t feel fired up because your company’s vision is not congruent with yours. The clarity that comes with recognizing your biggest area of struggle will allow you to take the small, bite-size steps that will positively impact every aspect of your life.

Step 3: Determine the actions within your control that contributed to your problem.

The conventional way of thinking leads us to an automatic path of blaming external circumstances for our problems. However, this approach deprives us of the power to change the trajectory of our life story.

How did you contribute to what has become a challenging area of your life?

Maybe you can see how a person you chose to keep in your life did not honor your personal values or boundaries. Perhaps you kept one eye closed because you were afraid of being alone.

Maybe you followed a career path that is not meaningful to you for the high paycheck or because you believed it would enhance your sense of self-worth.

Or perhaps you played small and sacrificed your full potential because you were afraid of failure.

Becoming crystal clear about which of your actions created a problem in any aspect of your life may seem hard, but it is so worth the effort.

By recognizing your power to create your reality, you open the door to endless opportunities to make the necessary changes in the new year that will help you change your problem area into a break-through.

Step 4: Identify the small steps you can take today that will move you toward your vision.

We often get overwhelmed by choosing goals that are too elusive, like “being a millionaire,” meeting “the one,” “driving a Tesla,” or “living in a beach house.”

At the end of the day we all just want to be happy. Yet we forget that happiness is a state that we are in control of defining as we grow, learn, and do.

Perhaps going to happy hour was once your definition of what fulfilling social time looks like.

However, if your new vision is to live a life of service in the best shape of your life, maybe starting a hiking meet-up group for working moms is the action that will give you happiness now.

Happiness emerges when we choose all the little actions we can feasibly do every day that support and nurture our life vision.

When looking at the area you chose to prioritize as needing the greatest amount of improvement, what small actions can you take every day mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically to support this new life vision? If your vision is to be in the best shape of your life this new year, you can start small. For example, you can commit to daily 15-minute walk after dinner each night; Establish a fitness buddy to share fitness rituals with; Make a healthy vegetable soup for the week.

By taking small steps everyday that help us live our goals, as opposed to waiting for the day when they come to life, we can reset the tone for new happiness.

Final thoughts

As one year is coming to an end and a new one is about to begin we take the time to reflect on what has worked for us and what we plan to change to be happier.

Yet it appears that the compass of our traditional new years’ resolutions is societal expectations that misdirect our energy and leave us feeling drained, unfulfilled, and stuck at the end of the year.

It is clear that the traditional model of building a fulfilling life does not provide us with the framework to bring wholeness to our mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual dimensions.

There is a different way to approach life that puts us back in the driver’s seat—the Holistic Life Model.

This model requires that we are brave enough to step outside the orbit of status quo expectations and clearly define our authentic life vision.

Rather than only focusing on the size of our bank account, it involves deciding what kind of partner, parent, or community member we want to be.

This compelling vision then generates the unfathomable motivation that helps us align our daily actions to support it.

When we choose to live a conscious, holistic life, we end every year fulfilled because we experience satisfaction in the present moment, as opposed to waiting for an elusive goal to become a reality.

So why wait for January 1? You can choose this moment to begin your new, holistic life.

If you need help to do this, I am here for you. It is my mission as a certified Integrative Wellness coach to support you in changing anything that is not working for you by focusing on what you can control.

Because I can tell you one thing with certainty. Despite all the amazing adventures of my life, achieving goals and experiencing life in three different countries, nothing—no money, no job titles, no awards—can top how amazing it feels to take back control of your life.

Happy New Year!

December 10, 2018

Tips to Make the Holidays Less stressful. (And more Merry & Bright)

We typically refer to the holiday season as the most wonderful time of the year.

But is that true for you? If it is, I am happy for you.

But if it’s not, you are definitely not alone!

Statistically-speaking, it appears that for a good three months, including the time before and after the holidays, our stress level is at its worst for the majority of us.

Further, seasonal depression abounds during the holiday season. Many additional financial strains, extra work demands for end-of-the-year deadlines, and dealings with family members challenge our ability to stay positive, present and calm.

Not to mention, many of us have to rise to the occasion of having a “wonderful life” when our reality is not congruent with the commercials and holiday shows that bombard us. Many of us are divorced, single parents. Some of us live thousands of miles away from home. And others are adjusting to life without loved ones who are no longer here.

Between the extra expenses, gifts, travel, decorations, dinner parties, loneliness, distractions of our normal routine, long lines, loss, divorces, extra traffic, dealing with family, and oh-so-many expectations are you surprised we suffer from holiday stress?

It does not matter whether the holiday is Hanukah, Christmas, or Diwali. The extra load the holidays place on our already-full plates often exceeds our capacity to rise to the occasion without taking our bodies out of whack.

However, there is a magical gift to be found in the holidays and in the rest of our life. If the script that was passed on to us is causing us exhaustion, anxiety, pressure, and strain, it is 100% within our control to change it!

We are the creators of our reality and we can re-write any part of our story to make it more balanced, sustainable, jolly, and bright!

Here are nineteen suggestions to consider in re-writing your holiday story, in order to savor the festivities without burning out.

Upgrade your mindset

1. How we celebrate Christmas as we grow older can change.

The holiday tale you were handed as part of your family history includes a myriad of family traditions that perhaps are not realistic today.

If you want to write a new holiday story that fits your current reality, you can start by choosing a new theme. Then you can determine the plot, the protagonists, the roles, and the dialogue that work for you. Here are some suggestions for a new story with a happier ending:

2. Set your own standards, expectations, and what “good enough” looks like for you. Don’t try to keep up with traditions that are unrealistic based on your life’s circumstances.

3. Focus only on what you can control.

4. Enjoy the journey without being distracted by worries about the result.

5. Strive for balance as opposed to perfection.

6. Explore ways you can turn to-do list items into opportunities for connection. My lovely friend Steph role-modeled this beautifully when she hosted a Friendsgiving soiree this year. Everybody contributed to a lovely meal, and part of the joy was decorating her Christmas tree together. What a great way to enjoy the moment and take the decorating chore off her to-do list!

Prioritize and plan ahead

7. Set a budget without being afraid of being a Scrooge.

You may know of the character, Scrooge, from the story The Christmas Carol. He was miserly and selfish. But you can set limits and still be generous.

After all, how generous we are with our time, energy, and money hinges on the love and thought we place into things and not the quantity.

What if you avoid over-spending, as well as the overwhelming lines and exhaustion of holiday shopping, by creating gifts for your dearest ones?

You can spend time with your children decorating useful everyday things, like coffee mugs for example. Or you can play some holiday music by the fire while reviewing your photos from the past year. Select your favorite photos of adventures you shared with family and friends. You can then order prints of those photos, place them in frames, and turn them into wonderful gifts.

8. Don’t let the Grinch steal your Christmas.

You may remember the Grinch, Dr. Seuss’s mean-tempered character, who was so irritated by the holiday festivities that he decided to destroy Christmas.

When you lose yourself in an attempt to please everyone and surpass everybody else’s expectations, guess what happens! You burnout. The typical symptoms of burnout— exhaustion, irritability, insomnia, and ineffectiveness—can turn the nicest of us into the Grinch! What good is staying up all night to prepare the perfect holiday gathering if you are so snappish and irritable that you cannot enjoy it?

Do you remember the last time you gave up sleep, wholesome nutrition, or your little healthful rituals to rise to the unrealistic expectations of your family, friends, or work?

How did that feel in your body and spirit?

The truth is, it is impossible to be the perfect mother, daughter, cook, and executive all at the same time. It is imperative that we take control of our priorities by being mindful of what is important to our well-being!

To avoid burning out this holiday season, incorporate the following when setting your holiday priorities.

9. Put yourself on top of your priority list!

10. Plan ahead how you will spend your time, your money, and your energy.

11. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

12. Nurture your body.

Don’t let the holiday over-burden your need for rest in between sprints. A short 15-minute walk can be a great way to de-stress. There is a great sense of peace in the sound of the wind whistling through the trees and the extra blood pumping through your blood when you gift yourself with a few minutes of activity in nature. Not to mention, research has revealed that even short amounts of daily exercise activate the same brain circuits as anti-depressants do.

13. Nurture your mind. If extra contact with relatives, which takes you out of your zen, is on the menu during the holidays, purposely infuse positive activities in between visiting with them. This can include committing to a guided meditation before you go to sleep, listening to an uplifting podcast on the way to work, or simply planning to spend more time with people who uplift your spirits.

14. Enjoy the moment. Resist the urge to let your mind wander to stressful thoughts. Although this is easier said than done, training your attention to stay in the present moment is an incredible practice. Its benefits go beyond being a popular fad. Keeping your attention in the now has many physiological and psychological benefits. Some of those benefits are blood pressure reduction, increased optimism, and even growth in regions of your brain that are associated with inner strengths, like improved concentration and problem-solving.

Dare to be you and do things differently

15. Let Rudolph show you the joy of being different .

Do you remember the story of Rudolph, one of Santa’s reindeer, who was shunned by the other reindeer because he had a bright, red nose? But then the light of his nose saved Christmas as he guided Santa’s sleigh on a foggy night.

The stress to conform can increase during the holidays. Once upon a time we lived in small communities with family structures that had defined roles and plenty of support available. Today, the pace of life is very different with many single-parent households, moms in executive roles, and family members geographically spread around the nation or the world.

High demands are placed on us during the holidays. It takes courage to defy the familial norms and traditions. Choosing how you want your life to be during the holiday season means you have the opportunity to create new traditions that are aligned with who you are today.

Here are some additional things to keep in mind as you become a holiday tradition pioneer:

16. Align traditions with your interests.

What traditions are linked to what gives you joy? For example, I discovered that volunteering for a cause I am passionate about is a fantastic new holiday tradition with many benefits. It gives me the opportunity to savor my connectedness to the whole, spend wholesome time with my daughter, and deepen my sense of gratitude for our blessings.

17. Master the art of saying no. We have associated a negative connotation to saying no to things that take us off-kilter. But whether you kindly decline to attend one more holiday affair or to host your negative relative for ten days, consider what you are saying yes to when you say no. Perhaps you are saying yes to peace of mind, centeredness, and a better night’s sleep!

Reflect

18. Choose the definition of the greatest gift.

Beyond over-indulging, over-spending, forced family time, and endless to-do lists, the spirit of the holidays is really about pausing and opening the door to love.

The greatest gift we can all give to ourselves, our families, and the world we live in is taking back the reins of what is 100% within our control. We can choose all the ingredients and the small steps to take to create the life and the holiday season we love.

During this time, give yourself the space to reflect on what you need to continue, to stop, and to start doing in the coming year. You can use the following prompts to reflect.

o What activities, choices, and people brought you happiness this last year?

o How does your current self-care ritual feel? How do you nurture your body and soul? What more do you need?

o What are some of the biggest pearls of wisdom you gathered this year and what would you like to do differently in the new year?

By pausing, reflecting, and choosing what you will do to move toward what you truly love, you can not only design a peaceful holiday, but a more satisfying life.

Enjoy

19. Remember what a wonderful life looks like to you.

Our busy lives, in and out of the holiday season, don’t always provide us with the opportunity to reflect on what truly makes life wonderful.

I know from personal experience how draining, stressful, and unfulfilling losing ourselves in all the things we “should be” doing can be.

Meeting a never-ending list of others’ expectations and standards obscures the wonder of life and deprives us of the joy that we all deserve.

But we can use this holiday season as the catalyst for positive change.

We can:

Decide which parts of our history we want to bring forth into the present moment.
Dare to incorporate new traditions that serve us well.
Elevate our self-care and honor our limits.
Prioritize and plan how we use our energy to honor what is important to us.

And then, the miracle happens. A door opens to a truly wonderful life. We feel calmer, more grounded, and can shed a tear for a special someone we miss yet smile at the glistening shine of a fresh snowflake.

And that is when we not only enjoy the festivities in the present moment, but we become a beacon of light for our families, our colleagues, and the collective whole.

May you have a wonderful, joyful, and peaceful holiday season!

November 27, 2018

Practical Ways To Love Yourself More

In my last article, I provided an overview of scientific literature, which supports that self-love plays a foundational role in our well-being.

But how do we begin to do the work of cultivating the quality of love for ourselves that can literally transform our lives?

If being hard on yourself has been “the norm” throughout the course of your life, it may seem impossible to imagine how you can transform the stance from which you typically tackle life.

This may be the case even more if being a drill sergeant to yourself has resulted in “status quo” success. My commitment to excellence, at the cost of my work-life balance, allowed me to synthesize cancer drugs, lead teams from the bottom to the top in performance, and win a myriad of corporate and other awards. It was all great until I fell apart!

The truth is, when I burned out, far from feeling love for myself, I felt like a complete failure. I perceived my burned-out state as a sign of weakness and felt very disappointed in myself. How could a once top performer—someone who synthesized cancer agents and was an athlete— fall apart like I did?

Yet somehow, I allowed my discomfort to become my motivation and discovered the ultimate path to freedom. We can experience amazing joy when our efforts are fueled by self-appreciation and driven by our own values instead of by external approval.

Here are some of the most effective ways, which I learned from prominent researchers, that we can use to tap into cultivating a better relationship with ourselves, flaws and all.

These science-based strategies not only helped me find my way back home to better health, but they also help me now to transform the lives of my clients when they became too burned out to succeed.

1. Become your own best friend.

If your best friend came to you while facing a challenge, how would you support them? I am certain that you would speak to them kindly, listen to them attentively, perhaps make them a warm cup of tea, and hold their hand through their difficulty. Why can’t we be as compassionate to ourselves? The world’s most prominent researcher in self-compassion, Dr. Kristin Neff, has revealed that when a friend fails it presents no threat to us. However, our own shortcomings present as a real or perceived threat to our self-concept. And any threat short-circuits our thinking brain and activates our stress response, which compromises every part of us, including our compassion for ourselves.

But why not use this knowledge to instead make a commitment to extend the same love and support to ourselves as we would to a best friend? Become your own best friend!

According to Dr. Neff, we can teach ourselves to be our best friend by incorporating the three essential components of self-compassion, which are Mindfulness, Kindness, and Recognizing our Common Humanity.

To illustrate how this might work, let’s pretend you were just passed up for a job promotion. Or you could pick your own example of a current or past difficult situation.

The first step is to bring Mindfulness into the situation, recognizing how difficult the situation is.

You can use any words that are comfortable and natural for you. You could say, “This is really tough,” or “I am feeling rejected,” or “This is a moment of suffering,” or “It is not going to be easy for me to accept this.” The key here is to choose how we relate to the experience without taking it personally, so that we can deal with our emotions from a calm, balanced state. We need to avoid judging either the situation or ourselves. We would never respond with judgement and blame to our best friend, would we?

The second step is to invite Kindness in.

This can be something as simple as setting the intention to be kind and supportive to ourselves. Think of the words and the actions you would use to comfort someone you love if they were going through a similar experience. Include terms of endearment, the warmth of human touch, and soothing vocalizations. For example, you could hold your face in your hands and say something like: “Aww Tzeli, I am so sorry you have to go through this right now, my love. But I am here for you.” Don’t worry about looking silly. No one is watching. Remember, your brain does not know the difference between what you are saying or thinking and what is happening in reality. By role-modeling compassion, your brain registers safety. This keeps all of your body’s organs and functions working at optimal performance levels, which allows you to respond beautifully to difficult life situations.

The third step is recognizing our common humanity.

As we go through the ups and downs of life, we may find it hard to be on our own side. This may be because of the false perception that everybody else is managing life just perfectly and we are alone in our discomfort. The truth is, not a single one of us is perfect and failures, mistakes or moment of self-doubt, are all part of being human. In moments of doubt, it is important to remind your self of our common humanity. You can comfort your self by telling your self something like, “It is normal to feel disappointed, but there are many others going through similar situations,” or “Discomfort is part of life. I am here for you. I’ve got your back.”

Research reveals significant benefits in investing your energy into becoming your own best friend. Some of these benefits are greater resilience in the face of challenges and faster recovery from physical or emotional traumas.

2. Reconnect with your values.

When our never-ending pursuit of happiness is driven by social norms and the wants and needs of others, we lose a really important source of power: The power of our own values!

When we are taking actions and creating things in life that are not aligned with our values, we experience discomfort and difficult emotions. This in turn leads to coping mechanisms that sabotage us. However, when we turn to what is most valuable to us, we can find strength, motivation, and energy to invest in meeting life goals that are rooted in love, rather than fear.

To re-connect with your values, I invite you to run an experiment with yourself for the next seven days.

On the first day of your experiment, set your alarm ten minutes earlier and begin your day with a short, guided meditation. You can use a guided meditation of your choice, or you can receive one in your inbox by joining the Myndzen community- bit.ly/JoinMyndZen
Once your mind is clearer, give yourself few minutes to write a list of single words that represent what you value most in your life in the present moment. For example, some one-word values are adventure, community, love, friendship, integrity, tradition, equality, and so forth. What do you value most? When you have completed your list, review it and choose the three values that make you feel the most joyful, happy, and powerful when you think about them.
Then, at any point throughout the course of your day, when you recognize any of your actions causing you frustration or discomfort, pause and challenge yourself to identify what is driving your action. If one of your top three values is not behind your action, this may be the cause of your discomfort. Select a small step you can take to nudge your response to a new action that is more aligned with your values. For example, if your top value is family and you were asked to participate in a weekend work meeting, you could suggest that you participate remotely via an online meeting app instead of physically attending the meeting.
Focusing on the top three values you identified, repeat the process of aligning your actions with these values over the next seven days. You might want to keep a list of your new actions.

By the end of the seven days, you will have a list of different actions you can choose to keep you in sync with your top values. These new choices come from a place of self-trust and self-appreciation as opposed to self-judgment. You will be amazed at how much energy you will free up when you choose actions that are aligned with what you care about the most.

3. Befriend your inner critic.

A part of you will always rise up to sabotage your efforts, especially when you are brave enough to step outside of your comfort zone. For example, you may have decided to improve your work-life balance to support your value of family by working less. Then your boss challenges your commitment to your work because you are not working late as much. At this point, you may hear an inner voice that sounds something like: “Who do you think you are challenging the status quo?” We call that voice our Inner Critic.

We have historically viewed the inner critic as an antiquated parental voice, which we have been advised to ignore. However, newer models of therapy such as Dr. Richard Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems model, suggest there may be a more effective way to relate to our inner critic. Instead of ignoring it, we can befriend and work with our inner critic. If you really think about it, our inner critic, as annoying and frustrating as he/she may be, is only trying to protect us. The voice and the inhibiting actions it tells us to take are attempting to protect parts of ourselves that have been hurt in the past.

For example, if speaking up and standing up for yourself was punished in your early years, you may experience a lot of resistance from your inner critic when you are braving assertiveness. It will criticize you to prevent you from taking any risks that might cause you pain. This causes discomfort and your inner critic may then lead you to numbing actions like eating or drinking alcohol.

To release ourselves from the voice of our inner critic, we can make ourselves less vulnerable to whatever it is that the inner critic thinks we need protection from.

For example, you can find a safe space to practice speaking up with no consequences, like joining a Toastmasters group. Your inner critic will soon learn that you are not in danger or vulnerable when you speak up. You can also begin recognizing your inner critic as a valuable part of you and engage in journaling practices where you can honor it instead of resisting it. You can use this new relationship with your inner critic to learn more about your vulnerable parts. Here are two sample journaling exercises to help you become friends with your inner critic.

Inner Critic journaling Exercise 1

Identify a recent challenging situation. Then take a few moments to talk with your inner critic in your journal about this situation. Let’s pretend that the challenging situation is that you are trying to decide whether or not to apply for a management position. The dialogue might look something like this.

Inner Critic: You can’t be serious about applying for a management position. You aren’t leadership material!

You: Look, I know you are worried about me struggling as a manager. What are you afraid will happen?

Inner Critic: Being a manager will be too much for you. You’ll become anxious and irritable and you will fail.

You: I understand your concerns, but I have grown a lot. I know how to love and take care of myself now. And I am not afraid of failing. Trust me.

Review what you have written. Pay attention to what words your inner critic uses to criticize you. What is she afraid of? What does she want to protect you from? And how does your current self tell her that you are no longer vulnerable or afraid?

Inner Critic journaling Exercise 2

Use Dr Neff’s three components of self-compassion to let your compassionate self approach your inner critic. Remember that the components are Mindfulness, Kindness, and Recognition of Common Humanity. In your journal, write a letter to your inner critic. It might look something like this:

“Dear Inner Critic,

My dear, I understand that you are telling me that I will fail if I take on this new promotion because you are trying to prevent me from make a choice I will regret. But however well-intentioned you may be, you are causing me pain, which is not helpful to me. All of us make choices that sometimes don’t work out. But I am confident that I will be able to determine the best course of action if things don’t go according to plan. Do you want to work together as I pursue this new promotion.”

Working with your inner critic and not beating him or her up is a great way to reinstate a sense of trust in yourself, which is required to break the spell of the past.

Final Thoughts

I know all too well how hard it is to shift responding to life in ways that honors you and your values first. – Especially if being hard on yourself has been your “lifetime companion.” It was mine too!

However, by becoming your best friend, getting to know your inner critic, and re-connecting with your own values, you can reclaim precious energy that you are currently losing to unnecessary stress.

You can then use that energy to light up the path to a life that is meaningful to you and aligned with your true values and purpose.

And that light, my friend, will not only allow you to live a life free of the cumbersome symptoms of stress, but will also illuminate your relationships, your workplace, and your world.